


Love Will Tear Us Apart

by Annwithoutane



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 1970s, 1980s, Albus Dumbledore Bashing, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Disorder, Auror Missions, Bisexual Female Character, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Blood and Injury, Cruciatus Curse (Harry Potter), Death Eaters, Desi Character, Desi James Potter, Desi Potter Family (Harry Potter), Dreams and Nightmares, F/F, F/M, Family Reunions, First War with Voldemort, Fluff and Angst, Full Moon, Gay Sirius Black, Godfather Sirius Black, Healing, How Do I Tag, Indian James Potter, James Potter is a Good Friend, Lesbian Character, M/M, Manipulative Albus Dumbledore, Mary Macdonald and Sirius Black friendship, Mentor Minerva McGonagall, Minor Character Death, Minor Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Missing Persons, Missions, Mood Swings, Multi, Museums, Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Sirius Black, POV Third Person, Panic Attacks, Person of Color James Potter, Post-Hogwarts, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Regulus Black Deserves Better, Regulus Black Dies, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Remus Lupin and Mary Macdonald friendship, Sad Sirius Black, Separation Anxiety, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Slow Dancing, Threats, Uncle Moony, Uncle Padfoot, Undercover Missions, Violence, Wakes & Funerals, Walburga Black's A+ Parenting, War, Welsh Character, Welsh Remus Lupin, Werewolf Remus Lupin, Wizarding Wars (Harry Potter)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:18:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 61,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23918875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annwithoutane/pseuds/Annwithoutane
Summary: None of them had heard from him in a week.Normally, Remus was constantly around. Most of the time, he was at Sirius' either getting ready for an order meeting or doing research for the order or listening to records on repeat on a Saturday evening. But Remus wasn't here, he hadn't turned up since he'd told Sirius to fuck off six days ago.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 76
Kudos: 125





	1. March, 1979

**Author's Note:**

> The title is taken from the Joy Divison song of the same name.

** Friday, 2nd March, 1979  **

"Moony, you ready to go?" Sirius called out to his friend from where he stood in the hallway of his London flat.

"Don't think I ever will be, if I'm honest," Remus smiled weakly at Sirius as he made his way into the hallway to grab his woolen coat off of the rack. 

"I suppose that's fair," Sirius shrugged. They all hated the Order meetings but Sirius seemed to always be the one who was affected the worse by them. The meetings always filled him with a sense of dread and they seemed to make him anticipate the day when Dumbledore would announce that something had happened to one of those closest to him. 

"Pads? Sirius, are you alright? You've gone a bit pale," Remus asked placing a hand on Sirius' shoulder. He pushed it off then not liking the sensation of his hand on his shoulder, it felt distant somehow. 

"Uh, yeah. I'm fine," Sirius shrugged trying to calm the bundle of nerves that had grown and he knew by the way that Remus knitted his eyebrows together that his friend wasn't at all convinced. 

"Are you sure? I don't want you getting splinched or anything," Remus asked as he bit his lip. Sirius knew then he was panicking Remus. 

"Look, I'm fine, alright?" Sirius snapped before immediately feeling guilty. "I just -" He stopped for a moment then to process his thoughts. "These meetings just really get to me sometimes, okay?" He replied quietly. 

"It's okay, you know, if you're struggling and if tonight gets too much for you let me know, yeah?" 

"Yeah, cheers, Moony," 

"I'm just doing what you've done for me," Remus shrugged and Sirius frowned at that. On reflection, Sirius didn't feel as if he'd necessarily done a lot of good for Remus considering the whole Fifth Year Incident and then kissing him last year on his birthday and running off acting as if nothing had ever happened. "Come on then," Remus smiled and he grabbed Sirius' hand and gave it a squeeze, a gesture that Sirius found so comforting lately. "We'd best be off," 

And with that, they apparated to that month's meeting place. 

*****

"Where are we?" Sirius asked, letting go of Remus hand as he took in his surroundings. They were stood just outside the porch of a rather, tall building that looked as if it would tumble over any second. 

"Um, give me a minute and I'll tell you," Remus said weakly and Sirius turned worriedly to find his friend bent over slightly with his hands placed firmly on his knees, looking rather green. 

"Shit, Remus, are you alright?" Sirius asked, knowing not to stand to close and to give Remus his space as he tried to steady himself. When Remus stood back up again, Sirius spoke again, "I did say we shouldn't apparate, didn't I? If you want we can ask if we can floo back," 

"Nah, apparation's easier and the nausea only lasts a minute or two," 

"Hmmm, just with it being this close to the full and all, maybe-" 

"Its just under two weeks away, Pads, _Jesus Christ_ ," Remus huffed. Sirius brows furrowed at that, Remus always got twitchy and defensive when anyone mentioned the moon and he understood why, he was the same way when anyone mentioned the Black family but this was new. Remus didn't snap like this usually. 

"Sorry," Sirius said not quite sure what else he could do. 

"No, I should be apologising, I didn't mean to snap at you like that, I'm just dreading this one for some reason," Remus shrugged but Sirius could tell by the look on his face that he knew what that reason was, however he knew not to pry because it would just lead to Remus pushing him further away. 

"Are you sure you're alright?" Sirius asked gently.

"Yeah, I'll be okay in a bit. Might ask Molly if she's got any chocolate or something," Remus said, as he stepped up onto the porch. "Sugar's the best thing if you're feeling nauseous, y'know," 

"I do and do you want to know how I know that? 'Cos you tell me about five bloody times a day," Sirius chuckled trying to lighten the mood a bit, he didn't know for who's sake though. 

" _S'cuse me?_ You'll be thanking me one day for giving you that bit of advice," Remus smirked, nudging Sirius lightly with a pointy elbow as he knocked on the front door. 

"Oh, will I now?" Sirius teased back as the door slowly opened to reveal the familiar face of Alastor Moody, who Sirius had dubbed as Madeye due to his rather disturbing mechanical eye. 

"Mother's maiden names?" Madeye asked the two of them in his gruff voice, his wand grasped tightly in his hand. Sirius blanched at the question. 

"Howell," Remus said standoffishly. Sirius was shocked by the sudden change in Remus' mood, he'd been joking with him just a few seconds ago and now the boy was stony-faced and looking as if he wanted to murder Madeye. 

"Chakrabarti," Sirius replied still unsure of whether he should have given his mother's maiden name or the maiden name of the woman who had given birth to him. He immediately felt less unsure when Remus grabbed his hand and squeezed it again reassuringly. 

"I suppose you aren't wrong, Black," Sirius winced at the use of his surname, he hadn't officially been a Black for over four years now. 

"He's a Potter, actually," Remus snapped at the older man as he stepped through the doorway still clasping Sirius' hand tightly. 

"Look, Lupin, I wouldn't push it if I were you, alright? It says a lot about you as a man and werewolf if you start getting all confrontational now," Madeye hissed back. 

"Was that a threat, Alastor?" Remus asked, coolly as he edged towards the older man until he was towering over him. Sirius thought that when Remus got like this he was rather intimidating most likely because he was known for his calm and kind nature. "I wouldn't start if I were you, I might decide to withdraw from that favour I'm doing you and Dumbledore," 

Before, Madeye could get a word in edge-ways, Remus had stormed off down the hallway tugging Sirius along behind him rather violently. 

"Shitting hell, that man gets on my fucking nerves," Remus huffed when they'd made their way into the kitchen. 

Sirius opened his mouth to ask what all that with Madeye was about when Molly walked in. Molly Wesley was a rather nice lady, Sirius had decided, even if she was fiercely stubborn. He did admire her though, she was a ferocious fighter yet loving to those who'd earnt her affection and somehow she managed to stay sane even with five kids who didn't have much difference in age. 

"Oh, hello, you two," Molly smiled tightly. "It's lovely to see you again. Help yourselves to whatever. I've got some tea over there already made," She continued as she gestured vaguely over to the direction where six or seven mugs of tea were lined up on the kitchen counter. "I've put a heating spell on them so they should still be hot. If you'd like something stronger, I'm sure Arthur's got some Firewhiskey in the cupboard,"

"Cheers, Molly, that's awfully kind of you," Remus smiled at her and Sirius was amazed by another sudden change in his friend's mood. 

"Well, I suppose any form of kindness at the moment is better than none," She shrugged solemnly as she picked up the tea towel that lay on the kitchen table and retreated back into the living room. 

Sirius turned to watch Remus who had picked up a garishly yellow mug filled with tea. He started laughing, however, when Remus began to pile teaspoon after teaspoon of sugar into his tea.

"You're going to get seriously ill if you keep putting that much sugar in your tea," 

"Eh, that's a risk I'm willing to take if I'm honest," Remus shrugged as he stirred his tea. "Besides, the sugar most likely won't be the thing that kills me," 

"Fuck you," Sirius snapped before he'd even registered what he was saying. "That's not bloody funny and you know it," 

"Sorry, Pads, I -" Remus shook his head. "I s'pose I'm in one of those moods. D'you want a tea?" 

"No thanks, I think I'm going to need something a lot fucking stronger than to get through this meeting, besides, I'm not letting you make me one when you pile shit tons of sugar in it," Sirius said as he wandered over to the cabinets to try and find the Firewhiskey Molly had mention. He smiled slightly when Remus laughed at his last remark. 

"Aha, found it!" Sirius exclaimed when he'd finally managed to locate the bottle. He grabbed one of the empty glasses that was drying by the sink and poured himself some. "Right, shall we go in then?" 

"Are you sure you want to?" 

Sirius shook his head in response before shrugging, "If I'm being honest, no, not really but I suppose I haven't got a choice, have I?" He asked as he stared down at his glass before striding out of the kitchen and into the living room before Remus had a chance to say anything. 

Many of the order members had already arrived at the Weasley household and it was full of familiar faces.

There was Gideon and Fabian Prewett, (Molly's younger brothers and ex-prank masters of Hogwarts before the Marauders had taken over the title) stood in the middle of the room talking to Arthur Weasley.

There was a boy called Benji Fenwick - who had been in Sirius' muggle studies class and had been rather good friends with Remus - sat in an arm chair talking in hushed tones with the man stood next to him who Sirius was sure was called Craig Thomas. 

On the other side of the room was James who was leaning against the wall, a glass of Firewhiskey in his hands, with Peter stood on one side of him and Monty, James and Sirius' father, stood on the other.

Not too far away, Effie was sat daintily in an armchair talking quietly with Lily who sat next to her in what Sirius deemed as a rather dodgy looking garden chair. 

Further on, stood a huddle of girls which consisted of Marlene McKinnon (one of Sirius' closest friends), her girlfriend, Dorcas Meadowes and Mary Macdonald who, Sirius supposed, was rather close to Remus much to his annoyance. 

"Lads, you made it!" Monty exclaimed, visibly relieved as he slapped Sirius on the back as soon as the pair had made their way over. 

"Hiya, Dad," Sirius smiled. 

"It's brilliant to see you again, Monty," Remus smiled brightly as he shook hands with the older man. Sirius knew what Remus really meant by that phrase: _'It's good to see you alive,'._

"It's wonderful to see you again too, Remus. How's Hope?" Monty asked with a twinge of sadness to his voice. Sirius glanced at Remus then, his parents were a bit of a sore spot at the moment as him and his mother had just lost the only other member of their already small family: Lyall - Remus' father and Hope's husband. 

"Mam's doing a lot better now, thanks. I'm trying to make it a habit of visiting her as often as I can at the moment. I'm sure she'd love to get in touch with you and Effie though," 

"Well, we'll try and visit her soon," Monty nodded and with that, Remus excused himself. Sirius watched as Remus made his way towards Mary, completely zoning out of the conversation, Peter, James and Monty were having. Next thing Sirius knew, Mary and Remus were hugging each other tightly and she had her head resting on Remus' chest. Sirius could feel the jealousy bubbling up inside of him. 

"Pads, mate, you're staring," A voice said gently next to him. Sirius turned to scowl at Peter. 

"What do you mean _I'm_ staring?" 

"You're glaring at the two of them together as if they've committed some kind of heinous crime against you," Peter grinned knowingly and all Sirius wanted to do was wipe that stupid smile off. 

" _I am not_ , thank you very much, Wormtail," 

"Oh, you are and I know for a fact that you're possibly the biggest queer I know, after McKinnon of course, so it's obviously not Mary you're pining after so -" 

"That's enough from you," Sirius said shutting Peter down before he could say anything else. He hated how perceptive Peter could be sometimes. 

"You're just upset he's right," A familiar voice said and Sirius knew he was smirking at him. Sirius spun on his heel to find that Monty had moved over to where Effie sat and James _was_ smirking at him, his eyebrows raised. 

"What is this? Gang up on Sirius day?" He spluttered. He'd thought he'd hidden his feelings for the other boy rather well. 

"Possibly," James grinned, pushing his glasses up his nose. "But, please, stop staring at them, Sirius. One, it's incredibly pervy and, two, there's no way they're together; Remus would have told us," 

Sirius frowned. Everything suggested otherwise and Sirius was sure that something had definitely happened between them in the past but he wasn't sure what. The only thing that told Sirius otherwise was that Remus had never been in any kind of relationship and from what Sirius knew he'd only ever been kissed twice: once by his Herbology partner, Heather Islington from Hufflepuff in fifth year and the second time by Sirius on Remus' last birthday. 

Suddenly, somebody made a coughing noise in the centre of the room and there was Madeye. "I'd like to remind you all that this isn't a mother's meeting, thank you very much," He announced and Sirius was sure that his scowl was directed at him, James and Peter. "As always, we will begin with the minutes of last month's meeting," 

As per usual, Sirius stared down at his glass for the minutes and only looked back up when Dumbledore walked into the room. "Evening, ladies and gentlemen," He began. "I'm afraid I am tasked with the delivery of some rather bad news, last week we sent Mr. Fenwick and Mr. Thomas to a death eater attack on the Islington household. Malcolm and his wife, Fiona, along with their two daughters Heather, who was a valiant member of the Order, and Janine were murdered,"

From across the room, Sirius could hear the sharp inhale Remus had taken. He knew that him and Heather hadn't been close but had been friends and she had been his first kiss. Mary whispered something to Remus then and Sirius knew Remus was beginning to spiral. He'd gone incredibly pale and his hands were shaking violently. He continued to monitor his friend as Mary pried the mug of tea out of his hands before it ended up in shards on the floor. 

"I send my condolences out to all those who knew them but I urge you to keep your head in a time like this. I would like you all to stick around as I may have to speak to you in private before you leave. Mr. and Mrs. Longbottom, if you will," Dumbledore said before striding out the room with Alice and Frank following him, no doubt that Dumbledore was assigning them a mission. 

Immediately, Sirius rushed over to Remus who seemed frozen on the spot. "Come on, mate, let's get you outside," He said, grabbing Remus' wrist gently before turning to Mary. "Can you go and get him another tea, please?" 

Mary nodded before patting Remus gently on the shoulder. "I'll be out in a minute, Re, and I'll make sure there's loads of sugar in your tea, just how you like it," She said before sprinting out the room. 

"Moons?" Sirius said trying to get his attention and when remus finally looked at him, he managed to lead him to the middle of the room before James had clocked on to what was happening and told Sirius he would take care of Madeye. 

Silently, Sirius led Remus out of the Weasley's living room, into the hallway and out into the front porch. Sirius only let go of his friend until they were sat shoulder to shoulder on the porch steps. 

"Are you alright?" Sirius asked quietly.

"I don't - I don't know," Remus shrugged, not making eye contact with Sirius. "We weren't ever close but I-" He cut himself off then by letting out a rather awful sounding sob. 

Sirius had never seen him cry like this, Remus normally wouldn't let him. He hadn't cried like this in front of Sirius when his father passed a month back. Through out that time, Remus had been silent and had barely said a word, all Sirius wanted was to see some emotion from Remus to make sure he was alright and now that he was being faced with emotion he wasn't sure which was better. 

"It's okay," Sirius whispered over and over as he took Remus by the shoulders and pulled him into a hug. Immediately, Remus buried his face in Sirius' chest. 

"I'm sorry, I'm over reacting," Remus sniffed as he pulled away after a little while. His face was tear stained and his eyes red and puffy. 

"You're not over reacting in the slightest, Moons," Sirius said as the front door opened and there was Mary, levitating three mugs of tea behind her. 

"Sorry to interrupt," She smiled apologetically. "I got you a tea too, Sirius. I had to ask James how you take it but I'm not sure I entirely trust him," She said, miraculously earning a snort from Remus. Once the tea's were distributed out, Mary sat down in the other side of Remus. 

"How are you holding up?" She asked gently and she frowned when Remus shrugged in response. "It's perfectly natural for you to feel upset, Remus," He frowned at that.

"It is, I know you're thinking that you haven't got a right to be upset because you barely knew her and, you know what I think? That's a load of bullshit," Sirius blinked then. In all the years he had known Mary he'd never heard her swear or be so certain in her beliefs and herself. To be honest, he was quite proud of who Mary was becoming.

"I think you've every right to be upset. Mourning and grief is a process everyone goes through so I don't know why you think you shouldn't be allowed to," She continued, ignoring Remus' looks. "It's alright to cry now, maybe this is your emotions over your dad catching up with you or maybe the moon's making you emotional-,"

Sirius didn't hear the rest as he tried to come to terms with what Mary had just said. That meant she knew about Remus and his lycanthropy. He supposed that if Remus had trusted Mary with that information he would too. 

Sirius snapped out of his thoughts then when he heard a muffled sob coming out of Remus. He turned to find Remus curled up into Mary, his head resting on her shoulder. "Hush, love, it'll be alright. We can go visit her if you want after the funeral so you can say thanks," 

Sirius frowned at that. He wasn't quite sure what Remus had to thank Heather for. 

Remus nodded into her shoulder as Mary kept stroking his hair. Sirius' heart broke watching the two of them: partly because of how Remus was reacting to the death of his acquaintance and partly due to the domesticity and vulnerability in the two's relationship.

He went to say something to Remus but then Madeye flung the front door open. Sirius swore that man didn't know what grace was. "Lupin, Macdonald, Black," He said in way of greeting and when Remus glowered at him, Madeye said, "Sorry, _Potter_ ," 

"Alastor," Remus said his tone becoming cold and distant and so unlike him. 

"I'm sorry to disturb but can I have a word, in private?" Madeye asked shooting both Mary and Sirius a glare. Reluctantly, the pair got up and silently made their way into the hallway. 

"What do you reckon Moody wants?" Mary asked Sirius when they were back inside. 

"Haven't a bloody clue," Sirius shrugged. "Might be that they want him to do research. I think he's possibly the only one they make do it," 

"I'd say it's because he's dead clever, which he is, but I don't think that's the only reason," Mary frowned and Sirius had to agree with her. 

"Yeah, I suppose it is more to do with _that_ ," Sirius hummed. "When did you - how did you?" 

"I think I found out not long after _The_ incident. He told me about that, y'know," Mary said though there was no malice in her voice. Sirius winced at it being mentioned but didn't say anything. "I found him crying - possibly two days after - I asked him what was wrong and he let it out. I don't think he meant to but I also think he'd kept everything bottled up for so long that he'd have told anyone who'd ask him. I can't say it was much of a shock to find out that he was..."

"Hmm, I see," 

"I don't hold that against you, y'know. _The_ incident, I mean. I think it was reckless and stupid and I was furious with you at the time because of how upset he was but I understand now that that wasn't necessarily you. I think you were going through a rough patch and, yeah, that's no excuse but I won't hold it against you, plus I think you've learnt that if you fuck him over again he'd leave and you won't be able to live without him," 

Sirius blinked at that. Mary was so brilliant at reading people Sirius realised and he kind of wished that he'd made an effort to get to know her better during school. "Thank you," Sirius smiled. "You're a good sort, Mary," 

"Cheers, Sirius. You'll look after him, won't you? Especially tonight? I'd offer him a place to stay at mine for the night but my Mum's not very well," 

"I'm sorry to hear that," 

"Thanks," Mary shrugged. "Oh, James told me to say goodbye to you and Remus for him. He left just before I came out to give you tea. I think he said that him and Lils flooed back to Potter Manor and were going to stay with your parents for the night," 

Sirius nodded and the pair stood in silence waiting for Remus or Madeye to appear so they could leave. 

Some time later, Madeye appeared and when he saw the pair stood in the hallway, he said, "He wants to go home," 

Sirius nodded in response and watched as Madeye pushed past them into the kitchen. 

"Have you got a way to get home?" Sirius asked Mary. 

"Yeah, I'll apparate back in just a sec," Mary nodded and to Sirius' surprise she surged forward and hugged him tightly exactly like she'd hugged Remus earlier that evening. Sirius realised then that the gesture was purely platonic. "You really care about him, don't you?" She asked as she pulled away, giving Sirius an odd look. Before he could answer, however, Mary gave his arm a squeeze before stepping back and apparating back to her house in a blink of an eye. 

With a sigh, Sirius walked to the front door and opened it before stepping out onto the porch to fond Remus stood bundled up in his coat with a lit cigarette between his lips. 

"Hey, Madeye said you were ready to leave," Sirius asked gently as he came to stand beside him. 

"I swear to Merlin that if I have to deal with that man again, I'm going to bloody hit him," Remus huffed, rather weakly. 

"I'd rather you didn't," Sirius said and Remus hung his head guiltily. "Everything okay with Madeye?" 

"Yeah, God, I don't know," Remus huffed as he trod on the butt of his cigarette. "They just want me to do...more research," He said defeatedly as he put his head in his hands. Sirius decided to be brave for a moment and he snuck an arm around Remus' waist to keep him upright. He had expected the taller boy to move away from his touch but instead he lent into it. 

Sirius gently pried Remus' hands away from his face before saying, "Let's get you home, yeah? You can stay the night at mine if you want," Sirius smiled. "You sure you're alright to go sidelong?" 

*****

**Saturday, 10th March, 1979**

"Happy birthday, Moony!" Sirius practically screamed as he tumbled out of the fireplace almost falling face first into the armchair. 

"Shitting hell!" He heard Remus curse from his bedroom. "Give me a moment, Pads," He called out and moments later Remus stepped out in nothing but red flannel pajama bottoms. Sirius had to stop himself from staring at Remus' chest but he knew he was failing miserably. "Mornin', Pads," 

"Morning to you too, Moonbeam," Sirius smiled as he pulled off his boots and left them by the fireplace so not to tread more soot through the living room. 

"You're such a little shit, I hope you know that," Remus chuckled as he made his way over to his tiny little kitchen. 

"That's why you love me though," Sirius grinned back at him as he followed him into the kitchen. 

"I s'pose it is," Remus replied with a rather unusual softness which caused Sirius to blush profusely and he was thankful that Remus had his back turned to him. "Want some tea?" 

"Ooo, please," Sirius asked as he came and sat down at Remus' creaky kitchen table. If he was being honest, Sirius hated this flat. Just before they'd left Hogwarts, Sirius had offered Remus to share the flat he'd bought with the money his late Uncle Alphard had left him. Remus had refused, of course, and the two ended up having a rather heated screaming match which Remus had obviously won seeing as he was living in the tiny flat that had mould growing up the walls. Sirius should have known that he wouldn't have won that argument what with how stubborn Remus was especially when it came to money and people being nice to him. Remus had told Sirius to piss off and to stop treating him like a fucking charity case. 

"Mam rang earlier, she wants you lot to come round for tea," Remus smiled as he handed Sirius a mug of piping hot tea and then sat down opposite him. "S'pose she doesn't want it to be too quiet seeing as it'll be my first birthday without Dad," Remus said solemnly and Sirius couldn't help but soften at that, Remus had only just started to allow himself to feel upset whenever he spoke about his dad after Mary had told him that it was okay for him to be. 

Instinctively, Sirius reached out and grabbed Remus' hand and squeezed gently. "It's okay, you know, if you don't want to celebrate it," 

"Hmm, I think it might be a nice distraction for everyone, don't you?" Remus smiled and Sirius grinned. That was possibly the thing he loved and hated most about Remus, how he put people before himself most of the time it was lovely and Sirius admired his selflessness but it meant that Remus often neglected himself and would end up in a hole he couldn't claw his way out of. 

"Alright, if you're sure. Just, if things get too much, let me know, yeah?"

"Will do, Pads," Remus replied but Sirius knew deep down Remus wouldn't say anything. 

"So we're going to Wales this afternoon, then?" Sirius asked. 

"Indeed we are, Padfoot," Remus said as he took a gulp of his tea.

"Right then, we've got a rather packed day ahead of us," Sirius began with a grin as he stood up. "I advise that you go and get dressed," He continued as he put his empty mug in the sink. 

"What do you mean a rather packed day?" Remus said giving him a sideways glance as Sirius took his mug and put it in the sink. 

"Well, Effie wanted to do something nice with the girls and that since you're turning nineteen and all, it's only us giving you gifts and then we'll head off to your mum's," Sirius shrugged. 

"Oh, right, well, I best get dressed then," Remus said as he got up from the table and immediately he was up in Sirius space.

_Curse this stupid, tiny flat and this stupid, tiny kitchen._

"Yes, you better," Sirius whispered, trying desperately to look anywhere but Remus and he was relieved when the taller boy retreated into his room to get changed. 

*****

"Alright, I'm ready to go, are you?" Remus asked sometime later as he stepped out of of his bedroom and into the living room where Sirius was pulling his boots back on. He looked up to see his friend in a rather nice red corduroy button up and a pair of dark blue jeans.

 _God, he looks good_. 

"Oh, Moony, you didn't have to dress up for me," Sirius joked, pretending to swoon. (He was pretty sure he was about to anyway) 

"Don't be such a poof," Remus laughed but there wasn't any malice behind it. "I'm not dressing up for you, I'm dressing for my mother," He added as he pulled on his beat up white trainers. Sirius was sure he'd had that exact pair since Seventh Year. 

"Well, you know what Freud said," Sirius quipped and he couldn't help but grin when Remus began to silently shake with laughter. 

"Oh my God, Sirius," Remus said, breathlessly. "That is not what I meant and you know it," He glared playfully. 

"Right, come on, Moonboy. Let's head off to the Potter's," Sirius grinned as he held out his hand to Remus who took it and squeezed lightly before dragging them into the fireplace and with that they were off to the Potter Manor. 

*****

"Mum, they're here!" Sirius heard James scream from where they were stood outside the front door of the house. There was a thud and the door opened and there stood James, his dark hair wilder than usual and a subtle red flush on his dark cheeks. 

"Happy birthday, you old man!" James smirked, punching Remus lightly on the shoulder as he let them in. 

"Haha, very funny. If you don't watch out, Prongs, old age'll catch up on you soon," Remus sniped as he stuck his tongue out at his friend. 

"Mum's so excited to see you," James said as he closed the door behind them. "I swear that if Hope would let her she'd trade me in for you," James laughed. 

"That's because Remus is a gentlemen unlike you," Effie shouted from the kitchen and Sirius could practically hear her smirk. 

"How does it feel to be second best, Prongsie boy?" Remus laughed as he gave James a shit-eating grin and made his way into the kitchen leaving the two brothers lingering in the hallway. 

"He seems chipper all things considered," James stated. 

"He had a bit of a moment this morning though. Think he's worried about his mum seeing as it's the first birthday of his that Lyall won't be at," 

James hummed at that before pushing his glasses up his nose like he always did when he was thinking. "Doesn't seem like the moon's getting to him, does it?" 

"I don't think I've ever seen him this happy three days before a full," Sirius shrugged and he wasn't lying. He'd never seen Remus this happy and carefree possibly ever except for last year's birthday and when the boy's had become animagi. It was a rare thing to see Remus truly happy and Sirius had learnt not to question it. 

"Are you two just going to stand there having a mother's meeting or are you coming in?" Remus said poking his head out of the door way before vanishing back into the kitchen. 

Sirius shot James a quizzical look but didn't say anything and strode into the kitchen. Effie was there making tea whilst Remus sat on the kitchen counter chatting away with her happily. 

"Alright, Mum?" Sirius asked as he made his way over to give her a peck on the cheek. 

"Marvelous, thank you, dear," She replied. "Remus was just telling me that Hope wants us over for dinner," 

"She phoned me last night, told me to invite you and Monty, James, Sirius, Pete and Lily over to ours," Remus explained to her. 

"Is she alright with that?" James asked. 

"Yeah, I think she just wants to keep busy, y'know, seeing as..." Remus trailed off then opting to stare at his hands rather than finish his sentence. Effie gently patted his arm and smiled. 

"I think that's understandable and you don't need to fret, Remus, I'm willing to help her out if she needs it," 

"Thank you," Remus smiled slightly and Sirius was grateful that Effie was so generous and warm to all. Suddenly, there was a rather sharp knock at the door which made Sirius jump and then Monty was shouting, "I'll get it!" 

Moments later, the rest of their friends flooded into the kitchen, greeting Remus and the others cheerfully. "Happy birthday, Moony, mate," Pete said as he side hugged Remus rather awkwardly (due to their massive difference in height) and handed him a box of Honeydukes finest chocolate. 

Mary and Lily were the next to hand Remus a gift and he opened the box to find a brown leather bound photo album filled with both Muggle and moving pictures from their time at Hogwarts and after. "Me and Lils have been working on this for an absolute age," Mary grinned as Remus flicked through the book. 

There was a group picture of all the seventh year Gryffindors and McGonagall on their last day of school. A moving photo of Remus carrying Sirius over his shoulder and then throwing him into the sea during their summer camping trip to the seaside in '77. 

"Oh my Gid, Pads, look at this," Remus grinned at one point, ushering Sirius over and he pointed at a picture of James standing next to a Christmas tree wearing a t-shirt that said _'Hold me closer Tiny Prancer'_ with a reindeer on it wearing signature Elton John glasses. 

"It's _the_ t-shirt!" Sirius exclaimed with a laugh. Him and Remus had gotten James that t-shirt for Christmas in their Fifth Year just after they'd become animagi and James had developed an obsession for Elton John. 

"I still have that, you know," James grinned. "I'll get it back out at Christmas," 

James was the next one to hand him a gift and Remus opened the thin package carefully. He grinned up at James then, "Thank you,". 

"It's no problem. I had to get you it anyway considering I broke the one you originally had," James said sheepishly. 

Sirius peered over Remus' shoulder to find that James had gotten him _The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and The Spiders From Mars_ record. That had been and still was Remus' favourite album and James had broken it after accidentally propelling himself across their dorm room in Seventh Year when trying to hone the Blasting charm. 

After that, Marlene and Dorcas handed Remus a present they'd bought him together. Remus gently tore open the wrapping paper to reveal a black corduroy jacket with fleece lining. "You needed a new jacket so that's what we got you," Marlene shrugged. 

"Hope gave us your size so it should fit but if not we've got spells," Dorcas continued with a smile as Remus shucked the jacket on. Sirius' breath caught in his throat, God, did he look good in that jacket. 

"It fits perfectly, thank you," Remus smiled and engulfed Dorcas and Marlene in a hug. 

*****

About an hour later, all had left the house except those who were heading to the Lupin Cottage located in Rue Aben. It had been decided that Remus and Sirius would apparate first and the others would follow in pairs save for Peter. 

Remus tentatively grabbed Sirius' hand and with a flick of his wand they'd apparated to just outside the small cottage Remus had grown up in. "Are you alright?" Sirius asked noticing that Remus had gone a bit a green. Apparating always made him nauseous around the moon especially three days beforehand, if the Lupin cottage had had a floo network they would've used that but seeing as they had no other way to go to Hope's they had to use apparation. 

"Yep, absolutely dandy," Remus huffed before standing up straight and walking to the door. Sirius turned as James and Lily landed behind them. 

The door gently opened to reveal the rather small and lovely Hope Lupin. They didn't look a lot like each other (Remus had always looked like his dad with his hazel eyes and roman nose and tall lanky frame) but the pair acted so much like each other in every way possible and they had the same infectious smile. 

"Cariad, Pen blwydd Hapus!" Hope exclaimed in Welsh as she engulfed Remus in a hug.

"Ta, Mam. It's so good to see you," He said as he hugged her tightly back.

"Did you invite the others?" She asked with a grin. Remus nodded and she reached up to ruffle his curls, making them more messy than they already were. She moved to let Remus inside before turning to Sirius. "Hello, Sirius, pet. Why don't you go on through, love?" 

With a nod, Sirius followed Remus through taking off his boots by the front door and sitting down next to Remus on the sofa. 

When everyone was settled, Hope served a buffet for them all and everyone seemed so comfortable that Sirius felt rather at home. He was here with his true family and, Merlin, did he wish it could stay like this forever. 

Once the cake (chocolate, of course) was served and eaten and everyone had sung a rather embarrassing rendition of Happy Birthday, Hope asked Remus if he could help her make some tea for everyone. However, Sirius could see from where he was sat on the sofa next to James that she was speaking to him and seemed somewhat upset. 

"What do you reckon all that's about?" James asked him quietly trying not to appear like he was watching them. 

"No idea," Sirius shrugged.

James gave him a shit-eating grin and said, "Do you reckon she's telling him to grow a pair and ask you out?" Sirius glared at him for that remark. "I'm just saying you and him have been all touchy feely lately and the way he looks at you makes me think he likes you," 

"I am ignoring everything that is coming out of your mouth right now," Sirius said dryly though he couldn't help but wonder if what James was saying was true. At that moment, Remus walked back into the living room, levitating eight mugs with his mother following behind him.

The pair passed the mugs around and once they had done so Remus said, "Pads, d'you mind coming upstairs a minute?" Sirius nodded and as he placed his mug of tea on the table James shot him a look that said, _ooh-er_. Sirius ignored him best he could and followed Remus out of the living room and up the steep, creaky staircase.

"You alright?" Sirius asked when they reached the landing. 

"Apparently, Dad left something for me," Remus sighed weakly and Sirius couldn't help but notice how his accent had become slightly thicker like it always did when Remus was in the area. "Mam said he'd brought it at the beginning of January right before he kicked it," 

"Oh, Remus," Sirius sighed as they entered Remus' old room.

Sirius had always loved Remus' room, it was possibly his favourite room in the whole cottage as it screamed Remus. There was a small single bed tucked by the window covered in a red bedspread and lining the walls were bookshelves, most were empty due to the fact Remus had moved the books into his flat but he'd left some of his childhood favourites here. There was an old Bowie poster on the wall, that Remus didn't have the heart to take down in case he ripped it and there was a small desk tucked into the corner by the door. Placed on top of the desk was a small cardboard box. 

"You don't have to open it if you're not ready to," 

"No, I am," Remus said, picking up the box and sitting down on his bed cross-legged before patting the space across from him so Sirius would sit down. Remus inhaled and lifted the lid of the box. There was a yellowing piece of parchment folded neatly in top of the wrapped gift and Remus picked it up with shaking hands. "Would you read it to me, please?"

"Are you sure?" 

Remus nodded and handed him the letter in reply, his hands still shaking. Sirius took the letter and gently unfolded it to reveal the familiar scrawl that had belonged to Lyall Lupin. 

" _My dear boy_ ," Sirius began. " _If you are reading this, I'm afraid I'm no longer with you and the cancer has triumphed but I'd like to say I fought good and hard, don't you? I'm sorry I've gone and left so soon but in glad I've had the honour to watch you grow up and turn into a fine, young man,_ " Sirius stopped then when Remus let out a slight sob. Gently, he put his arm around Remus' shoulder and pulled him closer to him. " _Look after your mother for me, God knows she'll need someone looking out for her for a while but, more importantly, look after yourself. I know you'll probably scoff at that idea but you need to worry about yourself, even if it is just this once,_ " 

" _With that being said, I should've looked after you better. I don't think I was ever really as involved in your life as you needed me to be and I know that no apology will fix that but I do want you to know I'm sorry. I also want you to know that there is nothing wrong with you, Remus. Neither your lycanthropy or your..._ " Sirius stopped then, not quite believing what he was seeing. _Did this mean? No, it couldn't be._ "I don't think I was meant to know this," 

Remus peered over Sirius' shoulder to see what he was referring to before sniffing and wiping at his eyes. "It's fine. I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier, I just - It's been a bit difficult figuring it all out and I hadn't accepted it myself and didn't want to tell you until I had," 

Sirius nodded completely understanding what Remus was going on about. " _Neither your lycanthropy or your sexuality means that there's anything wrong with you, if anything they show how strong and resilient you are in the face of adversity. I encourage you, Remus, to keep fighting, fight for this war, fight for yourself and who you are and fight do the people you love whether that be platonically or romantically. Remus, cariad, I am so, so bloody proud of you and I'm sorry I didn't get to say that enough. I love you, my dear boy and I can't wait for the world to see the man you become. All my love and best wishes, Dad,"_

"Shitting hell," Remus sobbed as he swiped at his eyes ferociously with the back of his hand. "God, Dad, you never could do anything without making a scene could you?" Remus laughed tearily at the ceiling. " _Merlin_ ," 

"You alright?" Sirius asked tentatively, that had been an emotional roller-coaster even for him and he hated to imagine how Remus felt right now. 

"Superb, actually. I think I needed to hear all that but it just hit me a bit harder than I thought it would, probably because of the moon to be honest,"

"How are you feeling? 

"Achey and bloody emotional. Dunno why but my mood seems to be fluctuating, I was really angry last week and this morning I was in a good mood and now I can't stop crying like a bloody girl," Remus laughed. 

"Well, I mean..." Sirius grinned. 

"Shut up, you poofter," Remus retorted and he shoved Sirius but there was no malice to it. 

"Oh, like you're one to talk, you bloody fairy," Sirius scoffed and he immediately wished he hadn't when Remus frowned slightly. 

"Sorry, I didn't tell you earlier,"

"Don't worry about it. I mean it, Moony. I get how hard it can be and you didn't owe it to me to tell me, the only person you should be truly honest to about this stuff is yourself," Sirius said, bumping Remus' arm with his shoulder. 

"Cheers," Remus smiled before picking up the present and unwrapping it to reveal a pile of books. "He got me a bloody copy of _Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them_ , the daft sod," Remus grinned fondly before opening the cover and reading out, " _Dear Remus, turn to page one hundred and three_ ,"

Quickly, Remus flicked to the page and Sirius watched him read intently before bursting into tears. He gently pried the book out of his grip to see that Lyall had crossed out the Danger rating from _XXXXX_ to _XX_ and he'd written above, " _He folds his socks, for Merlin's sake! And he likes to do the ironing! He finds it therapeutic! Only dangerous if you eat his last chocolate!"_

"God, your dad was a right laugh," Sirius said, his voice thin. 

"He was, wasn't he?" Remus smiled tearily. "I'm going to miss that. I already am," 

"Looks like your stuck with me and my shitty jokes now, Moons," 

"I'd rather throw myself off a cliff, thanks," Remus laughed before picking up the other two books hat lay in the pile. The first was a leather bound copy of _Lord Of The Flies_ by William Goulding which was Remus' favourite book and the second was _Frankenstein_ by Mary Shelly, another of his firm favourites. 

"Hey," Sirius said when Remus had put the books to one side. "Why we're here, can I give you my present? I came round a little while back to drop it off 'cos I was worried you might find it at mine," Sirius said before picking up a thin carefully wrapped package off of one of Remus' shelves. He handed it to him when he sat back down and studied Remus' face intently as he opened the package to reveal the record _Love Bites_ by one of Remus' favourite bands, Buzzcocks. 

"Pads, Sirius, thank you, I've been looking for this everywhere," Remus said breathlessly. 

"I know you have, that's why when I found it I knew I had to get it for you," Sirius smiled as Remus placed the record down gently on his desk so not to break it. 

"Thank you," Remus whispered as he engulfed Sirius in a hug and Sirius didn't want this day to end.

*****

** Wednesday, 14th March, 1979 **

The full moon had been rather rough and Sirius was sat on Remus' sofa feeling drained and rather sore. Thinking about Sirius decided that this one was possibly the worst they'd experience since they'd become animagi to aid Remus in his transformations. Normally, having the other animals there distracted the wolf but last night it hadn't worked, it just ignored them and continued to bite and scratch at itself. Because of this unusual behaviour, Sirius automatically knew that something was upsetting both Remus and the werewolf alike but he couldn't say what. 

Now, however, Remus was lying in his bed letting Marlene examine his cuts and bruises. Sirius huffed and made his way to the kitchen to make two cups of tea one for himself and one for Remus, he didn't bother making Marlene one as she'd have to rush straight off to her shift at St. Mungo's as soon as she was done and wouldn't have time. He hated this part of the full moon, the sitting and waiting, when they had been at Hogwarts, Sirius would heal the more minor cuts and injuries before Madam Pomfrey would come to take Remus to the Hospital Wing and even though Sirius knew it was safer for Marlene to heal him, Sirius hated not being able to do anything for awhile. 

As he was pouring sugar into Remus' tea, Marlene appeared in the doorway of Remus' kitchen, clutching onto her leather healer's bag tightly. Sirius looked up to see that her jaw was set and her brows furrowed. "Everything alright?" Sirius asked gently, waiting for Marlene to inevitably snap his head off. 

"He's gone bloody feral!" She exclaimed and when she saw Sirius' eyes widen in panic she rephrased her sentence, "Bugger, I didn't mean it like _that_. I meant he's being rather horrible. Normally, he's tired and drained so he's quiet and easy to treat but today he was on top fucking form, shouted at me for so much as touching him. I obviously ignored him because he needs to be healed and if I listened to him, I'd be failing as a friend and as a healer but Merlin, was I tempted to leave,"

"D'you reckon it could be that something's bothering him?" Sirius asked. 

"Possibly," Marlene shrugged. "You said that he'd scratched at himself quite a bit, did he attack any of you lot?" Sirius shook his head. "Interesting. I think we both know that if he had a problem with one of you, the wolf probably would've taken it out on you. If he's only taken it out on himself more than he usually does than there must be some form of inner turmoil or conflict going on," 

"That makes sense," Sirius nodded. "I'll see if I can talk to him,"

"Brill. Let me know if he gets worse, alright?" Marlene asked as she wrapped Sirius up in a hug. "I best be off, I'll see you later," And with that, Marlene left the flat. 

Sirius picked up the mugs and cautiously made his way into Remus' room. The boy was lying in his bed fully healed except for the fresh scar that went through his left eyebrow. However, instead of being docile and tired like he usually was after a full moon, he was alert and snappy and in further inspection, his eyes were still slightly amber and his pupils were blown.

"Hey, Re, I made you a tea?" Sirius said holding out the mug for him to take. 

"I don't want it," Remus snapped and without saying anything Sirius placed the mug on the bedside table. "Will you just piss off?" Remus huffed. "I don't need you fucking coddling me all the bloody time," 

Sirius frowned at that and he could feel his patience already wearing extremely thin: he was tired, hungry and worried about his friend and didn't need to deal with his snappy attitude right now. 

"My apologies for giving a fuck about you, Remus," Sirius retorted. 

"It'd be easier if you didn't," 

" _You what_?" Sirius spluttered, completely outraged. 

"I'm not getting into this with you now, Sirius, just fuck off and go," Remus snarled and Sirius was so taken aback by the way he'd said it.

"You know what? Fine. Get in touch if you need anything," Sirius huffed as he stormed out of Remus' bedroom and into the kitchen where his wand was sat in the counter. He snatched it off the surface, grabbed his leather jacket which was hanging on the back of a chair and apparated back to his absolutely seething.

*****

**20th March, 1979**

None of them had heard from him in a week. 

Normally, Remus was constantly around. Most of the time, he was at Sirius' either getting ready for an order meeting or doing research for the order or listening to records on repeat on a Saturday evening. But Remus wasn't here, he hadn't turned up since he'd told Sirius to fuck off six days ago.

When Sirius had heard from Lily that she hadn't heard from in a week or so either, Sirius had begun to panic and had been checking with the people closest to Remus about whether they'd seen him in the last six days or so. Nobody had, most people hadn't seen him since his birthday. 

Sirius had checked everywhere and he was currently stood in the living room of Remus' rather run down flat deciding what to do next. The whole situation seemed very odd to Sirius seeing as the flat showed no signs of a kidnapping which the Death Eaters had been doing a lot of lately but that didn't mean he couldn't rule that out.

In his panic, Sirius fished out the compact mirror he and James used to contact each other and tried to get through to James. 

"Prongs! Prongs, are you there?" Sirius called out squinting at the mirror. Suddenly James' face appeared. "Prongs, he's not here," Sirius huffed at the slightly distorted image of his best mates face. Neither of then had ever managed to fix the magic in the mirror shards even though they had tried to numerous times; Remus had promised just the other day that he'd see if he could correct it but it looked like that wouldn't be happening anytime soon. "And I'm not having you on, James, it looks like a bloody showroom. A crap one at that considering the amount of pissing mould all over the walls," He said failing massively at trying to make light of the situation. "Seriously though, it doesn't look like he's been here for days," 

"Pads, mate, you're rambling, calm yourself," But James looked as sick with worry as Sirius felt. "Merlin, I thought he might be there, you know, seeing as he doesn't often leave his flat after the full moon," 

"That's what I thought initially but he's normally around after a day or two of being bed bound," 

"I suppose you're right," James hummed in agreement. "Have you tried Hope's?" 

"What? Oh, his mum's? No, I'm just about to go over there now and if he's not there I'm going to talk to Dumbledore, his place looks too clean and neat for him to have been taken, y'know? Maybe he's been put on a mission or something," 

"I suppose that's worth a try," James replied but he didn't seem convinced. 

"I reckon it is. I'll pop round to yours after I'm done alright?" Sirius said before snapping the mirror shut and shoving it back into the pocket of his leather jacket as he let out a sigh. 

****

"Sirius? What are you doing here? It's eight in the morning," Hope exclaimed as soon as she'd opened the door to the cottage. 

"I'm very sorry, Hope. Can I come in?" 

"Of course, of course," She said ushering him in, a look of panic that Sirius was sure matched his own on her face. "What's happened?" 

"Is Remus here?" 

"No, why?" Hope replied and Sirius rubbed a hand over his face despairingly. "What's happened to my son, Sirius?" He couldn't bare to look at her, she'd been distraught over Lyall's death she didn't need this on top of that. 

"I'm so sorry, Hope, but we don't know what's happened to him. I'm afraid I last saw Remus on the morning after the last full moon, we had a bit of an argument and then he vanished without a trace. None of us have heard from him in a week," 

"Fucking hell," Hope huffed out and Sirius was sure that was the first time he'd ever heard Hope swear. He also prayed to Merlin it would be the last time. 

"I'm sorry, Hope," 

"You've got nothing to be sorry for, cariad. Just, if you hear anything will you let me know?" 

"Of course," 

*****

After his visit to Hope's, Sirius had managed to successfully apparate from the Lupin's living room directly into Dumbledore's office. The only downside was that the crazy old fart wasn't there.

_I'll just have to wait then, won't I?_

Thinking about it, Sirius had never liked Dumbledore's office, it was too big and too grand and made the old man seem like a klepto considering the amount of junk that filled the bookshelves that spanned the length of the walls. He had always preferred Mcgonagall's office, it was like home to him after Potter Manor and their old dorm. He would be called into her office at least every other week either for detention or just for a chat and a biscuit. Mcgonagall was a good sort - Sirius had decided that rather early on - she could be trusted to give you a straight answer; Dumbledore on the other hand could not. 

"Ah, Mr Black, what a nice surprise," Sirius winced slightly at 'Mr Black' as he turned to see the headmaster slowly walking up to him.

"Please, Professor, Sirius is fine. Besides, Mr Black was my father,"

"Ah, yes, of course. Sorry about that," He replied but he didn't seem all that apologetic. "Now, if you don't mind, may I ask what has brought you here?" 

"Um, it's Remus Lupin, sir. We believe he's gone missing, no one's seen him or been able to get in contact with him for over a week and -"

"Merlin," The headmaster interrupted. "Do you think it could be to do with his lycanthropy?" 

"No, professor. We thought so at first seeing as it can be debilitating for him but he's not in his flat, looks like he hasn't been there in days," 

"Hmm, I see," Dumbledore muttered as he sat down on the chair behind his desk and adjusted the half moon glasses perched on the end of his nose. 

"I came to ask if you had possibly sent him on a mission or a research task for the Order. I don't need or want to know the specifics but if we know he's gone under your orders I believe it'll put everybody's minds at ease," 

"I'm afraid I've done no such thing, Sirius," Dumbledore said curtly. "I, however, will look into it. Please do let me know if you hear anything from Mr Lupin and I shall do the same for you," He continued as he gestured towards the door to his office, clearly wanting Sirius to leave. 

"Um, of course I'll keep in touch. Thanks, Professor," Sirius sighed and with that he strode towards the door. 

He wasn't convinced in the slightest, Dumbledore had just seemed to brush off when he'd suggested that Remus could have been working under his orders yet he slumped against the wall as the thought of Remus being possibly held captive crept into his head. 

"Sirius? What on earth are you doing here?" Sirius snapped his head up then, to be met by the rather worried face of his favourite professor and possible mother figure, Minerva Mcgonagall. "You're lucky we're on Easter Holiday or you'd be caught in a wave of students trying to get to lessons. Come, why don't we have a chat in my office?" And with a slight swish of her robes, she was off and halfway down the corridor. 

Sirius traipsed behind her in silence until she flung her office door wide open. "Here we are. Do take a seat," She said as she followed him in. Only once they were both seated did she speak again, "Why are you here, Sirius?" 

"I'm afraid, Minnie, that I've got some rather bad news. Remus has gone missing," 

A small gasp escaped the professors mouth and when Sirius finally managed to bring himself to look at her, he found her with her hands clamped over her mouth.

"Have a biscuit, Sirius," She said, as she lowered her hands and Sirius watched as she shakily picked up the tin and held it out to him. He shook his head. "That poor boy and his poor mother," 

"We didn't think anything of it at first which is probably the worst thing about the whole situation. You know what he's like after a full moon, so we didn't worry 'cos he doesn't normally show up for a day or two afterwards because he's either absolutely knackered or too injured to do so; we normally get in contact with him through owls and floo but he doesn't always reply and he didn't this time either," Sirius told the professor and with every word he could feel his breath getting shallower and slightly more shaky. He paused for a moment, trying to ease the constricting feeling in his chest. 

_I shouldn't have stormed off. I should've gone round sooner._

"When he didn't start visiting or replying after that we started to get worried. I went to his first thing this morning but he wasn't there, doesn't look like his been there for days and -" Sirius cut himself off with a shallow breath, "We were hoping he might have been in Wales visiting Mrs Lupin and had just forgotten to tell us but I went round their this morning and she said that she hadn't seen him since his birthday on the tenth," 

Sirius gulped then, he could feel his throat closing up and his hands were becoming clammy as the panic began to settle deep with in his stomach. Remus was missing. Gone without a trace. 

_Oh, god._

He could hear Mcgonagall's voice but it seemed distant and the next thing he knew she was knelt down in front of him, a hand on top of his own and trying to get him to copy her breathing. 

Once he'd steadied himself, she asked, "Any better?" He nodded in reply. "Take a biscuit, the sugar helps after a panic attack," She said as she stood up and made her way back to her chair. 

Remus had said the same thing about chocolate. 

"Uh, thank you," Sirius said, his voice still sounding slightly too distant and too shaky for his liking. "I came here today to see if Dumbledore had sent him on a research task or a mission but he said no and to be honest I don't quite believe him," He continued as he pulled a biscuit out of the tin. Chocolate bourbons, Remus' favourite. 

"Merlin. I suppose I'll visit Mrs Lupin later this evening," 

"I'm sorry, Professor," 

"It isn't your fault, Sirius. Don't blame yourself for this. It's highly likely, Remus has gone to do something he shouldn't, surprisingly out of the four of you he was the most reckless," 

Sirius tried not to scoff at that remark, Remus was anything but reckless, he was calm and calculated. He would never leave to do something dangerous without a plan which means that this most likely was a mission or something awful had happened. "I should get back, I promised James I'd let him know how my discussion with Dumbledore went. I'll get in touch if I hear anything," 

"Likewise, Sirius. Take care, my dear child," 

"You too, Minnie," 

"Tell James and Lily to take care as well," 

"Will do," And with a crack, and a swish of his wand, Sirius had apparated out of Hogwarts and into James' living room. 

*****

"Jesus fucking Christ, Pads, are you trying to scare the living shit out of me?" James swore without malice, he sounded more defeated than anything and Sirius could see the puffiness of his eyes. He'd been crying.

"Sorry. Are you alright, mate?" 

"Not really, no," James sighed, as he slumped back into the sofa with the confession. "Lily's worried herself sick, she's gotten in touch with Marlene and Dorcas as well as Wormtail, Mary and the Longbottom's but she's only confirmed what we already know: he's not here," 

"Merlin," Sirius breathed out. "Saw Hope this morning, she's utterly beside herself with worry, the poor thing but she hasn't seen him since his birthday. I then spoke to Dumbledore, apparently he's not sent Remus out on a mission but I'm not entirely convinced," 

At that moment, Lily emerged out of the bathroom looking rather pale and peaky. "Hello, love. You okay?" She asked Sirius with a very weak smile. 

"The question we should be asking is are you okay, you look like you're about to bloody collapse," Sirius said gently as he went to guide Lily to the sofa. 

"Thanks, so not on a mission then?" 

"Apparently not. Minnie's absolutely beside herself. She says to take care, the both of you and that if she hears anything she'll let us know as soon as possible," 

"Bless her heart," Lily smiled. 

"I suppose all we can do now is wait," James shrugged and wait they did.


	2. April, 1979

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had never wanted to leave a place more; he didn't want Dumbledore to announce Remus was missing, it made everything too real.

**Friday, 6th April, 1979**

Sirius was sat, legs crossed, in a rather worn yellow armchair, staring despairingly at the half empty tumbler of Firewhiskey he held in his hand at that month's Order meeting. 

Perched on the arm of the chair was Lily; her back leaning against Sirius' shoulder and her feet resting on the cream footstool James was sat on. 

"Here you are, Prongs," Peter said as he handed James a glass of what Sirius presumed to be Firewhiskey. Sirius had to give it to him, Peter was the glue holding the group together at the moment and was constantly making sure the others were okay. On any other occasion, Sirius would have found this annoying but at the moment he was truly grateful for whenever Peter was around even if it wasn't all that often seeing as he worked long hours at the Ministry. "Lils, are you sure you don't want anything to drink? I could get you some Gin or some pumpkin juice? They've got tea there as well if you want it," 

"I'm fine, thanks, Pete," Lily smiled gently but Sirius knew it wasn't reaching her eyes. Lily looked tired and almost ill, he supposed that not only did she have to deal with her own feelings about Remus' disappearance but also James' and that must be stressful for her. 

This month's meeting was being held at the Longbottom's residence. Sirius supposed that Frank and Alice were nice enough but he didn't know them all that well considering they were two years older than him. He got on with Alice alright, having been put on the odd mission with her but Sirius thought her husband, Frank, was a bit of a bore even if he was a brilliant auror; Remus and James seemed to like him well enough though. 

Sirius looked up to see that the small, quaint cottage was slowly filling up with Order members and he was now being reacquainted with the feeling of dread. He had never wanted to leave a place more; he didn't want Dumbledore to announce Remus was missing, it made everything too real. He shook his head trying to clear his thoughts and failing miserably. He tried to occupy himself by looking for Marlene or the others. 

Sure enough, sat in the far corner of the room on a wicker chair was Mary, looking pale and stricken and somehow older. She looked up then, her face covered by her short mousy brown hair and made eye contact with Sirius for a moment before giving him a weak smile and nodding, Sirius returned the nod but he decided he'd have to keep an eye on her. 

Sirius felt a light tap on his shoulder then and turned to see Lily, who jutted her chin out in the direction of the door. Following her gaze, he saw Effie and Monty had entered the room, their faces pale and solemn. Wordlessly, Sirius and James stood up in sync and made their way over to their parents. 

Sirius had always loved the Potter's ever since he'd frist met them when James had invited him to stay the summer after First Year and his love for them had grown immensely after Sirius had ran away from Grimmauld Place after one of the worst night's of his life (Him and his parents had gotten into what started out as a rather severe row over his ' _decision to date men just to disgrace the noble Black family name'_ and ultimately, it ended up with Sirius bloodied and bruised standing on the porch of Potter Manor on the verge of collapse) The Potter's had taken him in and treated him like one of their own and Sirius highly doubted that he'd be alive right now if it wasn't for Effie and Monty. 

"Hello, loves," Effie smiled weakly as she greeted her two sons each with a kiss on the cheek as she took off her gloves. "How are you both holding up?" 

"Alright, I suppose," Sirius shrugged, he couldn't admit that he was barely treading water, not when Effie was barely doing so herself. She frowned at his answer, clearly unsatisfied by it but didn't push any further.

"Mum, Dad, do you want a drink?" James asked, completely avoiding Effie's question. Their mother sighed but thankfully didn't say anything. 

"Can you get me some Firewhiskey, please, son?" Minty asked, patting James on the shoulder before mumbling something almost inaudible about how he'd need it to get through the meeting. Sirius had said the same thing about twenty five minutes ago and he'd said it at last month's meeting too. "Effie, dear, do you want anything?" 

"Just a tea, please, James, love," She said and the three of them quietly watched James slip out of the room. 

"Lily's dying to see you two," Sirius said and immediately his stomach turned sour.

_Those weren't a good choice of words. Well done, you bloody dolt._

Sirius smiled at them then but in reality he knew it looked more like a grimace before leading them over to where Lily was still sat with Peter. 

"Effie, Monty, it's wonderful to see you," Lily exclaimed once they'd made their way over. She gracefully jumped up from where she was sat on the arm of the chair to give them both a hug and a kiss on the cheek. 

"It's lovely to see you Mr. and Mrs. Potter," Peter piped up with as he shook Monty's hand and then gave Effie a quick peck on the cheek. 

"Why don't you sit down, Effie?" Lily asked, gesturing to the arm chair Sirius had occupied only moments earlier. 

"Dad, do you want me to find you a seat?" Sirius asked as he watched Effie shakily sit down in the chair.

_God, she's getting old and it's not doing her any good._

"No thanks, son," He replied, shaking his head and to Sirius' shock, he clapped him on the back and gently pushed Sirius slightly further away from the others. "Are you sure you're alright, Sirius?" Monty asked speaking in a hushed tone and Sirius knew that this was important. Monty never really spoke about feelings unless he thought you really needed it. "I know you and Remus were... _close,"_

"What do you mean by _that?"_

"Oh, I don't know," Monty said flippantly, waving his hand all the while. "Just you and him had a different relationship compared to what you have with your other friends, I suppose. It was obvious to everyone when you and James first met that you were destined to be brothers," Monty chuckled at that. He was right. Sirius and James had been practically attached at the hip ever since they met on the Hogwarts Express on their first day. "And, when you and Marlene are together, God help us. It's blindingly obvious that you two are platonic soulmates meant to cause chaos wherever you go. You're so alike, it's scary," He wasn't wrong there either. Marlene was one of his best friends and they had been ever since Fourth Year when Marlene accidentally set his tie on fire once in Potions and since then they'd been an unbreakable force. "And I don't think you and Peter have ever really been that close. But Remus? You and him had something else, especially these past couple of years. You never saw one without the other and I know he's the one you go to when something's not quite right," 

Sirius hummed in thought, he had to admit that what Monty was saying did ring true. Sirius had always had a special place in his heart for Remus, even way before he had realised he fancied the bloke. He supposed it was mostly because Remus understood him like no one else: he understood the nightmares that kept Sirius from sleeping at night, he understood that everyone had skeletons in their closets and he was the only one who could ever calm Sirius down and make him see sense. Then when Seventh Year had rolled around, Sirius had realised that he'd fallen for the tall, lanky, tawny-haired boy with the wicked grin and foul mouth. Maybe that was the change in their relationship Monty was hinting at. 

"I never really thought too much about it until recently but now I realise that you cared about that young lad a lot more than you'd ever care to admit and it's okay if you felt _that_ way about him, Sirius. I think you two would've been a perfect match," 

"What do you mean _would've been?"_ Sirius hissed. "He's not dead," He let out a sigh then and felt the tension unraveling within him but when he glanced at Monty and saw the shock on his face, the tension raveled again and the familiar feeling of guilt washed over him. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap like that, I just -" 

"It's alright, Sirius, I don't blame you for getting defensive. Emotions are running high for everyone at the moment, eh? Why don't we go back over to your mother, I'm sure the meeting's about to start in a sec," And with that, Monty led Sirius back over to the others where they were greeted by James who handed the older man a tumbler of Firewhiskey before he sat back down on the footstool and pulled Lily into his lap. 

Sirius turned away from his brother a moment to shoot a glance at Mary who had returned to staring solemnly into her glass. When he finally decided he should go over to her, Madeye stormed into the middle of the room and motioned for everyone to be silent. 

"Good evening," He grunted as he pulled a small sheet of paper out of the pocket of his dark jacket. "As always, I'll be reading the minute's of last month's meeting," 

Sirius zoned out then, like he usually did, and began to ponder over what Monty had said moments earlier about him and Remus. His feelings towards the other boy were obviously visible if Peter, James and Monty had been able to tell and he wondered if Mary knew too. Did that mean Remus had an idea of his had had any idea of his feelings? Sirius didn't know and he figured that he'd probably never find out. 

_Shit._

"Ladies and Gentlemen," A new voice announced and Sirius' eyes snapped up and he realised that Dumbledore had taken over from Madeye. "Thank you all for attending this evening but I'm afraid, I must start the meeting off with some rather awful news. First of all, we have intel which suggests that Voldemort is attacking his own. By this I mean, he's killing his supporters in violent manners to keep others in line," Sirius squeezed his eyes shut then and all he could think of was Regulus. _What if_ -? He shook his head slightly and squeezed his eyes shut tighter, he wouldn't think about it. He couldn't.

"Secondly, there has been a dramatic rise in missing people cases and murders in the past few weeks alone with many victims being those who Voldemort and his followers deem 'impure' this includes Half-bloods, Squibs and Muggle-borns and all those who affiliate themselves with them. This means we're going to have to be on guard and Alistor and Mrs. Longbottom have been working tirelessly on coming up with stricter safety measures which we will implement as soon as they are complete. With that being said, I am afraid that one of our own has been reported missing," Dumbledore paused then as an uncomfortable silence fell over the room. 

"As of three weeks ago, on the twentieth of March, Remus Lupin was reported missing. Sadly, I must say that we have to presume the worst and -" 

Sirius stopped then. He stopped breathing and he couldn't process anything Dumbledore was saying. He could feel a lump forming in his throat and his hands were beginning to shake. 

An abrupt, shattering sound and a loud sob cut Dumbledore off from whatever he was saying and collectively everyone whipped their heads round to look at the source of the noise.

_Mary._

He watched, stuck in place, as Mary got up, narrowly avoiding the shards of the mug she had dropped and sprinted out of the house. Before realising what he was doing, Sirius began to ran after her. He heard the front door slam shut as he made it across the living room and he prayed to Merlin that she hadn't apparated home. Carefully, he opened the front door to find Mary huddled up on the front step, shivering rather violently. Gently, he closed the door behind him, shucked off his jacket and sat down before handing it to her. 

"Cheers," She sniffed before pulling it on. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be a bother," 

"You're not being a bother, promise," Sirius smiled weakly as he took in the puffiness of Mary's eyes and how shaky she still was. He supposed she hadn't been shaking because of the cold but because of the shock. "Do you want to talk about it?" 

Mary shook her head slightly, her mousy brown hair falling in her face. "It's just one thing after a-bloody-nother, y'know?" She huffed, running a hand through her hair, pushing the strands back as she did so.

"The war's not doing anybody any good anyways and Mum's not been very well as you know, and now Remus is gone. He was my only friend for so long. I dunno if you know this but I've never been good at making friends and I've got a bit of a temper on me but he just saw right past it all and - god knows why - but he went _her,_ I want to be her friend," She let out a hollow laugh then. "I was so grateful, still am and I can't believe he's bloody gone,"

"I'm no Remus but you've got me now, "Sirius smiled. He completely understood how Mary felt, sure Sirius had the others but Remus was the only one who could coax him out of his nightmares and calm his temper down. "I do get it though. I struggled to make friends because I was a bit of an arrogant arse back then, still sort of am if I'm being honest, but that's how I was bought up. James is also an arse so we were kind of drawn to each other - birds of a feather flock together and all that shit," Mary let out a snort then and Sirius couldn't help but let out a laugh. 

"But me and Remus were different. He was the only one who understood a lot of what I've been through and I've got quite a temper on me too and he was the only who could stop me from blowing up and causing unnecessary casualties," 

Mary nodded and instinctively Sirius put an arm round her shoulders and pulled her into his chest. "I was holding out on the fact that he could still be alive but now Dumbledore's gone and said to presume the bloody worse and I don't think I've got any hope left," Mary sniffed. There wasn't a lot he could say to that, so he pulled a packet of cigarettes out if his trouser pocket and wordlessly lit it. 

They passed the cigarette between them in silence for a while (Sirius was shocked to see that Mary was a smoker but also he wasn't that shocked because Mary was full of surprises) before the front door opened again with a creak and there stood Dumbledore. 

"Miss Macdonald, may I have a word?" Dumbledore asked and when neither of them moved he added, "In private?" 

"If it's all the same to you, Professor, I'd like Sirius to stay," 

"I see," Dumbledore frowned and Sirius could tell he wasn't happy about the request. "Miss Macdonald, I am here to give you a way out. If you don't want to fight with the Order you don't have to," Sirius blinked at the old man then. Was he batshit crazy? "If you think this will be too much for you we can send you away and change your name for your safety. Of course, this means you'll have to cut ties with your family and friends along with all magic but you won't have a part in the war. Hopefully, when we win you can return to wizarding society if you choose to,"

Sirius gaped at Dumbledore before glancing at Mary whose jaw was clenched and he noticed that she was still shaking just now with anger. Slowly, she rose from where she was sat on the step to look Dumbledore right in the eye.

Sirius scrambled to stand up as Mary began to speak, "Its not as simple as that, Professor, and you know it. You can't just opt out of a bloody war; you can't just choose not to have any part in it. Sadly, it doesn't work like that. Even if I decided to drop out of the Order and change my name, I'm still part of this Godforsaken war. I'm still a Muggle-born, I'm still someone who's against their beliefs. I'm still someone they want fucking dead!" She yelled before pausing a moment and regaining her composure. 

"I'm still someone who has friends who will fight and die heroically whether I'm there or not," She continued quietly. If Sirius was being honest this calmness terrified him more than her yelling did. "And if it's alright with you, Professor, I'd rather stick around and spend every last minute I can with those people because I don't know how much time we have left together," 

"I will not stand aside and turn a blind eye. I will not pretend that a war isn't going on. It's sick, twisted even," Mary said and Sirius could tell she was getting ready to yell again. "And, with all due respect, Professor, _how dare you_ insinuate that just because I am upset momentarily means that I am not able to cope. _This is a war_ , Professor. People will die and people will get injured. We should be allowed to mourn, we should be allowed to show emotion. How dare you dehumanise us and treat us as soldiers you can easily dispose of because that is not how it works. Mark my words, Professor, if you keep that up there'll be no one left willing to fight for you,"

She was crying now, Sirius realised. Just like Remus, she cried when she was absolutely furious he noted. Sirius grabbed Mary's hand then and squeezed it firmly just as James came barreling out of the front door with Lily following behind to see Mary shouting at Dumbledore. "I have lost my closest friend and my mother is incredibly sick so _excuse me_ for being upset but even so I'll still fight for the injustices that I see. So I'm calling out the injustice in front of me right now, Professor, I will not be treated as if I'm a piece of emotional shit under your shoe, is that clear?"

Dumbledore nodded and for the first time ever he looked shocked, he obviously hadn't expected Mary to tell him to go stuff it and if Sirius was being honest neither had he and by the looks of it, neither had James or Lily. 

"Sir, sorry to disturb," James began looking rather sheepish. "My father wants to have a quick word," 

Dumbledore turned and shot James a tight-lipped smile before focusing his attention back on Mary. "It does not do anyone any good to lose one's temper, Miss Macdonald," He scolded. "But I will say you have a determined spirit that I have never seen before and that most should envy. I'll be in touch," Out of the corner of his eye, Sirius could see that all of them had frowned at Dumbledore's last remark. Silently, they watched Dumbledore follow James back inside. 

"Christ, Mary," Sirius said with a huff of relief and he couldn't stop himself from grinning. 

"Fucking hell," Mary huffed, slumping slightly against Sirius as if she was physically drained. "Do you reckon I went too hard on him?" 

"Not at all if I'm honest," Lily shrugged from where she was still stood by the door. "I think he needs to be put in his place sometimes. He can't expect us to be killing and fighting machines all the time, we're still fucking teenagers after all," She continued as she came to stand on the other side of Mary. "How are you getting home, Mary?" 

"Apparating back," She shrugged and Lily's eyebrows shot up. 

"Are you sure? You're welcome to apparate back with me and James and stay at ours for the night," Lily suggested. 

"No," Mary shook her head "Thank you though but I can't stay. It's not fair leaving Connie with the babies and Mum even just for a night," 

"Connie?" Sirius asked. 

Mary nodded. "My older sister and partly why I'm not taking up Dumbledore's offer of just buggering off somewhere else. Someone has to look after Mum and Connie's got two little-'uns that she looks after practically by herself 'cos her husband's in the army. It's not fair leaving her to deal with all of it on her own," She continued, finally letting go of Sirius hand so she could take off his jacket. 

Instinctively, both Sirius and Lily stepped away from Mary as she pulled out her wand. "I best be off. Thank you," She smiled softly before waving her wand and vanishing with a crack. 

Sirius and Lily stood in silence awhile staring down the spot Mary had been stood just moments before. Then with a creak, the front door opened again and out stumbled Marlene and Dorcas. The former looked weary and looked like her legs were about to give way. Sirius couldn't help but notice that Dorcas had her arm around her girlfriend's waist to help keep her upright. 

"Sirius?" He turned to look directly at Marlene and he realised that she was still wearing her Healer's uniform. No wonder she was so exhausted, she'd come straight from her shift at St. Mungo's to the Order meeting. 

"Alright, Marls?" Sirius said gently and Marlene threw her arms around Sirius' neck and hugged him tightly. 

"Are you okay?" She began as she pulled away and Sirius could tell by the way her voice faltered that she was on the verge of tears. "I'm sorry I didn't get in touch sooner, I just..." Marlene stopped then and rubbed a hand over her eyes. "The news fucking destroyed us, I can't imagine how you -" 

"I'm fine, Marls," Sirius interrupted ignoring the glare Lily was giving him that said, _What a load of bullshit._

"I'm going to pop round at some point, yeah? We'll have a cuppa and that and..." Marlene huffed then. "I dunno, Sirius, but I promise you that we'll muddle through, yeah? All of us. Is - is Mary alright?" 

"She's having a bit of a tough time with everything going on right now but Mary's a fighter, she'll be alright soon," Lily said with a tight smile and Sirius wasn't sure who she was trying to fool. 

"Why don't we head back and when we're home I'll give her a ring?" Dorcas smiled weakly patting her girlfriend's arm gently. "We best get going before Marlene ends up getting so upset she splinches herself," She said to Sirius and Lily. 

"That's a good idea, I'll see you both soon. Stay safe, yeah?" 

"You too," Dorcas replied and Sirius watched the two of them walk further down the path, Dorcas' hand wrapping back back around Marlene's waist to help keep her steady just like he'd done at last month's meeting his brain supplied as the pair apparated away. 

_God, how I miss him._

*****

_Dear Mary,_  
_I know this is a bit short notice but would you be willing to come to mine tomorrow at 10 am? We can always arrange another time if need be. I just want to check how you're doing and i thought it might be nice to get together and have a chat. Is that alright? I understand if not._

_Let me know if you're available and I'll send you my address._

_S_

*****

** Wednesday, 11th April, 1979 **

Sirius knew he was going to burn a hole into the carpet with his pacing but he couldn't help it, he also knew his fingers would be sore if he kept biting his nails but he couldn't help that either. A familiar bubbling feeling had started to rise in his throat and was making him feel nauseous. Sirius recognised it as the same feeling that had come about when he'd turned up at Remus' flat just to find he wasn't there. 

Mary was considerably late and in the rational part of his brain he knew it was probably due to the fact that Mary's mother wasn't well or that her sister had very young children so why couldn't Sirius stop seeing the worst possible scenario flashing before his eyes? 

Sirius flopped down in the armchair closest to him and began to feel his breathing become shallow. _Not again, not now, not -_

There was a person standing in the centre of his living room. "Shitting fuck, Jesus fucking christ," Sirius swore and he fumbled for his wand before realising it was just a rather flustered looking Mary. 

"Shit, sorry, I didn't mean ti scare you like that," Mary said racing to apologise. "Are you alright, you've gone a bit pale?" 

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," Sirius huffed but he could tell they both knew he wasn't. "Merlin's bollocks, you scared me," 

"Sorry," She apologised again. "And sorry I'm late. I tried getting Connie to ring you but then I realised I didn't know your telephone number and I wasn't even sure if you had a telephone," 

"It's fine, honestly, no need to apologise," Sirius said with a relieved smile as he out his wand away. 

"But there is though, isn't there? I know you and I know you probably worried yourself sick," Mary commented as she shuck off her tan fringed jacket. (Sirius liked it, he thought it was very Mary) 

Yet again, he was astounded by how well she could read people and Sirius wouldn't have been surprised if she was a legillimens, she was that good. 

"Is everything alright?" Sirius asked as he took her jacket off of her and moved to hang it up on the coat stand. 

"Yeah, nothing out of the usual. Mum had a bit of a blip before I left which was why I'm late," Mary smiled apologetically as she followed Sirius into the kitchen. 

"Is she alright now?" Sirius said as he watched her sit at the table. 

"Yeah, she just chundered everywhere," Mary said, her eyes widening when she'd realised what she had said. "Sorry, that was a bit crass," 

"Don't worry about. Be as crass as you like, I won't get offended," Sirius grinned. He liked Mary more when she wasn't thinking carefully about every little thing she said or did. He preferred her when she was loud, crass, foul-mouthed and sarky: when she was unabashedly her. "Do you want some tea or I've got something stronger if you'd prefer?" 

"Tea please. Not sure if it's wise to crack open a cold one at eleven in the morning on a bloody Wednesday," Mary sniped. 

Sirius snorted at that which led to Mary bursting out in a fit of giggles. "Probably not the wisest thing, no," He grinned as he boiled the kettle. 

"Anyway, how are you doing? After Friday?" Mary asked gently once she'd recovered from her fit of laughter. 

"Eh, okay, I think. I've been missing Mo - Remus like mad, he was constantly around that he might as well have lived here. I'm not used to the flat being quiet all the time," 

"That's understandable," 

"I've been keeping busy though. Trying to see you lot more often than not. I was round James and Lily's yesterday, oh, that reminds me. Lils is gonna owl you later, wants to meet up with you I think," 

"Ah, alright, I'll write her back as soon as I get it," She replied as Sirius took two mugs out of the cupboard and dropped a tea bag in each. 

"I've been meaning to ask, have you seen Mrs. Lupin since...?" Mary asked trailing off before the end of her sentence. Not that Sirius needed her to finish it to understand what she was getting at. 

"Yeah, I visited her on Saturday morning. She's furious that Dumbledore isn't looking into it which is understandable but we're a bit worried that she might do something irrational especially because she's lost her only two relatives in the span of three months. We're making it a bit of a habit to visit her as much as we can. Effie and Monty are going over this evening," He shrugged as he poured the water. 

"That's good, probably the thing she needs the most right now," 

"Yeah," Sirius nodded. "What about you? How are you doing with everything?" He asked as handed her a mug and then slipped into the chair next to her. 

Mary shrugged and Sirius was worried that he'd hit a nerve. "I hate to bloody admit it but I'm barely coping at the moment. It's all a bit much, what with the war and Remus disappearing and Mum. Oh, and then fucking Dumbledore and his piss awful proposition," Sirius couldn't help snort at that last remark.

"We finally got a diagnosis, you know. For Mum. The doctor's have said she's got Huntington's Disease. I've never heard of it but she checks all the boxes. And apparently it's kind of rare and there's no cure which is fucking brilliant to know," 

Sirius wanted to say something or reach out to Mary but he knew it wouldn't help so he resorted to staring idly at his hands. 

"And that's not the worst of it. The bloody thing's fucking hereditary. Means I could have it or Connie and if Connie's got it her kids'll most likely have it too," 

"Shitting hell, Mary," Sirius huffed and he watched as Mary just shrugged defeatedly. 

"Is what it is, I suppose. I'll make peace with it someday as there's not any point getting upset over something that's bound to happen," Sirius could tell she was trying to make herself believe that statement more than him. 

"Anyway, Moody popped round on Sunday," Mary continued, diverting the conversation. 

"What? Why?" He spluttered, his fingers clenching tightly round his mug of tea. 

"Came and gave me a mission. 'Cos I've gone and told Dumbledore to shove it so this is either his way of making me prove to him that I'm capable or it's a punishment for telling him to piss off," 

Sirius scowled, his jaw clenching and if he didn't loosen his grasp on his mug he was sure it would shatter under his grip. 

"I've never liked him, Dumbledore that is, ever," Mary huffed. "His kindness is superficial. Have you noticed how he only turns his charms on when he wants something from you.He's treating us all as if we're disposable and if he keeps carrying on there'll be no one left to fight for him and then the Death Eaters will have prevailed because that's what they want," She paused then, "They want us to be divided,"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this took so long to come out I've been struggling a bit lately. Hopefully, the next chapter'll be written and edited soon.  
> Hope everyone's well and good  
> As always comments and feedback is deeply appreciated 💕


	3. 3. May, 1979

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> God, no. Not him. 
> 
> Not Reg. 

* * *

** Sunday, 6th May, 1979 **

They wanted Remus' stuff gone and out of the flat by the eighth. Sirius wasn't entirely sure how they would manage it, considering they had only had two days notice. They had made a deal with the landlord that most of Remus' furniture would stay in the flat except for his favourite armchair which would be packed up and kept with the rest of his belongings in the spare room of Sirius' flat for the time being.

"Are you sure you're alright with having all this lot at yours?" James asked. From where Sirius was sat on the floor taping up a box, he could only just make out James' wild mop of hair poking out behind a pile of boxes. 

"Yeah, it's fine. Besides, there's nowhere else to put them. Your flat's too small and if you're planning on moving out anytime soon there's not much point," Sirius shrugged. "Mary did offer to take them but I refused, her place is too cramped as it is; what with seven of them living there," 

"How is Mary?" James asked moving into Sirius' line of sight. He looked uncharacteristically thoughtful. 

"Better than she was. Take it she told you and Lils about the diagnosis?" 

James nodded curtly at that. According to Mary, James had gotten rather angry when he found out that there was no cure and that Mary could have it too. "Shit, isn't it?" 

"Fucking awful," Sirius grunted back. 

James nodded again in agreement and they fell into an awkward silence. Before all of this had happened; before the war; before Remus vanishing; before Mary and her mother; before leaving Hogwarts there had never been a moment of awkward silence between them but now Sirius couldn't help but feel as if there were millennium's between him and James. He wasn't sure who either of them were anymore. 

"Right," James said with a clap of his hands. "Vinyls in this box and books in that one, yeah?" He asked before picking up the box full of miscellaneous items that Sirius had just taped up and adding it to the pile of boxes. "Do you want to do books or vinyls?" 

"I'll do books, you're already by the vinyls," 

"Sure thing, cap'n," James grinned as he gave him a mock salute. Maybe there wasn't millennium's between them after all, maybe it was just centuries. 

Sirius grinned back at him as he grabbed a box and started to take the books off of the shelf closest to him one by one. All of the copies were well thumbed and he knew most had been annotated or dog eared. Sirius stroked the cracked spines of each book fondly before placing them delicately in the box. He recognised so many of the titles, could remember Remus reading so many of them. There was _The Picture of Dorian Gray_ which had been one of Remus' favourites and he had said that Sirius had a similar dramatic flair to one of the characters; _Of Mice and Men_ which Sirius had remembered had left Remus absolutely heartbroken and when Sirius had decided to read it the following month he had bawled his eyes out. 

He was finally finishing up with that shelf when he pulled out the leather bound photo album Mary and Lily had made Remus for his birthday. He flicked through it smiling fondly at all the pictures. There was the one of all of them on their last ever day at Hogwarts, a picture of Mary and Remus smiling widly at some concert they had attended, a picture of Remus with Marlene sitting on his shoulders, one of the Marauders outside the Lupin cottage all bright eyes and toothy grins.

He turned the page and, to his suprise, saw a rather soft picture of himself and Remus sitting on the steps to their dorm room, drinks in hand at one of the many parties they had thrown. It was so obvious that Sirius was madly in love with the other boy in that photo. You could tell by the way he was leaning into Remus or the way he was looking at him through his lashes but what got Sirius the most was that it looked like the feelings were mutual. Remus' face was flushed and so close to Sirius' that if they were even a millimetre closer together they would be kissing and he had a rare, genuine Remus Lupin smile on his face. 

_If only he was here, if only I hadn't been such a bloody coward then maybe we'd be together._

"Pads, you alright there, mate?" He heard James and he wasn't sure when he had came and stood next to him. He glanced up at his friend to see James looking at him with a concerned frown and then he was bending over and picking something up off the floor. Sirius hadn't realised he'd dropped the photo album. 

"Oh," 

"What do you mean, _Oh?_ " Sirius sniped.

"I get why you went all funny just now," James shrugged, his voice soft and his face riddled with concern. "I know this probably isn't any help but I do think - He - I think he loved you too. In the same way you loved him," 

"Bollocks," Sirius scowled, if James really believed that he would've told him. Sirius knew James like the back of his hand, if he'd have believed for one second that Remus liked him back he would've said something. 

"No, I'm honest. Me and him had a conversation once about it and, well, he said that he wished he was more like me, that he wished he had the balls to pursue who he wanted and to be open about his feelings. He said he was too scared to, that he didn't want to ruin what he had with them because they were the only person to ever really see the true Remus Lupin," James shrugged, his voice sounding strained.

"Yeah, he never said it out right to me but I don't think he needed to, I could tell by the way he looked at you or the way he spoke about you. Merlin's balls, Sirius, he spoke about you like you hung the fucking moon," James grimaced at that. "Okay, maybe not the moon, but you know what I mean," 

"I don't -" Sirius began before shrugging. It couldn't be true, but then again Sirius hadn't ever really been good at reading people. 

"Look, you don't have to believe me. If it's too much for you to process right now, don't. I just thought you might like to know," James said as he placed the book in the box with the others and then wrapping an arm around Sirius' shoulders. 

"I - God, James," Sirius huffed, he wasn't quite sure what to say. He wished he'd known this sooner, before Remus went missing so he could've asked him out without fear of making things awkward between them. "I - uh - yeah, thanks mate, I suppose I needed to know that," 

"No problem," James smiled tightly. "Is that the last of the books?" 

"What do you think?" Sirius asked with a slight grin, thankful for the change in topic. "I've only done one bloody shelf, Prongs, and I know for certain he's got more that that. I reckon with him being gone, they've had a chance to go sentient and take over his bloody flat," 

James grinned at him at that. "Forget rat infestation, book infestation," 

"Exactly," 

******

** Wednesday, 16th May, 1979 **

Sirius jolted awake, his breathing laboured and as he slowly came to he realised that the knocking noise had been the thing that had caused him to wake up so abruptly. He slipped out of bed, grabbing his wand off of his bedside table (he wasn't taking any risks especially not when the knocking was so aggressive) and made his way to the front door. 

With shaking hands, Sirius unslid the bolt on his door and opened it a fraction to be greeted with the rather miserable sight of a disgruntled looking James Potter, his hair more of a mess than usual and prominent dark bags under his eyes. 

"James?" Sirius asked the familiar feeling of panic creeping up inside him again. "Shit - uh - mother's maiden name?" He asked, holding his wand out towards James' neck. They were all under very strict orders to follow the safety protocols that Madeye and Alice had put in place at the last Order meeting. 

"Chakrabarti, her name is Euphemia Chakrabarti," He said and immediately, Sirius dropped his wand and let James inside, shutting the door gently behind them. 

"What's happened? Where's Lily? Why are you here?" Sirius asked before realising he was beginning to ramble. He took a breath and spoke again, "Don't get me wrong, Prongs, I love seeing you, mate, but, for Merlin's sake, it's like six o'bloody clock in the morning," 

"It's seven actually," James huffed wearily. "Lily's alright, don't worry about her. I - Pads - I don't know how to tell you this but I - shitting hell - I picked up the Prophet this morning and there was this article," He began a pained look on his face as he handed Sirius that morning's issue of The Daily Prophet

_HEIR OF BLACK FORTUNE DIES TRAGICALLY_

"You - I - What on God's earth?" Sirius asked confused, skimming the article to find out who had passed away. He'd read it properly afterwards. He skimmed a little bit more until... 

_God, no. Not him._

_Not Reg._

"I can't - James, I - would you?" He said barely able to get the words out. Gently, James pried the paper out of his hands and began to read. 

" _As of nine pm on the fifteenth of May, nineteen-seventy-nine, the only son of Walburga and Orion Black and the heir of the Black family fortune, Regulus Arcturus Black the second (aged eighteen) has been reported dead. The reasoning behind his untimely passing has not yet been revealed however there is a great deal of speculation, none of which has been confirmed by his family. Relatives and friends will be paying their respects on the twenty-fifth of May at Southampton Old Cemetery, Hampshire,"_

Sirius wasn't sure how to respond, he wanted to scream, to kick something but he knew it wouldn't help so instead he slumped down onto the sofa and buried his head in his hands. He could feel his chest beginning to constrict and suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder which could only be James'. 

Sirius wasn't sure if he liked the feeling of it, it felt as if James was trying to grasp at something that wasn't quite there. 

_Shit._

"No, no. Nonononononono," Sirius managed to mumble out until each word morphed into one. He wasn't entirely sure what he was saying no to: the possibility of his younger brother being dead or the fact that he was having some sort of panic attack. 

"I'm so sorry, Pads," James said, pulling Sirius into his side. 

"He was just a child, James." Sirius sobbed into James' t-shirt. "He was a fucking child," 

"It's okay, Sirius, it'll be okay," He murmured, stroking Sirius' hair. 

They stayed like that for awhile, with Sirius clinging onto James for dear life and James consoling him. Only when Sirius was sure he'd stopped sobbing, did he pull away. 

"Do we - does anyone know how he died? The paper doesn't say and I -" He let out a breath. "Was there an attack last night?" 

"No, I don't think so, but, um, I reckon it was most likely Voldemort himself, Dumbledore's said there's evidence to suggest he's killing supporters to keep others in line," James said shuffling from foot to foot. 

"Fucking hell," Sirius huffed, the anger washing over him now. "I told him. I fucking told him. I begged him to come with me when I left. I told him that you and your parents would be willing to take him in too and if not I had a little bit of money to buy a flat; not a nice one mind but it would do. It would've been ours and we would've been free,"

"I'm sorry, Pads," 

"Don't be, it's not your fault. It's mine - God, I just -" 

"Look," James interrupted, a stern look on his face and he placed both of his hands firmly on Sirius' shoulders to ensure he had his full attention. "I know this is easier said then done but you shouldn't feel guilty about this. It's not your fault. You're not the reason he died, he is. He made his decision a long time ago," 

"Fuck you," Sirius snarled. It wasn't Regulus' fault. It was who they had called their parents for most of their childhood. 

"I - what?" James asked, his eyes wide and mouth gaping open. 

"He was a fucking child!" Sirius roared. "He didn't make a decision, he was forced into it! We both were, only difference was that I had a way of getting out and he fucking didn't. I had you lot. Who did he have? Fucking no one or at least he didn't feel like he did so don't you bloody dare say that he made a choice because he didn't,"

"I'm sorry, Pads - I didn't mean it to come out like that," James whispered and immediately Sirius felt bad, he knew he hadn't meant it like that. "Merlin fuck," He swore as he flopped onto the sofa. "I wish Moony were here, he had always been better at dealing with shit like this,"

"I wish he was here too, Prongs," Sirius whispered back as he came and sat down next to him. "I wish they were both here," 

*****

** Friday, 25th May, 1979 **

In Sirius' opinion, the world seemed too bright and too chipper for such a horrible day. Him and James were stood in the Southampton Old Cemetery by Regulus' grave. Sirius had refused to attend the service but as soon as he knew the funeral party had left the pair of them had made a beeline for Regulus' grave.

It was a rather solemn sight and Sirius was now hit with the realisation that Regulus was well and truly gone. 

"Hey, you alright, Pads?" James asked from where he was stood a little further away. Sirius supposed he was trying to give him space. 

"Yeah, yeah. It's just -" 

"It's suddenly hit you?" James asked quietly and Sirius was struck with the fear over how well James could read him. Sometimes being knowable scared him. 

"Yeah, suppose so," He shrugged. 

"I understand," 

Sirius wasn't sure he did.

"I think it's just - God, I don't know - I think the not knowing how doesn't help. I feel the exact same way now that I do about Remus and his disappearance. There's no fucking closure, no feeling of this is what happened and I can't change that so let's leave it be and try to move on," Sirius shrugged then. "I've just got so many bloody questions, like how did Reg die? I can only assume and that really doesn't help,"

"If it helps, you can tell me what you think might have happened. It might feel good for you to let it out," 

"I know, it's just -" Sirius slumped sightly and he knew that it was blatantly obvious that he'd given up trying to pretend he was fine. "The logical part of me knows that Voldemort had something to do with it you know? Everything points to that," 

"But?" 

"But I can't help wonder if Walburga and Orion played a part. I mean, it's more than bloody likely. If, for whatever reason, he hadn't of followed their absolutely fucked up rules or he didn't live up to their expectations then who's to say they didn't punish him and took it too fucking far this time? They almost did with me, who's to say that they didn't succeed this time," He stopped for a second then before saying the thing that had been eating him up inside the past couple of days, "Just with the wrong Black boy -" 

"Sirius, no," James interrupted, a stern expression on his face. "I won't have you say shit like that. He shouldn't have died and it shouldn't have been you either, understood?" 

When Sirius didn't say anything, he asked it again. "Sirius, do you understand?" 

"I understand," 

"Good," James huffed and Sirius watched as James shoved his hands into the pockets of his suit trousers and stared despairingly at Regulus' grave. It was a small rounded headstone, all black and sleek marble with the words, ' _Here lies Regulus Arcturus Black (1961 - 1979). A loving son and a noble man,'_

"I'd do anything to trade places with him, James, you know that," Sirius said quietly, making Jame, s turn his head to look at him as he did so. "I've always wanted to, ever since I got out. All I wanted was for him to be free and safe and as far away from them as physically fucking possible. And back then, when I was still living in that bloody hellhole, if someone had said to me that they could get Reg out of there but I'd have to stay forever, I would've said yes. No hesitation. I would've said yes in the blink of a fucking eye,"

"I know you would've," James said quietly. 

Sirius nodded then, he could feel the tears running down his face though he wasn't sure when he had started crying. "I - I also can't help but wonder that if wasn't Voldemort or the parents, he did this himself," 

"Are you - Christ, Pads - are you suggesting that he... offed himself?" James asked cautiously and Sirius knew James was taken aback by this thought. 

"I suppose," Sirius shrugged. "Makes sense though, doesn't it? He wasn't happy, James, I don't think he'd ever truly been happy and he certainly wasn't happy in that shit hole he called home for eighteen years. You saw him before we left Hogwarts, he constantly looked like he was on the verge of collapse,"

It was true. Regulus had not looked at all well during Sirius' last year at Hogwarts, he had permanent bags under his eyes and his skin was so pale and he was too skinny, he hardly ever ate at mealtimes and Sirius was pretty sure that his parents had been starving him over the holidays too. Overall, Regulus had looked dead inside. 

"I just - I wish he would've come with me," Sirius huffed. "He believed that they'd come to their senses one day and well, we both know he was clutching at straws. It was false hope,"

He let out a hollow laugh then. "But even I thought they would change, that they'd love us like parents were supposed too, that they'd accept me for who I am. I so desperately wanted them to say that they'd made the wrong choice, that they were sorry. When I ran away, I finally realised that they'd never change but he still held on to the hope that they would,"

James came and moved to stand beside him and placed an arm around his shoulder and they stood like that for awhile, in a brotherly embrace staring at the headstone.

"Do you want to say a few words?" James asked into the quiet. When Sirius frowned at him in response, he explained. "It might help you to say something to him, you know, like the things that you wanted to say but never got the chance too," 

"Okay, alright, yeah," He liked the sound of that, he had so much he wanted to say. "Reg, I am so fucking sorry. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you, I tried to be, God, did I try but you - you just shut me out and I get it. I get that you hated me because I left but I tried to get you to come with me. You have to know that I really didn't want to leave you behind but I had to get out or I was going to fucking lose it. I just wish that I forced you to leave, that I'd been a bit more stubborn, that I'd been a better brother from the fucking start," He said, a lump forming in his throat. 

"It's alright, Sirius," James said, patting Sirius gently.

"And, I know," Sirius breathed, this was the most important thing he had to say. "I know I never said it and I wished I had but I did love you, always will," 

"He loved you too, you know," A voice said and Sirius knew it wasn't James. It was too feminine, too posh to be James'. He turned to see a tall, willowy woman with dark curls and a warm but sad smile on her face. 

"Andi?" 

"Alright, Sirius?" She smiled making her way over to hug him. Andromeda had always been his favourite relative, she had the same mischievous streak that he did and she had always openly defied the family's beliefs even more so when she had told Cygnus and Druella to go and shove their bigotry up their arses because she was marrying a muggleborn and that was the end of it. She had left that same night. 

"Hello, Andromeda," James smiled when the pair pulled away from their hug. 

"James," She said with a fond nod before returning her attentions back to her cousin. "He loved you so much, Sirius, adored you even," 

"Never felt like it," 

"No, I suppose it didn't," Andromeda shrugged. "How've you been?" She asked after awhile. 

"Alright, it's been a rough couple of months," 

"Hey, why don't you two come back to mine? We can have a bit of a catch up over a cup of tea and I'm sure Dora would love to see you as well," 

Sirius grinned then. He loved Andi's little girl, Dora, she was as much of a mischief maker as Sirius and Andi were but she was as kind as her father, Ted. 

"Is that alright?" Sirius asked Andi who just smiled at him. He turned to James, "Can we?" 

"I'm on board with it if Andi is," James smiled

"It's totally fine with me. I haven't seen you both - what? Since you're birthday?" She asked Sirius who nodded. "It'd be nice to catch up," 

*****

"Go and make yourself at home," Andi smiled as the three landed in her living room after apparating back. Sirius loved the Tonks' house, it was a small modest house but it looked well lived in and even to Sirius it felt like home. "Do you want some tea?" She called out as she made her way into the kitchen. 

"Yes, please," James and Sirius hollered back at the same time. Carefully, Sirius perched in the armchair nearest to him, it was a florally thing that looked like it belonged in an old ladies house rather than a rather young family's home but Sirius wasn't about to say that to Andromeda's face. 

"Weren't expecting to bump into her, were you?" James whispered as he made himself comfortable om the sofa. 

Sirius shook his head with a smile. "Honestly, wasn't. Glad we have though, I always feel better after seeing her," 

"Aw, Sirius, I'm flattered," Andromeda called out from the kitchen. "You're shit at whispering, I'm afraid. Both of you," She said with a grin as she came back into the living room with three mugs and a teapot. 

"Where's Ted and Dora?" James asked politely as she handed him a mug. 

"Ted's picking her up from school, they should be back in a bit," 

"You finally decided to send her to a muggle school then?" Sirius asked. When they'd last seen them, Andi and Ted had been up in arms over whether to keep homeschooling their daughter or to send her to a muggle infant school. 

"I wasn't entirely convinced, what with the whole Metamorphagus thing," Andi shrugged as she handed the teapot to Sirius who began to pour himself some. "But we've found some glamours that'll hide it, okay. I do think it's for the best though, Ted's done alright teaching her about the muggle world but we think being with other muggle kids will be good for her and it'll mean she won't be as utterly clueless as me and you were about the muggle world,"

"I think it's a brilliant idea," Sirius grinned taking a sip of his tea. He knew that if he'd been in the same position he'd want to send his child to a muggle school. 

"So, James are you still with Lily?" Andi asked with a smirk. She adored Lily and unsurprisingly, the pair had become firm friends ever since they first met after Sirius had run away to the Potter's. 

"Yep, still together, almost a year now," James grinned. Sirius was glad that Andi got on with most - if not all - of his found family. 

"I'm glad. I like her," 

"I do too," 

"So, how are the others? Lily included. Actually, where are the other two? Usually you're all together. You haven't had a falling out since I saw you last have you?" 

"Merlin, no," James chuckled. 

"Peter's at work, he wanted to come today but he couldn't get the time off," 

"Not even an afternoon?" She asked to which Sirius and James shook their heads. 

"Nah, Staff at the Ministry's a bit tight at the moment, especially in the sector he works in," Sirius shrugged. 

"He's doing well for himself then, if he's working at the Ministry. Good for him, I know how hard he'd have had to work for it," Andromeda smiled. "Now what about the one you had your eyes on? Remus? Have you and him finally gained some fucking sense and shagged each other senseless yet?" 

Fuck, he wished he hadn't told her about his feelings for his friend now. 

James had snorted at Andi's remark but immediately shut up when he saw the expression on Sirius' face. 

"Shit. Sirius, have I hit a nerve?" Andromeda asked, obviously panicked. Sirius huffed then, she hadn't known any better. 

"No, no, you weren't to know. He - um - he went missing about two months back," 

"Shitting fuck," Andi hissed under her breath as she placed her mug on the coffee table. "I am so sorry," 

"Don't be, it's fine. Like I said, you weren't to know," 

"You should've written to me," 

"I didn't see any point," 

"You didn't see any point?" She laughed humorlessly. "The point was so that I knew to contact you, to make sure you were alright. I get you don't like pity and all that shit but you're family Sirius and I care about you,"

"I'm sorry, I didn't -" 

"Mummy, we're home!" A small voice announced from the hallway. Sirius figured they're little spat would have to be put on hold for a while. 

"That'll be Dora and Ted," Andi said tightly. He hadn't meant to upset her. Far from it, he just didn't want to worry her. 

"Mummy?" 

"I'm in the living room, baby. I've got somebody here who wants to see you," She called out and there was a stomping of tiny feet until a small child with pink pigtails and blue dungarees was stood in the doorway. 

"Sirius!" The little girl exclaimed, propelling herself forward until she was in Sirius' lap. 

"Hey, Dora. How was school?" Sirius grinned at her. 

"It was good," 

"Tell your mum what you did at school today," Ted smiled from the door way. 

"I pushed Timmy into a bush," Dora grinned proudly and both Sirius and James burst into laughter. 

"Fucks sake, don't encourage her," Andi huffed throwing a glare in their direction but even so Sirius could tell she was suppressing a grin herself. 

"Mummy! You just said a rude word!" Dora exclaimed outraged.

"Sorry, baby, won't do it again. Why did you push Timmy into a bush?" 

"He said I couldn't play football because I was a girl. So I pushed him," She said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "He let me play football after that," 

"Next time, Dora, don't push people, you know better than that," 

"Daddy's already said that," She pouted clearly not liking the idea of being told off again. 

"But... He shouldn't of told you that you couldn't play," Andi grinned. "I hope you showed him how well you can play football," 

"I did. I didn't let the ball in the goal once!" 

"You should be setting an example, Andi, not encouraging her," Ted teased as he made his way to sit down next to James on the sofa. 

"Shush, you!" Andi smirked, slapping her husband playfully on the arm. "You're not any better!" 

"Hey," James said leaning towards Dora. "Why don't we, next time we see you play a game of football or we'll teach you how to play quidditch?" 

"Yes, I want to be a keeper!" Dora said excitedly, clapping, her hands and wiggling about in Sirius' lap.

"Dora, love, why don't you go upstairs for a bit and play with your lego?" Ted asked his daughter. 

"Okay," She shrugged before slipping off of Sirius' lap and bee lining for the stairs. 

"Well, I've got to say it's good to see you, Ted," Sirius smiled. 

"You too, mate," He grinned back. Sirius had always gotten on with Ted. He was a bit more mild-mannered then Sirius but he had a rather sarcastic flair to him and he was possibly the nicest man on earth. "How've you been getting on?" 

"Alright, thanks," Sirius shrugged in response. 

"James?" 

"Yeah, good thanks, mate," He smiled. "Are you still doing the Auror job?" 

"Yeah, I wanted to quit after that last mission went awry -" Sirius had remembered that night very well. He had gotten a firecall from a very distressed Andi at about eight at night who asked if he could come and babysit Dora as Ted had ended up in hospital after being hexed to high heaven. "Well, I've still got it. I wanted to quit but what with the war I thought it best to stay on, y'know?" 

"I understand," James nodded. They'd all made sacrifices for this bloody war. "Are you still working as a healer then, Andi?" 

"Yes, got moved to the Maternity Ward now. Prefer it there if I'm honest, it's a little less stressful than the Ward I was previously on," 

"Question," Sirius began. "Do you know a Marlene McKinnon? She started her Healer training at St. Mungos a little while back," 

"Hm, yes I think so. Pretty sure she did some training under me on the Maternity Ward. Ah, yes - pretty sure it was her, she said I looked really familiar, that I looked like someone else she new," 

"Probably was her then," James smiled. "You and Pads - I mean, Sirius, do look alike," 

"It's all that inbreeding," Sirius sniped causing Andi to snort with laughter. 

"I mean you aren't wrong," She grinned. "At least my father had the common sense to not marry his cousin," 

"Even so, he still lacked common sense," 

"Not arguing with you there, Sirius," Andi grinned. 

James stood up then, an apologetic look on his face and said, "Hey, I'm really sorry but we've got to head back, I promised Lils we'd be back for five and what with everything that's happened, I'd rather not worry her," 

"Don't worry about it," Andi smiled standing up when Sirius did. 

"Thanks for having us Andi," Sirius smiled

"No problem," She smiled making her way towards him to give him a hug. "Sirius, just - please, write to me, yeah? Or get in contact with us. I do worry about you, but it's not because I don't trust you. I do. It's because I love you, alright? I care about you, I hope you know that," 

"Don't worry, I will. I'll owl you when we get back to let you know we're safe and I'll try and come and visit soon. Give Dora that quidditch lesson," 

"Yeah, she'll love that," 

"Thanks again, Andi," 

"Any time, Sirius, stay safe," 

"You too," And with a crack of James' wand the pair apparated away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like this chapter. I'm not 100% happy with it but if I keep editing it anymore I won't ever publish it.  
> Thank you for all of the kind comments on the last two chapters, they are much appreciated.   
> Comments are very much appreciated along with constructive criticism.   
> Hope you're all well and safe xx


	4. 4: June, 1979

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He hated the misery and the panic that was eating him alive wherever he went. He wanted an out; a slight change in his routine; a job; anything to get him out of this rut and being here, waiting for Dumbledore to begin his speech wasn't helping. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took me so long to write and Idek why. I've kinda endedup really disliking it but I think that's because I've like edited and redited and rewritten things like a shit ton so if this really doesn't make sense, I do apologise.

** Friday, 1st June, 1979 **

Sirius was slowly beginning to hate the monotony of his day to day life. He hated having to turn up to Order meetings, he hated sitting around waiting for Missions that would never come. He hated the misery and the panic that was eating him alive wherever he went. He wanted an out; a slight change in his routine; a job; anything to get him out of this rut and being here, waiting for Dumbledore to begin his speech wasn't helping. 

"Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you all for attending this evening. I have some very important news, intel suggests that Voldemort is recruiting dark creatures to join his army including Inferi but mostly werwolves. We have every reason to believe that he's in cohorts with several packs and is making Fenrir Greyback a close ally," 

Sirius tensed up as soon as the name left Dumbledore's mouth. Sirius had never held as much anger towards anyone as he did for Greyback. He couldn't begin to comprehend as to why anyone would target a child to get revenge on someone and he hated it even more that it had made Remus loath himself. Beside him he could hear James mutter, "The bastard" next to him. 

"As some of you may very well know their has been news stating that Regulus Black, son of the Black family and possibly the most notorious partners of Voldemort has passed away. Speculations and intel suggest it's most likely Voldemort had something to do with his passing," 

Sirius frowned, he hadn't expected anything much but he had thought that maybe Dumbledore would have more answers or would have known a little bit more than what the papers did. He glanced at James then to find him looking at him intently, he mouthed 'You alright?' to which Sirius nodded. 

"I've also been informed that the Death Eaters are getting more... adventurous, shall we say, with their attacks. They are starting to do more with Muggles present at events where the most wealthy and powerful are and why? Well, we're not sure. With that being said we will have to be alert," Dumbledore stated. "That is all from me, but can Mr Potter, Miss Evans, Mr Pettigrew, Mr Black and Miss Macdonald see Alastor in the kitchen, please?" 

A murmur filled the room and Sirius shot James a look that said _You got any idea what this is about?_ To which James replied with a shake of his head before grabbing Lily's hand and striding out of the room. Sirius got up after with Mary and Peter behind him and followed them out. 

They walked into Shacklebolt's rather homely and spacious kitchen to find Madeye bent over the rather large kitchen table which had floor plans and leaflets from some sort of Muggle museum strewn out over it. 

"I bloody hope you lot were paying attention to the last part of Dumbledore's announcement as this is very much to do with that," Madeye grunted as they all gathered round the table. Sirius wasn't sure what the older man was getting at but he didn't exactly like it. 

"So they're attacking the National Gallery?" Lily asked picking up a leaflet and flicking through it before handing it to James who looked riddled with confusion. 

"We've reason to believe they may target the National Gallery, yes. On the twenty-sixth of July, to be exact. They've got an event on - some charity thing - and let's just say the who's who of both muggle and Magical London'll be there," Madeye clarified, watching James as he put the flyer down. 

"Well, why that event? I mean, there are plenty events that the ' _who's who of magical London'_ will attend so why a muggle one?" James asked, pushing his glasses further up his nose. Sirius had to agree with James it didn't make sense but then there were rumours that the Death Eaters wanted to break the Statute of Secrecy but the why still remained a mystery. 

"Not necessarily. This is the only one they can confidently say that the people they want to target will be at. I suppose it's a kill two bird's with one stone kind of situation," Madeye clarified as he picked up a piece of paper that was in front of Peter. "According to the Guest List, Mr. Nicholas Flamel will be attending -" 

"The Philosopher's Stone," James said matter off factly. 

"Pardon?" 

"That's why they want to get to him, isn't it? Flamel, I mean. The Philosopher's stone. Voldemort probably wants it to use it as, one, either a way of staying alive and in power for as long as he can or two, to use it as a way to gain more supporters. If he's offering immortality then people are likely to jump on that,"

Madeye hummed at that and Sirius was sure he looked please. 

"Can somebody tell me who Nicholas Flamel is and what this stone does?" Peter asked. 

"Nicholas Flamel's rather famous in the alchemy world. Dad trained under him for a little while before he started up Sleakeazy. A couple hundred years ago he managed to use alchemy to create this stone which - somehow - gives the beholder immortality. He's, what, over four hundred years old now?" James explained, his last sentence aimed at Madeye. 

"Not sure. Would you be able to ask Monty to send me over some notes on Flamel and the stone?" 

"I can try," 

"Right, so Flamel'll be there and then we've got Wallace Coleridge -" 

"Who?" Sirius asked, he'd heard of Flammel but never of this Coleridge guy. 

"He's the secretary to the Minister of Magic, rather nice bloke too," Peter replied rushedly. 

"I like how he doesn't know who possibly one of the greatest alchemists in our history is but he knows who the Minister's secretary is," James said shooting Peter a grin who rolled his eyes fondly. 

"Potter, you can take the piss in your own time, thank you very much," Madeye snapped and James ducked his head in apology. 

"Peter's right. Coleridge is the secretary to the Minister of Magic but we've got a tip off stating that he's giving government information to the Death Eaters and I think they may be right. If he's done something that aggravates them or not upheld his end of their deal, they'll want to kill him as soon as they can. Stop him from double crossing them," Mary stated, pushing a picture of a man slightly older than them with a sharp jawline and dark curls into the middle of the table.

"But why do it at some poncy event?" Peter shrugged.

"To lull him into a false sense of security. If he's done something to piss them off, they'll get him when his guards down. Besides where's the place you'd least expect them to attack? Somewhere Muggle, it's perfect," Sirius stated from where he was stood and out of the corner of his eye, he could see Madeye raising an eyebrow at him. "They've always done that. All the Dark families, whether they're under Voldemort or not. They make you feel safe, like you've gotten away with whatever you've done and then they strike," 

"The list also says the Minister of Magic, Harold Minchum, and Muggle Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher, will be attending which means that they may have an even larger reason to attack. If they kill them both at the same time, well, they've immediately got power over both Muggle and Magical Britain,"

There was a silence that fell over them as they all took in what Madeye was saying. Of they got power over Britain magical or otherwise, it was most likely the end. The war would already be lost before it had even begun. 

"So what's the plan then, Madeye?" Mary grinned at the older man and Sirius was shocked at her cockiness. 

"Watch yourself, Macdonald," He glared but Sirius was sure he was smiling. "You'll be going as Coleridge's date as long as you don't cock things up," 

"What do you mean by that?" Lily frowned to which Madeye grunted incoherently in response. 

"I think it's fair they know," Mary shrugged, crossing her arms. 

"Fine," Madeye huffed clearly defeated. "The bottom line is that MacDonald, here, is acting as an... admirer of Mr. Coleridge's to try and get information out of him," 

"So you're basically putting her up for prostitution," Lily huffed, hands on hips. Sirius had to agree with her, they were using Mary as a tool rather than a human being. 

"We are not,"

"You're using her and her body in exchange for information. It's almost the same bloody thing," Lily hissed. 

"I agree. It was basically prostitution at first but, well, Coleridge isn't exactly interested in women so there's no sex or anything involved. Thank Merlin," Mary sighed. "The only reason this has carried on is because I'm undercover working as an intern for Kingsley so our paths cross often. We've become friends, if you will, and he's using me to make it seem like he has a girlfriend," Mary shrugged. "So I'm acting as his partner but what will I be doing?" 

"Up until the event, you'll be compiling as much information as possible on him. At the event, protect him at all costs. We'll take him in to get information and we want him alive," 

"Aye, aye" Mary grinned giving him a mock salute. 

Madeye shot her another glare but ignored her. "Potter, Black, Pettigrew and Evans, you'll be on look out for the whole evening. See if there's anybody there that looks dodgy, keep tabs on the two Ministers,"

"That's all well and good but why aren't the Aurors dealing with it?" Sirius asked. He would of thought that this would've been their jurisdiction. 

"They don't believe we've got enough evidence to go on. A few tip offs and the odd informant isn't exactly reliable but I think we need people there just incase at least," 

"It's bullshit that they won't pick this up," 

"I agree, Mr Black," Madeye said and he must've caught Sirius frown before he corrected himself. "Sorry, Sirius," Sirius looked up and smiled at the older man. He wasn't so bad after all. 

"Why us?" Lily asked. "Surely, it would be easier to have Alice and Frank on this case or maybe even Mr and Mrs. Potter," 

"Mr and Mrs Longbottom will already be occupied in another mission and besides they're Aurors which means if they went against the Ministry's strict orders not to go to this event they could lose their jobs," Madeye said to which Lily just nodded. "And, I mean, no offense, Mr and Mrs Potter are brilliant and valuable members of the Order but they are getting on and I'd rather not have anything happen to them. We're putting the pair of them on the back burner, if you will, giving Monty research tasks and Effie shifts at St. Mungo's when their understaffed,"

"Thank you," James said and Sirius nodded in thanks too. They had both been worried about their parents ever since Monty's seventieth and Effie hadn't even reached seventy yet and she was already shaky. 

"Not a problem, I'd rather keep them around for a little bit longer," Madeye shrugged and Sirius was sure his voice cracked slightly. "And in terms of it being easier to have them, not necessarily. You see, Potter and Sirius, if I'm assuming correctly, are used to events like this, what with your upper class upbringings so you'll know the protocols, the do's and don't's of these kind of things. We've chosen, you, Evans, and Pettigrew because you have a grasp of the Muggle world and - if I'm right, don't you know quite a lot about art, Evans? "

"I suppose. Mum was a curator for one of the London Galleries," 

"Yes, I thought so. Would you be able to get the others to learn a bit of... art history?" 

"No offence, Moody, but half the people at these things don't know the first fucking thing about art," Sirius protested. If he was being extremely honest, half the time the people who turned up to events like that had no idea about anything. 

"That might be so but I don't want you to blow your covers by not knowing a god damn thing about the muggle art world," Madeye sneered before clearing his throat. "The event's at the end of July so we've plenty of time to prepare for it. We'll meet weekly until then. I'll send a port key location to you all soon enough. Macdonald, I want as much information as possible on Coleridge before then. See if you can find out what he's sending over to the Death Eaters, "

"Yep, will do," 

"Until then, please, find your best outfits and make sure you learn a bit of art history and, most importantly, learn how to not draw attention to yourselves," Sirius was certain that the last remark was aimed at him and James. "You're free to leave. I'll be in touch," 

*****

_Dear Sirius,_

_Me and your father were going to mention this to you after the meeting but we never got a chance as you got called away. Just wanted to let you know that we're doing the usual summer garden party, might be a good spirit raiser, don't you think?_

_Anyway, we'd love for you to come and I was also wondering if you'd invite Andromeda, Ted and Dora along too, it'd be lovely to see them again._

_We've also invited Hope. She's been awfully lonely the last couple of months so it might be good for her to be surrounded by friends and to have a jolly good time._

_James has invited the others along: Mary, Dorcas, Marlene and Peter and obviously Lily's coming. It wouldn't be a family gathering without them now would it?_

_It starts at One on Sunday the tenth, please say you'll make it. We hardly ever see you these days._

_All our love,_

_Mum and Dad_

_Xx_

*****

_Andi,_

_Hello, how are you all doing? I've just received a letter from Effie saying that she's holding the usual Potter summer garden party and she asked me to invite you, Ted and Dora along. It's at one on Sunday at the Potter Manor and everyone else will be there. (You'll get to see Lily again)_

_Me and James promise to teach Dora Quidditch then too. She's waited long enough, I think._

_Let me know if you're coming so I can tell Effie._

_Send my love to Dora and all the best for you and Ted,_

_Sirius_

*****

_Dear Sirius,_

_We're all fine. Dora keeps getting into trouble at school for hitting the boys who are mean to her and honestly, I can't say I'm that mad. Haha._

_Now to answer your question, we'd love to come and I don't think I can say no to it as Dora's dead set on learning how to play Quidditch. It's a shame neither me or Ted played, I hated flying and Ted wasn't ever very good at it._

_Tell Effie we'll definitely be there._

_All my love, (Ted and Dora say hi)_

_Andi x_

__*****

**Sunday, 10th June, 1979**

"Mum? Dad? Anybody in?" Sirius called out from the hallway of Potter Manor. It was eerily quiet for once and Sirius wasn't sure he liked it. Usually, when you first stepped into the house, you could smell Effie's cooking and hear her pottering about in the kitchen or Monty had The Mills Brothers blaring out of his record player or James was shouting something stupid down the staircase at someone. But there was none of that. It was making him uncomfortable and there was a faint twisting feeling in his stomach. 

"Oh, Sirius is here, Monty!" Sirius could hear Effie call out from where she must've been stood on the patio and he let out a breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding. When he heard her footsteps, Sirius made his way into the kitchen to meet Effie where she gave him a hug and a quick peck on the cheek. "Hello, love, it's good to see you. James and Monty are out back putting up the gazebo. Lily's there too, laughing at them," 

"Sounds like a Lily thing to do," Sirius grinned and he could hear her cackling from afar. 

"They're awful at putting that thing up. I swear, they never read the bloody instructions," Effie grinned, slightly exasperated at her husband and son. "Now, I thought I'd spare you the agitation and humiliation of putting that damned thing up and put you on kitchen duties, "

"That sounds brilliant," 

"Thought you'd jump at the chance," Effie smiled before gesturing at the table. "I was about to make some Jam Tarts before those two bloody idiots demanded I help them. Why don't you make them instead and I'll make some Gulab Jamun?"

"Fine by me," Sirius smiled as he moved to the kitchen table and shucked off his jacket. 

"Andromeda and Ted still coming?" Effie asked as she opened one of the cupboards. 

"Yes, still think they are. Dora's excited about it, me and James promised her we'd teach her Quidditch, so sorry about that," 

"As long as no windows are broken this time," Effie scolded, jabbing a finger at him jokingly

"I make no promises," He said barking out a laugh but he couldn't help the bittersweet feeling that had settled in the pit of his stomach.

It had been the summer before Sixth Year and somehow - by a miracle - Sirius and James had managed to persuade Remus to get on one of the spare brooms and play Quidditch with them. The problem was that Remus was actually rather good at Quidditch but he didn't always know his own strength especially close to the full moon and well, one slightly too forceful kick had made the quaffle go right through the kitchen window. Effie had been furious. 

Sirius tried to distract himself from the feeling settling in his stomach by putting all his attention into rolling out the pastry and he was starting to get quite bored of it until Lily walked in.

"Alright, Sirius? Have you read that article I gave you?" She asked with a smile. Ever since Madeye had badgered on about them brushing up on basic art history, Lily had been giving him books and things to look at and honestly, Sirius was enjoying it immensely. He'd always liked art and he had loved the muggle galleries when him and Lily had visited the other day. He was half tempted to get back into drawing himself. 

"The Linda Nochlin one?" Sirius asked to which Lily replied with a nod. "Not quite, I started it and it seems interesting so far. A bit more... up to date than some of the others,"

"I'll agree with you there. I rather liked it, so did Mum. She was the one who showed it to me," Lily said as she sat down at the table as Sirius cut the tarts out. 

"Mum said you were laughing at James and Dad out up the gazebo," Sirius asked with a raised eyebrow. 

Lily threw her head back and cackled again to which Effie joined in with a slight giggle. "She's not wrong. I mean, it's just so painful to watch. They don't ever follow the instructions. I've told James that when me and him move, I'm the one putting up the flat packs not him," 

Sirius and Effie laughed at that comment but in all seriousness he could see Lily putting up shelving units by herself. She'd always been rather independent and her dad had been a handy man so she knew the odd bit about DIY. 

"So what have you lot got planned this week then?" Effie asked with a smile from where she was making the Ghulab Jamun into balls. 

"Well, me and James are going house hunting again. We can't find anything for love nor money. Even if we found a slightly nicer flat would be fine, we just need somewhere with a bit more space and honestly, where we are now isn't the nicest area," 

"I'm sure you'll find somewhere nice soon," Effie smiled apologetically. 

"I hope so too. So there's that and then me and Mary might go and see if we can get something to wear for that event at the end of July but it's not set in stone yet," 

"That's nice," Effie smiled slightly distracted by what she was doing. "Sirius, what are you doing, love? Do you have time to come round for dinner with us this week?" 

"I'll be here for dinner don't worry. I haven't got a lot in. Going out to get Pete his birthday present and then... well, actually, I am doing something. I know you don't like 'em, Mum, but I thought I might get two more tattoos," Sirius shrugged as he out the tarts in the tray. 

"Oh, okay," Effie smiled. "I'm not going to stop you from getting them, Sirius. If they're what you want, who am I to object?" Sirius smiled at her then in an appreciation for her comment. 

"So what are you getting then?" Lily asked. 

"Um, I was thinking the Canis Major constellation. It's the - uh - constellation," Sirius stopped for a moment and let out a shaky breath. They said time was supposed to heal but Sirius thought that with time it was beginning to get harder to mention Regulus without feeling like his lungs were being ripped out. "It's the constellation Regulus is in," 

"Oh," Lily said before giving him a sad smile. He'd been on the receiving end of so many of those lately. "I think it's lovely," 

"I do too, Sirius," 

"What about the the other one? You said you wanted two,"

"Um, yes. I've wanted to get this one for awhile but I never did because I knew he'd freak out about it but now he's bit here I might as well find a way to honour him," It was only then he stopped and realised that he probably wasn't really making sense to Lily or Effie. "I want to get a tattoo of the moon, make it magical, have it change with the actual phases. I've wanted it ever since I got my first tattoo but I didn't because I knew Remus would freak," 

"Or he'd cry over it," Lily supplied. 

"I suppose he might've done that, yeah," 

"Well, I think they're both lovely ideas, Sirius, honestly. If you're happy with them, I am," Effie said moving over and placing a kiss on his forehead but then a harsh buzz ruined the moment. "That's the doorbell" And Effie trotted away

"I think Remus would have loved it. The moon tattoo,"

"Really?" Sirius asked and he knew exactly what face he was pulling. James called it his ' _surprised_ _puppy'_ face. 

"Yes, really. He was in love with everything you ever did, to be honest. He worshipped the ground you walked on, half the time. The other half he moaned about how much of an idiot you were," 

"Sounds like him," 

"He felt the same way, I think. I can't know for sure because you know what he was like. Never spoke about how he felt. God, I don't even know if he swung that way but I think he really did like you," 

Sirius didn't say anything just opted for nodding. He wasn't entirely sure what to do with any of this information. 

*****

** Friday, 25th June, 1979 **

"Right, Macdonald, any news on Coleridge?" Madeye asked from where he was sat at the head of the worn wooden table. Sirius wasn't entirely sure where this meeting was being held and he couldn't help but feel that maybe this was Madeye's house. It was all dark and rustic and there were odd trinkets strewn about every surface. 

"One of the other Aurors asked me to grab them a very classified file from the Minister. I won't specify what was in it but it was to do with an upcoming mission. I went to go and grab it but Coleridge had said that he'd recieved no such file but it doesn't match up with paperwork," Mary huffed from where she was stood leant against the kitchen counter nursing a tumbler of Vodka in her hands. 

"How do you mean?" Lily asked a frown on her face. Sirius couldn't help but smile slightly, Mary and Lily were the ones practically running this mission and he couldn't be prouder. He was also sure they should've become Aurors. 

"Well, the way they do it, you have to mark down when a file is delivered, received and then given back so that there's no lost files or anything like that. Coleridge has marked it as 'received' on the paperwork yet he's telling everyone he hasn't got it,"

Sirius frowned at that explanation. It seemed to him and, by the looks of it the others, that Coleridge's stories weren't adding up. He was sure that Coleridge had something to hide.

"That seems fucking dodgy, don't you think?" He huffed earning him a glare from Madeye. The older man had a ' _if_ _you've got nothing useful to say don't say it'_ policy and Sirius figured that remark feel under the _not useful_ category. 

"Well, is there anyway he could've mucked up the paperwork? It is incredibly tedious," Peter asked to which Mary shook her head. 

"It's a possibility but Coleridge is so precise with it that I highly doubt he'd get it wrong. Besides, when he was out for lunch, I had a bit of a rummage through his desk and I couldn't find t exact file but I did find these," Mary said placing her glass down and then, pushing herself off of the counter and towards the satchel she had brought with her. She rummaged through it before shouting, "Ah Ha!" and waving a couple of files in the air. 

"These are files that went missing ages ago," Mary said throwing them into the middle of the table. "They were marked down as if they'd been received and given back but they weren't. The Aurors department never got them back," 

"So this effectively proves he's guilty?" James asked, picking up the files and reading the front of them. Sirius peered over his shoulder, they all said the same kind of things: _File Number 3: The Douglas Case, 04/01/1979_

"Yes and no," Madeye huffed. "It's enough to make us believe he's involved with the Death Eaters and so is the mismatching paperwork but it won't hold up in front of the Wizengamot if it's the only evidence we've got," 

"It's not concrete enough," Lily hummed. "We need something that proves he's involved with Dark Magic. Could we get an Auror on the case?" 

"Kingsley's on the case already," Mary shrugged. "We're not doing too badly but it's slow work,"

Sirius nodded. He understood that they needed to go slow in order not to draw attention to themselves but if they went too slow who knows what Ministry secrets could be handed over to the Death Eaters. 

"What about whether he's attending the event?" James asked with a frown. 

"Yes, he is. He asked me to go with him to help him 'keep up appearances'," Mary grimaced and Sirius couldn't help but agree. He couldn't imagine being that unhappy that you had to cover up who you were. He'd struggled with his identity at first but here he was embracing it and not really caring who knew. He couldn't imagine the misery Coleridge was in. "That means either there's no attack or he doesn't bloody know about it," 

"I think it might be the latter," Sirius hummed and he wasn't shocked to find that the others were agreeing with him. 

"I think you're right, Sirius," Madeye nodded. "Now, Mary kindly has gifted me her invitation, she's received a formal one as she's going as Coleridge's plus one. Potter, I understand that you'll be able to multiply these and put a confundus charm on them?" Madeye asked handing James the invitation. 

"Yep, you can have them by next week," James nodded, taking the invitation from him. 

"Good," Madeye nodded. "Another thing, Potter, have you asked your father about Flamel?" 

"Yes, but he knows no more than I do," James huffed. It was true, Sirius had been there when James had asked Monty about Nicholas Flamel and the Philosopher's stone. He had just frowned and basically repeated what James had said at the last meeting. "But, he did say that he'll try and get in touch with him. If needs be, I can go under the pretence of working for the Prophet or that independent paper Xenophillius runs," 

"Might be the way to go," Madeye nodded before continuing to speak in an uncharacteristically soft voice, "I suppose that's all for tonight. I'll see you all next week and, Merlin, don't do anything fucking stupid it'd be a shame to find out we lost one of you lot," 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the lovely feedback on the previous chapters. Much appreciated xx


	5. 5. July, 1979

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius decided that then was the time to continue his patrol and he hadn't even made it into the adjoining room when he noticed the familiar stale, horrid stench of dark magic. It was the same magic he had been brought up with, the same magic he had been punished with. The kind of magic he hated. 

** Monday, 2nd July, 1979 **

"Thanks, for doing that, Sirius, love," Molly smiled gratefully as she walked into her kitchen. 

"Don't worry about it. I'm quite fond of the little troublemakers," Sirius grinned back at her just as Fred and George waddled past leaving a trail of mud in their wake.

He wasn't going to lie, Sirius loved all of the Weasley children; they were all so alike and so different all at once. Fred and George were loud, tiny toddlers who caused chaos and mischief wherever they went; Percy was slightly older and slightly quieter but he wouldn't take no for an answer. Charlie was just as quiet, if not more so, but he liked to come and show Sirius the odd worm or snail he had found in the garden and Bill was the oldest, at eight years old, and incredibly independent. He seemed to like Sirius enough but the boy had told him to "Piss off" earlier so he wasn't really sure. (He also wasn't entirely sure where Bill had heard that phrase from)

"I know you are. You're brilliant with all of them and between you and me, you're their favourite babysitter," She winked conspiratorially. 

"They're good kids," Sirius smiled. "So, how was it?". Molly had told him that she had an appointment at St. Mungo's but she hadn't mention what for. (He was praying to Merlin that it wasn't anything serious; Sirius wasn't sure he could stomach any more bad news) 

"Really good, actually," Molly grinned. "Arthur was so upset he couldn't come," Sirius frowned at that last remark, if it had been a general checkup he wasn't sure why Arthur would have wanted to go or been upset by not attending. He ruled that one out. 

Molly let out a slight giggle, presumably at Sirius' confused expression before saying two words he had definitely not expected to come out of her mouth, "I'm pregnant," 

Sirius could feel the grin growing on his face before he lept forward and engulfed Molly in a hug, picking her up and spinning her around as he did so. "Congratulations, I'm so bloody happy for you," 

"Cheers, love. Now put me back down," Molly said with a giggle and Sirius obliged and placed her feet firmly back down on the floor. "Lucky you, you'll have another Weasley child you can take care of," 

"Oh, I can't wait. If they're anything like the others, they'll be a great kid. And besides, that's the joy of other people's children, I have a great time looking after them but I can give them back afterwards," Sirius jested. 

"Gideon says the same thing," Molly laughed as she sat down at the kitchen table, Sirius following suit. 

"How long have you known?" 

"Well over a month now, roughly," 

"I can't believe it, bloody hell," Sirius grinned. He was genuinely happy for Molly and Arthur, they were brilliant parents and a large family suited them.

"Now, you'll tell your lot for me, won't you?" Molly asked him. "Me and Arthur decided that we'd tell the family before the first proper scan and then everyone else after it. We thought it might be nice to have some good news for a change," 

"It is and, don't worry, I'll let them know," Sirius smiled as he glanced up at the grandfather clock on the other side of the kitchen. Eleven forty-five am. 

_Shit. I'm going to be late._

"I'm really sorry, Molly, I've got to get going. Having lunch at Mum's," He apologised as he stood up. 

"No worries. Send Effie and Monty my love," She grinned. 

"Will do," Sirius nodded, bending down to give Molly one last hug before apparating away. 

*****

** Saturday, 14th July, 1979 **

"Come on, let's see it," Dorcas goaded, prodding Sirius in the side. "It's not fair, me and Marls are the only ones who haven't seen it yet," 

Dorcas wasn't lying. Sirius hadn't seen the couple since the last Order meeting and they hadn't spent anytime together since then. But it was nice, being here sat on the sofa with Dorcas on one side and Mary on the other and with the rest of his friends sprawled out across James and Lily's living room. 

"If you're on about his dick, Dorcs, you and Marls seriously aren't missing out," Peter drawled from where was sat on the floor earning himself a snort from Lily who had just walked back into the room to hand Mary a cider. 

"Do you kiss your mother with that filthy mouth?" Sirius gasped dramatically as he flipped Peter the 'V'. 

Peter gawped at him in response, pretending to be offended and making the group roar out in laughter. Lily snorted rather unattractively as she sat down next to Mary, earning herself a glare from Sirius. 

"Come on, Sirius," Marlene pleaded and with a huff, Sirius pushed up the sleeve of his t-shirt so it was resting on his shoulder and held his arm out towards Dorcas and Marlene. 

"Oh, it's beautiful, Sirius," Dorcas cooed. 

"He would've loved it," Marlene smiled. 

"Yeah, maybe," Sirius shrugged but he knew that Marlene was right. Remus would have loved it. It was a simple little tattoo; Sirius had done that on purpose. He had decided that if he wanted this tattoo to honour Remus, he thought that he might as well do it right so he asked for it to be small and simple; he supposed it was modest like Remus. 

Sirius felt someone squeeze his leg and he turned to see Mary smiling at him softly. "It's gorgeous," She mouthed at him. 

"Have you lot stopped gawking yet?" James said bringing out two bottles of drink, handing one to Lily. 

"You're just jealous that none of them are fawning after you, Prongsie boy," Sirius said with a shit eating grin. 

"I don't know who you're trying to fool, mate," Marlene snickered from where she was sat next to Dorcas. "Imagine fawning over Sirius," She grimaced before fake gagging. 

"Oh, haha, very funny," Sirius said as he lazily flipped her the bird. 

"Love you too, Black," Marlene grinned. God, she was such a little shit. 

"Love you too, Marls," Sirius said softly and he truly did mean it. 

*****

**Thursday, 26th July, 1979**

Sirius had to admit that he wasn't sure how this was going to work at all. He highly doubted that the Death Eaters would turn up in their masks and cloaks and that was the biggest pointer that they were there and preparing an attack. 

"Right, everyone remember the plan?" James had asked when they were inside, running a hand through his hair. Somehow, he'd managed to make it ever so slightly neater than usual but it wasn't much better. 

"You and Lils'll start your Patrol in the East Wing. I'll start mine in the Portrait Gallery and Pete'll start in the West Wing. Be on the look out for any odd or dodgy activity. Got it?" Sirius asked in a low voice. 

The others nodded and before they all made their ways to their respective galleries, Lily stopped and gave Sirius a quick squeeze on the arm that said, ' _Be careful, take care,'._ And with that, they were gone. 

__Stepping into the portrait gallery, Sirius was instantly reminded of how much he hated events like these. They were nothing but a reminder of his childhood. Of his parents holding events (obviously much more formal than this) filled with bigots of all kinds. He remembered his mother whispering poison in his ear and telling him things like, ' _One step out of lone, boy, and you will not see the light of day again, do you understand?';_ his father not so subtly wrapping Sirius' knuckles with his wand if he so much as slouched and (most hauntingly) the casual use of slurs falling off the tongues of the guests. That, in Sirius' opinion had always hurt him more than any Unforgivable curse his parents had thrown at him in means of punishment. 

_Merlin, I feel sick._

Sirius had to stop for a moment and the familiar feeling of panic was once again beginning to bubble in his stomach. 

_Get a grip, Black. You've got a mission to do._

He took a deep breath and stepped further into the gallery where a waiter came by to offer him a glass of champagne. Sirius took it but only so he had something to occupy his hands with. He wasn't going to drink it though; Madeye had made them promise not to. 

"Drinking on the job won't help anyone," He had said. 

Sirius was currently stood in front of, what a plaque, called _Judith_ by Gustav Klimt. He thought it was a rather impressive piece and he suddenly wished that he had a sketchpad and a bit of charcoal on him. Sirius shook his head. 

_Focus, Black._

Sirius turned then so his back was towards the painting and he was facing outwards into the gallery. He was almost one hundred percent certain that Mary was stood near the corner looking rather pretty in a tasteful, velvet blue dress and stood next to her was, who he assumed to be, Wallace Coleridge who looked comfortable enough being here. 

_Mary's right. He really hasn't got a clue about the attack if there is one._

Reluctantly, Sirius pulled his gaze away from Mary, making a mental note to check on her from time to time. He knew Mary didn't need protecting but it would make him feel better if he did so. Once his eyes scanned the far end of the room, they landed on a gaggle of older men and their wives: all white, wealthy and old and all of them laughing haughtily at something one of them had said. 

_Probably something offensive, no doubt._

Sirius decided that then was the time to continue his patrol and he hadn't even made it into the adjoining room when he noticed the familiar stale, horrid stench of dark magic. It was the same magic he had been brought up with, the same magic he had been punished with. The kind of magic he hated. 

_Shit, they're here. There's actually going to be an attack. Fuck._

Sirius moved as quickly as possible, trying to look as natural as he could so he wouldn't alarm anyone. The only thing he could think to do was to find the others and quickly, so they could be prepared to fight back before anyone got hurt. As he stepped back into the Portrait Gallery, Sirius re scanned the room for Mary who was still stood in the corner with Coleridge. All he could do was go over, he wasn't going to be able to catch her attention from where he was standing currently. 

Sirius took a step forward and that was when it all began...

Pieces of the wall and shards of glass from the window blasted across the room as a streak of blue light struck the room, sending everyone to the floor. People had begun to shriek and as Sirius sat up, he could hear people running away.

Tentatively, Sirius lifted his hand to his head and as he pulled his hand away he saw the familiar stain of blood. He must have smacked it on impact after the blast. 

Sirius shook it off and got up in a flash, slipping his wand out of his jacket pocket and immediately casting a protection charm as curse after curse was sent his way. 

Out of the corner of his eye, Sirius could see Mary, she had her hand fisted against Coleridge's shirt and it looked like she was putting a sticking charm on him. Madeye had told her that she needed to get Coleridge in for questioning. 

Suddenly, Mary was next to him, Coleridge still stuck to the wall looking absolutely terrified and rightly so. 

"Wouldn't like to be on the receiving end of your wrath," He joked as he sent a Blasting Charm in the direction of the masked figures who had now stepped out of the safety of the cloud of dust and into the danger of the light. 

"Now is not the time, Sirius," She snarled before grabbing the sleeve of Sirius' jacket and pulling him to the floor as she casted _Stupefy_ at a Death Eater before he could do any serious damage. "Where the fuck are the others?" 

Sirius didn't say anything. Not entirely sure whether he was glad that the others weren't there because then at east he knew that they were safe or whether he was annoyed that they didn't have the back up. 

In the meantime, however, Mary and Sirius acted as one: pulling the other down to avoid a curse shot in their direction, flinging spells and charms this way and that to keep each other safe. 

Sirius turned to cast a cascading charm and he managed to take out three Death Eaters at once before he heard someone shout "Pads!" from behind him. Suddenly, someone had their arms around his waist and before Sirius could register it, they were in a heap on the floor as a blue light flew towards them and struck the person on top of him right in the side causing to writhe around uncontrollably. 

_Shit. Cruciatus Curse._

Gently, Sirius rolled his saviour off of him to reveal that it was none other than James fucking Potter who'd taken a curse for him.(Though, honestly, Sirius would never have expected any different from his best friend)

Silently, Sirius casted a protection charm around the two of them and then checked James' airways. Sirius had had many close calls with the Cruciatus Curse before and he wasn't going to take any chances now, especially when James was involved. The other boys breathing had shallowed out now and he was starting to make wheezing noises. 

_Fuck, he's choking._

_"Anapneo,"_ Sirius muttered and then James was spluttering. He was still writhing around but Sirius knew he could easily get him out of it now that he was breathing properly again.

"Prongs? Prongs, can you hear me? I need you to breathe in and out, slow and steady," He instructed, grabbing James' face to get his attention. "Don't panic, it'll be alright, just breathe," He said, breathing dramatically as he did so to show James what to do. Slowly, James was copying and his writhing was beginning to slow down to. As he was muttering every healing spell he knew, someone put a hand on his shoulder. 

"They're gone, Sirius. Is - James- Is he alright?" Lily asked, teary eyed and shaking. Her green dress was ripped in places and she had blood all over her face, Sirius presumed it had come from the nasty gash on her cheek. 

"He's not out of the woods yet but I think he'll be alright. He'll be sore for the next couple of days and he might fade in and out of consciousness for the next twenty-four hours but he should be okay," Sirius shrugged and his voice felt far away. It sounded too formal, too distant. 

_He did it to protect me. It should have been me who was hit._

A little bit away, Sirius heard Peter call out, "Mary?" as he upturned the larger bits of debris and broken lumps of brick. "Fuck," He swore, rushing over to a mound. 

Sirius stood up then and practically sprinted over to where Peter had vanished behind a mountain of rubble and dust. Sure enough, Mary was there, perched up against the pile of debris with a deep, gaping wound across her forehead. "Mary, can you hear me?" Sirius asked, crouching down beside her. 

"I can hear you," She huffed. "M'alright. M'fine. Can you - just, spell that shut for me, please?" She asked as she gestured to the wound on her forehead. Sirius nodded and with a flick of his wand the wound had been closed up. "Is Coleridge still here?" 

Beside him, Peter craned his neck to see. "Yep, Coleridge is still there. That sticking charm worked a treat, Mary," 

Mary bobbed her head in acknowledgement before asking, "Where are the other two? Where's Lily and James?" 

"James got hit by the... Cruciatus Curse," Sirius winced as soon as he saw the look of terror on Mary's face. 

"Fucking hell," Mary swore, scrambling to her feet before pitching forward.

"No, you need to sit. Pete, have you called for back up?" Sirius asked as he placed Mary back on the floor. Peter just nodded in response. 

"Don't move so suddenly, you've got a head injury for fucks sake," Sirius snapped at Mary. 

"If you're bedside manners weren't so appalling, you'd make a brilliant healer," 

"Haha, now is not the time," 

"I'm being serious," 

Sirius just ignored her. He was too frustrated to deal with her in this mood and the guilt and the panic was starting to set in but before it could get awful, Madeye has burst through the Portrait Gallery doors, flanked by two aurors and a healer, who immediately rushed over to where James was lying on the floor, no longer writhing about. 

Sirius watched as Madeye followed, coming to stand next to Lily and to Sirius' suprise he gave her a hug and let her sob into his shirt. From where Sirius was sat he couldn't make out much of what the healer was saying but he managed to catch, "We need to get him to St. Mungo's now, just incase he takes a turn for the worse," 

_Well, shit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk about this chapter. Also sorry it took so long to come out, I ended up procrastinating by writing a fic that had Remus in it right from the beginning because I too miss Remus Lupin.  
> So there's my awful excuse of why this has taken awhile.


	6. 6: August, 1979

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Are you mad?" James spluttered, looking at Sirius incredulously. "Course I did, Sirius, you fucking dolt. You're my brother and I promised myself that I'd never let anyone ever fucking harm you again," James had made that exact promise the night Sirius ran away. He'd told him that they'd take him and that family would never be allowed to hurt him again. 

** Wednesday, 1st August, 1979 **

"Hey," Sirius turned to see Lily stood next to him. Face tear stained and with tired eyes but looking relieved. "Do you want to go in?" She asked, gesturing to the ward James had been put on while he was recovering. He'd woken up about a fifteen minutes ago and Lily had rushed to his side automatically. Sirius had thought it best to give them some time alone together and had opted for waiting in the corridor. 

"Are you sure?" 

"Course. You might as well go in now before Effie and Monty get here or you won't get a word in edge-ways," Lily laughed. She wasn't wrong, Effie was extremely protective over all of those she cared for and James was definitely no exception. 

"Okay," Sirius said a she began to move, only stopping when he realised that Lily was moving too. 

"I'll wait out here," 

"You don't have to -" 

"I _know_ I don't have to, Sirius, but I thought it might be nice for you to have a moment alone with him," Lily smiled. Sirius opened his mouth to protest. "I'm not going to argue with you, Pads. Go in, he's your brother after all," Lily said practically pushing him towards the doors that led him into the ward. 

"Okay, yeah," He nodded and with that, he opened the door and walked in. 

The ward was relatively small and only two of the beds were occupied, one by an older man who looked pale and on the verge of death and then James who, despite everything, looked bright and hopeful. 

"Padfoot!" James shouted earning himself a glare from a rather scary looking nurse. "Sorry," He whispered sheepishly. 

"Hey, Prongs," Sirius smiled and he couldn't help but feel overwhelmed with relief. James was alive. They'd all made it out of that mission alive. 

_Thank Merlin._

"You look like shite, mate," James said with a grin but Sirius knew that there was an underlying question: _How've you been holding up?._ Sirius was more than well aware, he looked like a living nightmare. He hadn't slept in days and when he had he'd been woken up by Lily crying in her sleep. (He'd asked her to come and stay with him just until James was out of Hospital) 

"Yeah, well, you don't look much better yourself," Sirius joked back weakly.

James still looked peaky and he had a few cuts and bruises over his face but at least he didn't look as in pain as he did when - _Don't think about it, Sirius._

"How - um - how are you feeling?" 

"Sore, achey, better than I did," James shrugged before taking his glasses off and rubbing a hand over his eyes. As soon as he had out them back on, Sirius knew what was going to come next. James always did that when he had something difficult to say. "I - um - Pads, I -" 

"Look, don't say it. I know what you're mean," And it was true, Sirius didn't need James to finish that sentence. He knew what he was trying to say, it was practically written all over his face: _I understand on some level what you went through back at Grimmauld Place._

"Yeah, I know," James said, grabbing Sirius' hand and tugging him towards the plastic chair next to the bed. "Thanks for looking after Lils for me,"

"Don't worry about it. I'll always look out for her, promise," Sirius said, jaw set.

He would always protect Lily, no matter what. No matter whether things between her and James didn't work out (though Sirius was sure that would never happen), no matter what happened to James. Sirius would always look out for Lily because she was as much his family as James was. 

"And, thanks for, well, y'know. You didn't have to do what you did,"

"Are you mad?" James spluttered, looking at Sirius incredulously. "Course I did, Sirius, you fucking dolt. You're my brother and I promised myself that I'd never let anyone ever fucking harm you again," James had made that exact promise the night Sirius ran away. He'd told him that they'd take him and that family would never be allowed to hurt him again. 

"Yeah, but..."

"There's no 'but' about it, Pads," James interrupted. "I did what I felt like I had to do to protect you and I don't regret a damn bit of it," 

"Thank you," Sirius whispered, and he could feel the lump rising in his throat. "Just know I'd do the same for you," 

"I know you would," James smiled, squeezing Sirius' hand reassuringly. "How are the others? Did we get Coleridge? I um... don't really remember much," James said, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. 

"Um, well... Mary was quite badly injured too,she had a massive gash on her forehead and before Peter found her and I stitched her up, I think she had lost quite a but of blood," James looked stricken at that and Sirius immediately felt bad for worrying him. "Don't panic, she's fine now, thank Merlin, but she can't do a lot at the moment just incase," Sirius had been there when the nurses had told Mary that she shouldn't apparate or floo anywhere for the next few weeks because she was more likely to splinch herself. 

"We did get Coleridge but Moody says he's not talking at the moment," 

"Well, at least we got him, huh?" Sirius just nodded. 

"Oh, Pads, come 'ere," James said holding his arms out towards Sirius who immediately lent in and allowed himself to be held by James. "Oh, Sirius," James huffed and that was when he realised that he was making the front of James' hospital gown wet with tears and snot. 

"I'm just - fuck -" Sirius cut himself off with a sob. "Don't do anything as stupid as that again. I can't lose you, Lils can't lose you," He mumbled into James' front. 

"And I can't lose you either," James said with such finality and certainty that Sirius felt his heart swell and break all simultaneously. 

*****

** Friday, 3rd August, 1979 **

"Potter," Madeye said as soon as they'd all entered the kitchen of that month's order meeting location per his request. "I haven't had a chance to tell you this yet but it's good to see you up and about," He said with a genuine smile and clapping James on the back. 

"Cheers, Moody," 

"Now, I don't often say this but I'm rather bloody proud of what you lot did. It took balls to fight them off and you were significantly out numbered. I'm proud of each and everyone of you and well, you're possibly the finest soldiers I've ever seen," He smiled nodding to each of them appreciatively in turn. 

"Now, as you should all know, we've got Coleridge in custody at the Ministry where me and Shacklebolt have been interrogating him. Unfortunately for us, he's not saying a bloody thing. When Macdonald is up and at it again we're going to try and bring her in to see if she can get anything out of him. I'll admit he seems to be terrified of her," Madeye chuckled. He wasn't lying though, Mary could be rather terrifying if the situation called for it. 

"Right," Madeye declared. "That's all I wanted you for. So, thank you and don't worry, I've got plenty of missions for you all," 

That very statement was the thing that made him worry the most. 

*****

_Dear Sirius,_

_Hello, love. I hope you're okay. Sorry I haven't written to you sooner, I've had a rather woozy head for the past couple of days and couldn't get out of bed._

_Did you go and see James? How is he? How's Lily been holding up? How was the meeting?_

_Actually, don't tell me. Are you willing to pop round soon? Just for a catch up, I'd come to yours but I've been told not to apparate or use the floo network for a little while._

_Love,_

_Mary_

*****

** Saturday, 11th August, 1979 **

Sirius was stood outside a rather small looking terrace house on the outskirts of Bethnal Green. He knew Mary's address, he had to to be able to owl her, but he'd never visited her before, and surely this couldn't be it. Her house was on the end of the street and it looked rather rundown and on top of it the neighbours were swearing at each other. 

He wasn't sure he had the right address. Surely not. Taking a breath, Sirius finally knocked on the door and he could hear the sound of footsteps before the door was swung wide open and a little girl with pigtails was stood in the doorway. 

"Hello," She said, cocking her head to the side as if she was trying to figure out who he was and what he wanted. 

"Dee!" He heard a women shout from somewhere within the house. "Didn't I tell you not to open that door? If someone's knocking, you tell me," The woman scolded lightly as she came into the hallway. She wasn't very old, at most thirty, and she was cradling a newborn in her arms. "What do you want?" She snapped. 

"I - uh -" Sirius spluttered, taken aback by her cold tone. "Does Mary Macdonald live here?" 

"Yeah, and you are?" 

"Sirius. I'm a friend of hers," He explained and with that the woman smiled, she must've known he was coming. 

"Dee, go let your Auntie know her friend's here," She said to the girl who immediately went running off in search of Mary. "I'm Connie," She said with a smile, finally stepping aside to let Sirius in. So, this was Mary's sister. 

"Nice to meet you, I've heard a lot about you," He said closing the front door behind him. 

"I've heard a lot about you too," 

"Right.." 

"Connie!" Sirius heard Mary shout from upstairs. "Can you come up here, please? And bring some towels!" 

"Shit," Connie huffed before turning to Sirius with a slightly apologetic look on her face. "I s'pose she's told you about Mum?" Sirius just nodded. "I should go and help Mary clean her up. Here, hold him for me, would you?" She asked, placing the little baby in his arms.

"That there's Archie," She said with a smile before placing a hand on Sirius' shoulder and directing him into the kitchen. "Just go and sit down in here, either me or Mary'll be back in a minute," She said before popping her head out of the kitchen and shouting, "Coming!" 

Sirius sat down at the kitchen table, cradling Archie in his arms as gently as possible. He was a cute little thing with a tuft of blonde hair and his eyes were a bright blue.

About fifteen minutes later, there was a pounding of footsteps and Mary came rushing into the kitchen looking flustered and upset. "Sorry, sorry, didn't mean to keep you waiting. Mum's just taken a bit of a turn," She huffed as she sat down, putting her hands. 

"Hey," Sirius said, shifting Archie so he could place a hand on her shoulder. "Do you need me to go?" 

Mary shook her head before moving her hands away from her face. "No, she'll be fine. It's not anything new. Just the last two weeks have been -" 

"A bloody shit fest?" He offered. 

"Yeah," Mary chuckled. "Do you want me to take Archie off you?" 

"Nah, you're alright for a bit," Sirius smiled before looking fondly down at Archie, the familiar pang of jealousy in his chest. He wished he could be a dad someday, but he knew it would never happen. "He's a right little sweetheart this one," 

"Both of them are, I s'pose. Dee's just a little bit more brazen. It's the Macdonald in her," Mary laughed. 

"It's not a bad trait," Sirius smiled before looking back up at Mary. "How have you been?" He asked but he knew the question was stupid. He could tell just by looking at Mary that she was tired and pale and possibly hadn't eaten in days. 

"Oh, y'know, not good," She said with a flippant wave of her hand. "Just the - God, Sirius - I can't get it out of my head. That night just keeps repeating itself and -" 

"It's alright," He said, squeezing her hand. "I get that too," 

"Anyway, how's James?" Mary said, clearly diverting the conversation but if that's what she needed to be able to cope right now, Sirius wasn't going to judge. 

"Yeah, he's better, still a bit shaky but that's just a side effect of the curse, by my experience he'll be alright in another day or two," Mary frowned at that remark. Sirius wasn't entirely sure how much Mary knew about his childhood. He had told her about Regulus and that his entire family had a connection to Voldemort and that he'd ran away when he was sixteen but he hadn't delved into it with her. 

"At least he's on the mend," Mary smiled and Sirius was grateful that she didn't push it any further. Connie walked in the room then, a sopping towel in one hand and a plastic basin in the other. 

"Mum's gone back to sleep. I'm gonna sit up there with her for a bit so she doesn't choke," She said quietly as she made her way over to the sink to ring the towel and empty the contents of the bucket. Sirius, didn't even want to know what was in there. "D'you mind keeping Archie in here with you? I don't want him waking up, Mum, if he starts crying again," 

Mary nodded. "Yeah, we'll keep an eye on him," 

"So, Sirius," Connie said putting the basin down in the sink with a grin. "Did you and Mary meet at that school of hers?" 

"Yeah, we were in the same year and the same house," 

"You'll look after her for me, won't you? Mary's told me all about this war; says she can't stand aside and let you lot fight without her; says it wouldn't be right and I agree. However, I would like my little sister around for a little while longer," 

"I'll do my best," He smiled, but in all honesty Sirius wasn't sure he'd be able to like he hadn't be able to protect James or Regulus or Remus. 

"Cheers, pet," She smiled at him before picking the basin back up. "He's a keeper, Mary," She said with a wink causing Mary to glare at her. "I'm just teasing," 

"Yeah, very funny," Mary deadpanned, sticking her tongue out at her sister as she walked out the room. 

"I like her," 

"I thought you would," Mary smiled. "She's been a godsend these past couple of days," 

Sirius just smiled at her in response. 

"Oh!" Mary exclaimed a bit too loudly causing Sirius to jump. "Madeye came and visited me the other day," 

"What did he want this time?" Sirius huffed as he shifted Archie in his arms. 

"Basically just came to fill me in on the meeting. Told me I'd done a good job; that Coleridge wasn't answering to anyone. He wants me to come and interrogate him, scare tactics and such," Mary grinned. 

"That's not all though," Sirius raised his eyebrows at that. "Kingsley and Madeye want me on their team of Aurors," 

"Merlin," Sirius breathed out, he wasn't sure if he was proud or terrified for her. 

"I know," 

"Are you going to take it?" 

"I dunno," She shrugged. "I think I should, I'll be bringing in a wizarding income and I can change half of it over to Muggle money so I'm helping Connie and Mum pay the rent and that but it is dangerous," 

Sirius nodded. 

"But I've been told there's no rush and that I won't even have to do the Training course, dunno how Madeye managed that one," 

"Well, that's because you've technically already done one," Sirius said, he hadn't intended for it to sound so bitter. 

"Fair point," 

"God, Mary," Sirius paused. "Auror," He said in awe. 

"I know," She smiled. "I wasn't banking on ever really being able to work, y'know. My grades were shit, the only ones I did alright in was Charms and Defence but they're not enough to go on and go get a job and - because I haven't taken my O-levels at all," She paused when she noticed Sirius scrunch his nose up in confusion. 

"They're the muggle version of O.W.Ls," She explained. 

"Ah," 

"Well, because I haven't taken my O-levels I don't think anywhere Muggle will employ me," She shrugged. "But, if I'm honest, I was in my element when working with Madeye, you lot and Kingsley on that mission," 

Sirius had to agree with Mary. She had practically led the mission all the way through with the odd direction from Madeye and she'd done most of the dirty work: snooping through Coleridge's things and going through files and paperwork to garner enough evidence to prove that he was doing something illegal and on top of that she fought fiercely when the attack happened. In short, Mary was a born warrior. 

"If it's something you really want to do, I think you should do it," He said giving her hand a squeeze. He didn't say that he was worries that she would endanger herself even more, he didn't say that he didn't want to lose her. Instead, he bit his tongue and gave her the brightest smile he could muster before turning his attention back to baby Archie. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Regulur posting schedule? What's that?  
> Seriously though, thank you for all the loveky comments because they genuinely help motivate me to write.   
> \----  
> Also is it obvious that I've listened to the same two songs while writing this chapter (Twin Size Matress by TFB and Disorder by Joy Division)?


	7. 7: September, 1979

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WEREWOLF CRISIS: STATUTE OF SECRECY BROKEN? 

**Wednesday, 5th September, 1979**

_WEREWOLF CRISIS: STATUTE OF SECRECY BROKEN?_

_In the early hours of this morning, 5th September, 1979, Aurors made their way to the Lake District where there had been an alleged werewolf attack. Only one muggle was hurt, but reports from the other two eye witnesses say that the pack had turned on each other._

_Aurors are certain that Fenrir Greyback was behind the attack but they do not know why half his pack turned on him._

_The muggle eyewitnesses have been obliviated but is it only a matter of time before the Statute of Secrecy is broken?_

*****

"I can't bloody believe it..." James said, genuinely looking shocked as he put the newspaper down on the coffee table in his living room. Sirius had rushed over to his and Lily's flat as soon as he'd seen the front page article of that day's issue of the Daily Prophet. "They're going against him?" He said again in disbelief. 

"I s'pose it was only a matter of time," Sirius shrugged from where he was sat leant forward on the sofa. 

"Remus had always said that when the werewolves in Greyback's pack received a better offer of freedom they'd leave," Lily said leaning forward to place her mug of tea on the coffee table. 

"Yeah, but what were they offered?" James asked furrowing his brow. Did the Ministry tell them to do it or -" 

"I highly fucking doubt they'd do anything the Ministry says," Sirius interrupted and James nodded. All three of them knew that anyone who was a werewolf or was relatively close with one, hated the way the Ministry dealt with werewolves and their transformations. It would be highly unlikely that they'd do anything for the Ministry, well not willingly anyway. 

"I'll see if I can ring Mary," Lily said, standing up. "See if she knows anything," 

"Alright," James nodded and the pair watched as Lily walked out to the kitchen where the telephone was located. Sirius remembered when the two had moved in together, Lily had demanded that they put a telephone line in so she could get in touch with her muggle relatives if she ever needed to. That idea seemed to be useful now. 

They heard the familiar click of Lily spinning the wheel to dial Mary's number. After a moment, they heard Lily speak into the phone. "Connie?... Hi, it's Lily... Mary's friend... Is she there?... Right, thanks... Mary, hi," There was a long pause and Sirius assumed Mary was saying something at the other end of the line. "Yeah, we did... Sirius came round and showed us... I rang to ask... Yeah, exactly why... Alright, see you in a bit then," And with a click, Lily put the phone down. 

"She's coming over now!" She called out. 

*****

Mary had now arrived, looking exhausted and tired like she always did since she had become an Auror. Lily had told them that Mary had just arrived home from an emergency shift at the Ministry when Lily had rang. 

"I'm gonna be honest, I don't know a lot. I'm not the main Auror signed on the case but well, there's a few...," Mary waved her hands as she tried to find the right word. "Speculations!" She called out triumphantly. 

"There's a few speculations going round the office," She continued. "One of them is that someone's got a man on the inside that instigated the attack which, let's be real here, is highly unlikely. No werewolf's going to put themselves in danger like that for the sake of the bloody Ministry, well, at least not willingly," Mary said. 

"Pads was going on about that," James stated, furrowing his brow in thought. 

"And I think you're right, Sirius," She said to him. "The whole rules and laws regarding werewolves are fucking prejudiced and harming them more than they should be protecting them which means -" Mary ranted, pausing only to catch her breath. 

"Which means no werewolf would want to do anything for the Ministry," Lily said finishing Mary's train of thought for her. 

"Exactly," Mary said pointing at Lily. "Unless..." 

"Unless?" James echoed, pushing his glasses up his nose. 

" _Unless_ , the Ministry blackmailed them into it. Told them they'll find them work or something in exchange for infiltrating the pack," 

"I wouldn't put it past them," Sirius scoffed and it was true, the Ministry was incredibly corrupted, had been since the dawn of time. 

"Neither would I," Mary sighed before continuing on. "The second theory is - and the most likely, in my opinion - is that the pack have had enough. Maybe this was their way of telling Greyback that they're not gonna support him anymore; that he's pushed them too far," 

"What makes you think that's the most likely?" Lily asked, it was a fair question. 

"Well," She began. "The photos taken at the scene of the incident are a big indicator. They were _fucking grim,_ there was blood everywhere. Greyback wasn't anywhere to be found but his second in command, Aldrich, was. He was practically ripped to shreds and - I think - Greyback would have been just as bad. It seems like they were declaring war on him, giving him some kind of warning," She paused. "But for what we don't know," 

"Have you got Aldrich then?" James asked. 

"Yeah, the aurors sent out arrested him. He was practically immobile when they found him though and - I'm afraid to say - we might never find out what really happened this morning, he'll probably pass away before I can interrogate him," 

"Hmm," Lily hummed, a frown on her face. "Is this even under your jurisdiction?" She asked. 

"Yes _and_ no," Mary shrugged. "We're working with the Magical Creatures department to see if we can track the half of the pack that attacked Fenrir and Madeye's tryna get the international relations office to give us the details of werewolf regulations in other countries. Not only will it be better for them but it stops Greyback garnering followers,"

"Well, its time for a change," Sirius huffed and the others nodded in agreement. 

"I agree," Mary smiled as she looked down at her thin leather strap watch. "Shit, I've got to go. I did say I couldn't stay long," Lily nodded at her. "It's Dee's first day at school today and someone's got to be at home to look after Mum while Connie's gone," She explained standing up. Sirius saw James' eyes sadden and he realised that Mary - even though they hadn't been close during Hogwarts - was an honourary marauder meaning James would do anything for her. Sirius felt the same way. 

"Alright, stay safe now," Lily said standing up and hugging Mary. 

"Course I will," She whispered, hugging her back. 

"We'll see you tomorrow, yeah?" Sirius huffed standing up and engulfing Mary in a hug that he was sure was so tight that Mary wouldn't be able to breathe. She didn't say anything though. 

"Yeah, I'll be there," She said pulling her wand out of the sleeve of her turtleneck. 

"Keep us updated if you hear anything else," James shrugged seeming like he didn't care that Mary was leaving but Sirius knew him too well. James was trying not to get upset, Sirius knew that he hated Mary's situation with her mum and that James wasn't good at articulating his feelings. Really, what James was trying to say was _Stay safe, we can't lose you._

"Don't worry, James. I'll be alright," She smiled and Sirius blinked for a moment. Every so often, he was convinced Mary was a legillimens. James smiled back at her. "Right, I've seriously got to go," And with one final smile and a wave of her wand she was gone. 

*****

** Friday, 7th September, 1979 **

"Evening ladies and gentlemen, thank you all for coming. As many of you probably know, half of Fenrir Greyback's pack turned on him last full moon. Aurors have caught his second in command and are now waiting for him to recover so they can interrogate him. For now, Greyback's numbers have dwindled greatly and this will lead to him being punished," Dumbledore announced to the room, reiterating what everyone already knew. Sirius thought it was sort of pointless.

Beside him, Mary huffed and he turned to face her. Her eyebrows were furrowed and her mouth twisted in contemplation. "What's wrong?" He whispered into her ear, having to bend down ever so slightly to do so. 

"How do they know that though?" She huffed quietly and when she caught Sirius' confused expression she explained, "How do they know for sure that just because the numbers have dwindled Greyback'll be punished?" 

"I don't know if they know that for certain but he's punished people before when things haven't gone his way," Sirius said and then immediately biting his tongue so he wouldn't say the one thing that would earn him pitiful looks from his friends: _Like he d_ _id to Reg._ "But that's what Voldemort recruited Greyback for: to get him followers," 

"He was the... he was the one who bit Remus and -" James said in a low voice from behind them, shuffling awkwardly. He was still getting used to the idea of being able to talk about Remus' _furry little problem_ in front of Mary. 

"When we hit Sixth Year, Greyback tried to recruit him. Wanted to make him apart of his pack," Peter interrupted James quietly from where he was stood next to Mary. 

"Obviously, Remus had told him to shove it. But that's not the point. The point is Greyback bites people to recruit them when they _come of age._ Calls them _his children,"_ Sirius grimaced. 

"It's practically a fucking cult," James hissed and Sirius could see out of the corner of his eye that James was getting riled up like he always did when they mentioned Greyback. His fists were clenched and his jaw was set and his brows were furrowed. 

" _Godric_ , that's disgusting," Mary whispered, and Sirius thought she looked like she was about to retch everywhere, she had gone a sickly white.

"Isn't it?" James agreed and in doing so finished the conversation and all four of them turned their attention back to Dumbledore. 

"We have people who are looking into the packs whereabouts along with where Greyback might be as of right now. Hopefully, we'll be able to get more information out of Aldrich soon," Dumbledore paused then before continuing. "However, I do have some good news. We received a tip off in April that Wallace Coleridge, the Minister of Magic's secretary was smuggling important files to the Death Eaters. Thanks to Miss MacDonald and Mr Shackle bolt, we have managed to collect evidence and prove that Coleridge was indeed smuggling confidential files out. The Wizengamot has finally found him guilty and he has been sent to a lifetime in Azkaban for breach of confidentiality and treason,"

Sirius turned to her then. She hadn't told him that Coleridge had been sent to Azkaban. In all fairness, she probably couldn't until he'd been taken there and all the paperwork was done and the trial was declared closed otherwise she'd be breaching confidentiality herself. Sirius smiled at her and he grabbed her hand and squeezed it as if to say _I'm proud of you_ and he was, he had never thought that Mary could do all the things she had and Sirius hoped she would carry on breaking everybody's expectations of her up until her last breath. 

*****

**Wednesday, 28th September, 1979**

"Happy birthday, Mckitten!" James and Sirius cheered in unison as they entered Dorcas and Marlene's living room with Lily following behind them

Sirius scanned the room to see all his friends accounted for. Dorcas was making her way to sit back down on the sofa next to her girlfriend after just letting them in; Mary was sat on the lemon yellow armchair, legs crossed and drink in hand with a wide grin on his face; Peter was sprawled across the floor in the middle of the room looking equally as happy and Lily was laughing at him and James fondly as she came and sat down in the last available seat on the sofa. 

"You two dickheads are never going to let me live that down are you?" She laughed but even so Sirius knew she was flushing slightly at the embarrassment. 

"Never!" James grinned back at her. 

"You know, we've never found out why you call her that," Dorcas said with a smirk as she played with Marlene's thick curls. 

Marlene shot a glare at Dorcas before directing it at James and Sirius. "Don't tell them. I'm begging you," She said but even so she was laughing and Sirius knew that if they told the story Marlene wouldn't actually be that mad. 

"Well...." Sirius began, drawing the word out and earning himself a laugh from the others. 

"Marlene was practicing a spell for transfiguration - I think it was. Anyway, doesn't matter. It was in Second Year and Marls was practicing a spell," James continued before bursting into laughter and practically doubling over. "And she... Merlin... you finish it, Pads," He wheezed between laughs. 

"Said spell went terribly wrong. It backfired on her and she..." Sirius stopped to regain his breath. 

"Turned herself into a cat and, that's not all, she tried to talk to us but all that was coning out was meowing," James finished the story but it was barely coherent because of his laughter. 

"Yeah, and you two bloody pricks just left me in the common room for fifteen minutes knowing what I'd done," Marlene scolded but Sirius could tell by the sparkle in her eye that she didn't really mind. 

"James Fleamont Potter!" Lily scolded, leaning over from where she was sat on the sofa to slap him playfully on the arm. 

"In all fairness to James though, he did come back once he'd stopped laughing at me. Took me down to Pomfrey and everything," 

"You know me, Marls, a true gentlemen," James said giving her a shit-eating grin as he came and sat on the arm of the sofa next to Lily. 

"A true wanker more like," Marlene snorted, under her breath causing the group to burst into laughter once again. 

"Heard that," 

And as Sirius sat himself on the floor in front of the armchair Mary was sitting on, he glanced at the people in the room, his friends; his _family_ and he was glad that they were still here, that the war hadn't taken them too. It was then, for the first time ever; that Sirius prayed to a God he wasn't entirely sure existed and begged Him to let his friends live long and happy lives.To make sure they all got out of this war alive. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I write this at 3:45 am last night? Yes  
> Do I have any regrets? No.  
> Again, regular posting schedule who? (As a lovely person said regular posting schedules are for the weak and I agree)  
> I am posting these as soon as I've finished editing and writing the chapters so that's why postings been irregular.  
> \--  
> Thank you for all the lovely comments, I never thought people would read this so it's very nice. Also this chapter might feel a bit... Short? Flat? But that's cause it's a bit of a filler because shit goes down in the next chapter as far as I've planned lol  
> \----  
> Also happy pride month all!!! Xx 🏳️🌈


	8. 8: October, 1979

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Letting you go and moving on was the hardest fucking thing I had to do,"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: Minor character death, blood  
> Be kind to yourselves
> 
> I highly recommend you listen to I Still Do by I Am Kloot when reading this chapter (here's the link):  
> https://open.spotify.com/track/73JamDkOHPnJ7UJMKlYkTo?si=WdjybIk0SYONj_lGHFw00w

** Tuesday, 30th October, 1979 **

It was ten pm and Sirius already wanted today to be over. He'd woken up feeling groggy and miserable for no particular reason. He was currently sat in his living room flipping through the photo album that had been gifted to Remus on his last birthday.

"Sirius!" A rough voice grunted out, interrupting Sirius' wallowing and he shot off the sofa and scrambled towards the fireplace to be greeted by Madeye's face. 

"Alright, Moody?" 

"Not at fucking all," The older man huffed, his voice sounding tired and thin. He really wasn't okay. "I need you to head to forty-four Akrin Road in Manchester as soon as possible," 

"Why? What's happened?" 

"We think they've killed Craig Thomas," 

_Shit._

*****

Sirius apparated to the scene of the incident as fast as he could and on arrival he was greeted by Mary and Madeye who both looked absolutely shattered and devastated. 

"What's happened?" Sirius asked. 

"We don't know exactly. Fenwick went to go and visit Craig to congratulate him on his engagement and having a baby but when he got here the place was up in smoke," Madeye explained, his voice thin. 

"Shit," Sirius huffed, dragging a hand down his face. "Do we know how many casualties?" 

"Benji reckons it's just Craig. He's certain Craig's fiancee is staying with her family," Mary cut in.

"Fuck. What's the plan, Moody?" 

"We go in, check that it's all clear - no Death Eaters or any live casualties..." Madeye paused then, but the silence finished his sentence for him: _Though I highly doubt there'd be any._ "Then we survey the scene," 

"We've got Lily here as well. We asked Marlene if she could come incase there were any casualties but she couldn't leave her shift there's been an attack somewhere else too and the victim somehow made it out alive. Lily's come to give Benji a pepper up potion and between you and her, if there's any live casualties we can heal them until we get them to St. Mun go's," Mary said tilting her head in the opposite direction of the house. Sirius turned and, sure enough, he saw Lily crouched over a portable cauldron and stirring her potion with a determined urgency; Benji was sat next to her, trembling like mad. 

_Poor bloke._

"Alright, we ready to go in?" Madeye asked and the other two nodded in unison but Sirius knew they weren't ready in the slightest. None of them were. Madeye began to shuffle his way yo the front door of forty-four Akrin road. Sirius could feel the Dark Magic. It was stifling. 

Roughly, Madeye kicked the front door opem and - wand drawn - walked down the small hallway of the house; flanked by Sirius and Mary. Sirius followed the left wall and soon found the entrance to the kitchen; he jumped out, wand brandished and declared that no one was there. "All clear!" 

The three of them carried on like that until they had made their way upstairs and when Madeye went to check if the first bedroom was clear, Sirius heard Madeye break. 

"Fucking hell," The older man choked out as Mary checked the other bedroom. 

"Clear!" She called out.

"Mary, come here," Madeye said solemnly. Sirius realised that this was the first time he'd heard Madeye use her first name. 

Warily, Mary moved back across the landing so she was stood next to Sirius once again. She turned her so she was facing Sirius, a frown on her face and grabbed Sirius' hand tightly as they followed Madeye into the bedroom. 

It was dark in the room and the dark mark had been burnt into the wall and all the furniture had been upturned and singed, except a single blood splattered arm chair where Craig Thomas sat slumped with an oozing gash on his forehead and completely pale. His eyes were wide open and he looked like he'd been dead for a while. Sirius felt sick to his core. 

_Is this how Regulus went?_

He watched as Mary let go of his hand, pushed past Madeye gently and moved over to Craig and gently closed his eyelids. 

It was too much. 

"I can't - I have to - Fuck -" Sirius spluttered before pounding down the stairs and flinging open the front door. As soon as he was outside, he had begun retching and his breathing had shallowed. 

"Sirius?" He heard someone shout from far away and then in a blink of an eye, Lily was next to him sat down in front of him on the front steps with Benji hovering not too far away. Sirius assumed he didn't want to be alone right now. Sirius couldn't blame him. 

"Lils," He breathed out. "Godric, Li ls - fuck - I - it's," 

"Breathe, Sirius," 

"Everything's been burnt, they've fucking singed the dark mark onto the wall - everything's been burnt - he's sat in an arm chair and - god- he obviously put up a fight - And the stench, shit, it reeks of dark fucking magic," He blustered, between heavy breaths. 

"Hey, hey, breathe," She said and then begun breathing along with Sirius. At that point, Madeye and Mary had walked out of the building, looking pale and sick themselves. 

"There's nothing more we can do until back up arrives," Madeye huffed. Sirius wasn't really sure who he was talking to. "Mary, why don't you take Fenwick to St. Mungo's? Just to check that he's okay," Mary nodded and after, placing a comforting hand on Sirius' shoulder and a kiss to his forehead she carefully made her way over to Benji. 

"Sirius, go home. I shouldn't have brought you out tonight. Mary had a right go at me for that, said it would remind you of -" He cut himself off. "I should've known that it wasn't a good idea. I'm sorry," 

Sirius blinked. He never thought he'd see the day where Madeye would apologise. 

"Go on, go hime. Evans you go too," 

"Okay," She said and the pair watched Madeye walk down to the end of the drive presumably to wait for back up. 

"Come and stay with us tonight," Lily said as she stood up. 

"No," Sirius mumbled with a shake of his head but when he caught Lily's glare he sighed. "Fine,"

He wasn't able to argue. Not tonight. 

*****

Now, Sirius was sat next to James on the sofa, both sitting in absolute silence. Sirius wasn't sure he could mutter a word at the moment and James knew that talking wasn't what Sirius needed right now. 

Lily had made tea and Sirius watched her as she brought the mugs out with shaky hands. She never made tea, the wizarding way. None of them did, Sirius thought. That was Remus and Lily's doing. He used to say that the muggle way was the best way of making tea and Lily had agreed and him and they weren't wrong. 

When Lily shot him a small, sad smile, Sirius averted his gaze to stare at the clock hanging on the wall. It read two am. 

_When the fuck did that happen?_

He let out a breath as he let his eyes trail down the wall. There were pictures stuck up all over it, all taken from their time at Hogwarts. There was a picture of James, Sirius and Marlene and the rest of the Gryffindor Quidditch team at their last ever match and one from their first ever match; one of all the marauders and Lily at the Potter Manor during the summer of sixth year after she and James had first got together. It was covered in happy memories and Sirius wished he could go back, to when he wasn't so deep in a pit of despair and surrounded by war. 

He sat like that for a while, lost in his thoughts until a sharp knock on the front door snapped him out of it. Sirius turned his head and shot a look at James as if to say _were you expecting someone?_ to which James replied with a shrug. 

Lily pulled out her wand from the pocket of her flares and stood up to make her way over to the floor. 

Sirius had to give it to he she was braver than both him and James put together; she had been even before the war had started. 

In sync, James and Sirius stood up, wands drawn and went to stand slightly behind Lily. _It's strange,_ Sirius thought momentarily, _that this has become out norm; that everyone's suspicious of everyone else. I suppose that's what war does to people._

Hesitantly, Lily opened the door a crack, letting out a gasp as she did so. Reflexively, Sirius tightened his grip on his wand and he knew James had done the same. 

"Alright, Lils?" The visitor said. _A man said._ The voice was somewhat familiar to Sirius. It was deep and slightly gravelly and the man sounded tired and there was a slight lilt to his voice. Sirius reckoned he was Welsh. 

Sirius watched as Lily lifted up her wand and, he assumed, that she was holding it up to his neck. "Mother's middle name?" She muttered, almost breathlessly. 

"Siani," 

And that was when Lily broke, she flung herself forward, presumably into the arms of the stranger and in doing so the door swung open slightly. There stood in the hallway of Lily and James' tower block was the last person Sirius had expected to see. 

Remus fucking Lupin _._

_It can't be._

"Come in, Re, come in," Lily said as she pulled away from the hug, her face tear stained and blotchy. 

_This is a fucking dream it has to be._

It wasn't. 

Remus stepped into the flat and Sirius could now see him in all his glory now. It was so obviously him but also not. He no longer looked like the Remus Lupin they had all known some months ago. 

For a start, he was pale and thin and his face was littered in new scars and bruises. His tawny curls, that Sirius had been obsessed with for all those years, were now gone, replaced by a buzz cut. Although he looked more thuggish, he was still dressed in traditional Remus attire: a white button up, red knit jumper and jeans topped off with his battered white trainers. 

"Hiya, Pads," Remus grunted, looking cut off and disinterested and all of a sudden Sirius felt the anger he'd pushed away build up. He had finally come to terms with Remus never coming back, with him being dead, with Sirius never being able to act on his feeling. And now he was back. Sirius wanted to scream but instead he pulled back his fist and landed it on Remus' jaw. _Hard._

"Jesus fuck," Remus spat. _Good to see he still has his potty mouth,_ Sirius thought as he watched Remus stumble back slightly from impact. "I deserve that, I s'pose," He shrugged, rubbing his jaw. Sirius was sure it would leave a bruise. 

Sirius didn't dignify the last statement with a response but instead sent Remus a withering look. Remus shot one back, only momentarily, before turning to James. 

"Prongs?" 

At that, James hurled himself forward wrapping his arms around Remus' shoulders and - Godric, was he crying? The last time Sirius had seen James cry was when Remus had first gone missing. 

Immediately, Sirius regretted his decision. In the moment, the only feasible thing for him to have done was to punch him but now he was certain he had acted wrong. That he should have hugged Remus instead of assaulting him. 

"Don't," Lily whispered, gently pulling the hand that Sirius had subconsciously snaked into his hair away. He did that when he was stressed: pulled his hair until it came away in small clumps but he had tried to stop that. He hadn't done it since he'd ran away." You have every right to feel how you do; I'm not saying you should have punched him but I get why you did and I'm not going to hold that over you, Sirius," 

Dumbly, Sirius just nodded, not quite sure what to say instead opting to follow James who was dragging Remus into the living room.

"Where have you been?" Sirius asked as he made his way to stand by the armchair situated in the far corner of the living room, putting as much distance between him and Remus as possible. He was startled by how cold and distant his voice sounded; his posh accent making them sound harsh. _Christ alive,_ he sounded just like his father. _Fuck_. 

"I think you know," Remus shrugged, staring curiously at Sirius. 

"You were with Greyback weren't you?" James asked quietly from where he was stood by the window, opposite where Remus sat. Sirius was taken aback by how distraught James looked, his glasses were askew, his face tear stained and he was running a hand through his hair.

Remus nodded. "I was on a mission for the order," 

Sirius felt the anger swell in him once again and before he could stop himself, he violently kicked the armchair causing the others to jump at the loud noise. "That lying, fucking scumbag!" He roared causing James to put a hand on his shoulder which he just shrugged off with a "Get the fuck off me, Prongs,"

"You were the one who instigated the attack in Greyback last month, weren't you?" Lily asked quietly from where she was sat next to Remus.

"Yeah, that was the plan. Join the pack, make him trust me, rally as much of the pack as I could to revolt against him. Sadly, we didn't do as well as a job as we should've done - fucking bastard's still out there,"

"Yes but they've gotten -"

"Aldrich. _Yes, I know_ but that doesn't mean that I didn't let Greyback go, does it? God knows what he's doing at the moment, probably -" Remus blanched. "Some of the things he did..." He whispered.

"Why did you do it?" James asked with a frown. 

"Because somebody had to. We're in the middle of a war, Prongs. We all have to make our sacrifices, this was mine. You wouldn't understand,"

"Oh, wouldn't he?" Sirius snarled. "You've been gone seven fucking moths, you don't know the first fucking thing about us anymore. So how would you know what we would or wouldn't understand? James almost fucking died!" Sirius said with a sob. _Shit, where had that come from?_ "James almost fucking died trying to save me so don't you bloody dare say that he wouldn't understand what a fucking sacrifice is!" 

Remus looked startled at that, flicking his eyes between James and Sirius before finally landing on James. "You - fuck - you almost died?" 

"Cruciatius curse," James shrugged as if it wasn't that big of a deal but Sirius knew that James had been thrashing in his sleep similarly to how he did when he was hit. "Dunno if you know about the attack on the National Gallery that happened three months ago," 

"I knew about that, I've been catching up on everything that happened while I was in the safe house," Remus nodded. "I'm sorry, Prongs. I'm glad you made it out alive," 

"I wouldn't have been if Pads hadn't of been there," James said sending a soft look Sirius' way. 

"You always were good at healing," Remus said softly and he was looking at Sirius fondly. Sirius couldn't handle it. 

"I'm going outside for a smoke," He huffed as he stormed over to the door, grabbed his leather jacket from off the back of one of the dining chair's.

He slammed the door of the flat behind him and raced down the stairs; two at a time until he was on the ground floor. He pushed the front doors open and then slumped against the brick wall. 

He pulled the cigarette packet out of his jacket and took one out, lighting it with a clumsy snap of his fingers and a slight disgruntled mumble. He only managed two drags when the door of the building slammed open and out stepped Remus who immediately turned and looked at him. 

"Piss off," Sirius snarled. 

"No," Remus said firmly. "I know you don't want to talk to me right now and y'know what? I don't fucking blame you. I wouldn't want to talk to me either, to be honest but I just want you to at least listen, okay?" 

Sirius didn't say anything. 

"I'm sorry. I should've - I didn't mean to leave like I did. I didn't mean for that to be how it went -" Remus blustered and Sirius knew what he was referring to. The day before he'd gone missing. He'd told Sirius to fuck off. That had been the biggest mistake of Sirius' life, he should've stayed. 

"That's an understatement," He sniped. "You left without a word to anyone. Without a goodbye. The last thing you ever said to me was _fuck off and go,"_

"And I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that but I -" 

"You could've told me," Sirius interrupted. "Or Lily. Or Mary. Just to let us know you were okay," 

"I couldn't. I would've blown my cover," He replied staring straight through Sirius. 

"Do you really trust us that little?" Sirius sneered. 

"No, of course not. You're just twisting my words now," He snarled. 

"I'm not,"

"You are," 

"Fuck. Off."

"I didn't tell any of you because I didn't want any of you to worry or to tell me not to do it. I had to do it, Pads, you know I did,"

"Do not call me, 'Pads'," Sirius said once again terrified by how much he sounded like his father. "You didn't have to do it. You could've told Dumbledore to stuff it and -" 

"I couldn't have told Dumbledore to stuff it," Remus snarled back, his eyes flashing amber. That was the first time in years Sirius had seen that happen. Whenever Remus was truly angry, his eyes would flash, the wolf would take control ever so slightly. The last time that had happened was The Incident. 

"Why not?" 

"Because he promised me a job," Remus said biting the corner of his bottom lip. He was lying. 

"That's not it. That's not the reason," 

Remus sagged against the wall slightly. Looking less like a stranger and more like the defeated boy Sirius had known up until a few months back. He wasn't sure what upset him more. 

"D'you remember when I first did any werewolf research for the Order and I made Dumbledore promise that he wouldn't make me sign the register?" 

It didn't take long for Sirius to piece two and two together. 

"Fucking hell," He roared, slamming his fist against the brick. 

"Sirius!" Remus shouted and he rushed over to Sirius, grabbing his hand and inspecting the damage done to his knuckles. 

"Leave it," He snarled pulling his hand away quickly just as if Remus' touch had burnt him. It wasn't quite that, instead it still sent a jolt of electricity to his spine. "That slimy fucking git. He was going to revoke that promise? He threatened to notify you to the authorities? Fucking blackmail, that's what that is. Mary was right, Dumbledore's a good for nothing piece of shit,"

" _Mary_?"

" _Yes, Mary_. We're friends now,"

"Always knew you too would like each other," Remus said sith a small smile. 

"She's fucking brilliant and she's gonna fucking kill you and Dumbledore when she finds out," 

"She is, isn't she?" He said with a watery chuckle. "Pads, I'm I -" 

"No, listen," Sirius said cutting him off. If he didn't say this now he never would. "I'm not happy about any of this. I thought you were dead, I've lost so many people these past couple months and you certainly haven't come and a good time," He saw Remus frown but he couldn't explain what he saw this evening. "I - Letting you go and moving on was the hardest fucking thing I had to do and I'd sort of come to terms with the fact that you'd never be coming back and now -" 

"Now I'm here," 

"Yeah,"

"I'm sorry. I - I don't think it'll help but I want you ti know that every day I was gone, I thought about _you_. Realised how lucky I was to have you in my life and i - I am truly sorry, Pads," Sirius blinked. Surely Remus meant he'd thought about all of them? It didn't seem like it though.

"I know you are but I - I don't think I can forgive you that easily,"

"Alright. I'm going back inside," Remus said with a nod and Sirius could hear the other man's voice break as he opened the door and stepped inside.

Sirius slumped back against the wall, head smacking against it, letting the tears wash over his face as he nursed his bleeding hand. 

He'd already forgiven Remus, he'd always forgive Remus in a blink of an eye. 

So why hadn't he said it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the lovely comments


	9. 9: November, 1979

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Does it matter, Mam? Besides, I'm home now," Remus said looking directly at Sirius.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to get this chapter out. I initially had some trouble writing it and so I took a break from it so i wouldn't burn mysekf out and now it's here and I'm haply with it.  
> Thanks for all the lovely comments.

**Thursday, 1st November, 1979**

"Can this lot stay here until I find a new place?" Remus asked from where he was stood in Sirius' spare room. Sirius just raised an eyebrow at him. 

"Are you having a laugh?" Sirius snorted from where he was stood lent against the doorway. "I'm not trying to be rude but-"Remus shot him a look then. "How on earth are you going to afford your own place and where would you go in the meantime? Just stay here," He was playing it off as him being helpful but, really, deep down Sirius wanted him to stay. To catch up on the time they missed. 

"I can't ask that of you," Remus shrugged with a sigh. _Here we go again_ , Sirius thought, _another argument_. 

"You aren't," Sirius said. "I'm telling you," 

Remus huffed and Sirius could see his shoulders tensing. "I don't expect you to do me any favours, Sirius," He hissed and Sirius glared at him before hanging his head to the floor. Did Remus really think that little of him? Did he really think that Sirius would stop helping him even after all this? 

"Shit, Sirius," Remus huffed, slumpimg forward slightly as he put his head in his hands. "I didn't mean it like that. I meant -" 

"I know what you meant," Sirius said cutting in, his voice cold. "Just because I'm fucking furious doesn't mean I'm going to let you sleep on the streets. God, Remus, I thought you knew me better than that," 

"I - fuck," Remus huffed. "I - look, I know you, Sirius, you're unwaveringly loyal and the kindest fucking idiot I know and don't get me wrong I love you for it but you have every right to be angry. Don't feel like you have to," And there it was again. His voice had gone soft and Remus was looking at him fondly just like in that photo of them sitting on the steps to their dorm room. 

"I don't feel obliged to do it, you tosser. Come here," Sirius said, making his way to Remus and threw his arm around Remus' shoulder best he could. Immediately, Sirius could feel Remus turn and then his chin was on the top of his head. 

"Thanks," Remus said, moving his head so he was murmuring into Sirius' hair. 

"Uh - no problem. Let's get you unpacked, huh?" Sirius said, breaking away to grab a box. 

*****

Four am. That's what the clock on Sirius' wall said. Slowly, he got up and sighed. He hadn't been able to sleep but that was nothing new. It was verg rare that he got he full nights sleep. Grabbing his wand off of his bedside table, he made his way into the kitchen to grab a glass of water. 

There was a looming figure standing in the dark leaning against the kitchen counter. Sirius tightened his grip around his wand and turned on the light. It was just Remus although he looked far from okay. He was gripping the kitchen counter so hard that his knuckles had turned white and there where tears streaking down his face. 

"Hey? Remus?" He asked quietly so not to spook him. "Remus?" He asked again, stretching his hand out slightly so Remus could initiate contact if he wanted too. 

The taller boy glanced at his outstretched hand before turning away to look back at the kitchen counter. "Don't," He said with a shake of his head and his voice was gravelly with sleep and tears. "Please - please don't touch me," 

"Okay," Sirius said with a nod as he pulled away his hand. "Do you need anything? Water? Tea?" 

Remus shook his head and the pair were swallowed in silence.

"I'm sorry," he apologised quietly after while. 

"What for?" 

"Waking you up," Remus shrugged but Sirius knew that wasn't what he was apologising for. He was apologising for leaving, for turning back up, for having a nightmare, and mayebe even not telling Sirius how he felt. 

"That's now what you're apologising for, is it?" Sirius said softly. 

"No, s'pose it isn't," Remus replied tearing up again.

_Fuck_. 

"Hey, hey, can I hug you?" Sirius asked, making sure he got permission for any contact when Remus was like this. This had always been the way, when Remus got panicky, any touch he hadn't initiated or consented to sent him even further off the edge. 

Remus nodded and let himself be engulfed in a hug. Sirius could feel Remus burying his face in his neck and a part of Sirius broke. He wished they were doing this under different circumstances. "It's okay," He whispered quietly, stroking Remus' back. 

"It's not," He mumbled into Sirius' neck. "It was awful, Pads,"

Sirius wasn't entirely sure whether he was talking about his time away spent with Greyback or the nightmare Sirius presumed he had, either way Sirius didn't want to ask and upset him any further. Luckily he didn't need to. 

"I was - I was asleep and then I was on my own and Greyback came and he -" Remus paused then, his breath hitching against Sirius' neck. "And then James was on the floor dead and you, Lils, Pete and Mary couldn't remember me and -" 

"It's okay, it's okay. It wasn't real. It was just a dream," Sirius said. "We could never forget you that easily," It was true for Sirius at least. 

"I'm sorry," Remus repeated gain. 

"There's no need to apologise. It's alright. We're alright,"

But it wasn't alright and it would never be. 

*****

**Friday, 2nd November, 1979**

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Lily asked from where she was stood, gripping Remus' hand as if he'd float away as soon as she let go. But then again, Sirius thought, they were all acting like that. 

Him, James, Remus, Peter and Lily were stood outside the front door of the Lupin cottage bracing themselves to see the, most likely, tearful reunion of mother and son. 

"Yeah," Remus nodded. "It'd be good to see Mam again," He smiled before letting go of Lily's hand and knocking on the door. 

After a moment, it swung open and there was Hope Lupin, her hair whiter than it had been before but there was still a smile on her face. 

"Hiya, Mam," Remus said and Sirius could hear his voice breaking. 

"Remus?" Hope whispered, eyes wide. "Oh, cariad, baby!" She cried out, throwing her arms around Remus. Sirius couldn't watch, he was too close tto tears to carry on so he instead he looked at Lily who sure enough was crying with a smile on her face. 

"God, I've missed you," Remus whispered in his mum's hair. 

"Oh, my boy's back," She grinned, her voice watery as she pulled away from him. "Where the fuck have you been?" She asked, pulling him to her side and smiling at the others. 

"Does it matter, Mam? Besides, I'm home now," Remus said looking directly at Sirius.

*****

"You don't have to go see both your mum and Mary in the same day, y'know," Sirius said once they had landed a few roads away from Mary's house. 

"I know," Remus shrugged as they walked. "But I wanted to see Mam as soon as I could and if I don't go and see Mary before the meeting tonight she might kill Dumbledore," Remus laughed but there was no mirth to it. 

"I think she'll kill him anyway," 

"Probably," Remus shrugged again before turning to look at Sirius. "You didn't have to come with," 

"Oh, I did," Sirius scoffed, laughing slightly. "I'm here to stop Mary from murdering you, after all I've only just got you back," 

_Shit. I hadn't meant to say that._

"And to stop Mary from having a bloody heart attack over this," He added quickly to try and brush lver the fact he'd said 'I' instead of 'we' but Remus didn't seem to have noticed. 

"Fair enough," Remus nodded. 

It was true though, that was why Sirius was here, in the outskirts of Bethnal Green with Remus. Someone had to mediate the situation. Originally, Sirius had suggested Lily but she had argued that Mary might take it better from Sirius because they were closer. She probably wasn't wrong, which was the thing that infuriated Sirius. 

They had finally reached the Macdonald residence, a shabby little house on a dodgy street. Sirius hated that he hadn't known that Mary and her family were living on the brink of poverty. He shook his head and knocked on the door. 

Behind it, he could hear a little patter of feet and then it flung open to reveal Dee, her blonde hair in its usual pigtails and wearing a cardigan and plaid skirt. 

Sirius bent down slightly to talk to her. "Hello, Dee. Is your mum or your aunt in?" He asked with a smile. 

Before Dee could open her mouth to talk. Connie cut in, "Delilah Macdonald, you better not have opened that bloody door!" And then there was Connie, with baby Archie in her arms. "Alright, Sirius?" She said with a smile. 

"Alright, Connie?" He said with a smile, reaching out to grab Archie's hand. "Hiya, Archie," He grinned before turning back to Connie. "Is Mary in?" 

"Yeah, she is," She said with a smile before looking at Remus with a frown. "Who's your friend? Actually, I've seen you before. You're-"

"Sirius?" A voice asked and there was Mary stood next to her sister in the hallway. "What on earth are you doing here?" 

"I'll leave you three to it," Connie said with a smile. "I'll be in the living room if you need me," She said to Mary. 

"Three?" Mary repeated watching Connie walk back inside. She turned her head eound and Sirius saw that when she had spotted Remus her face fell. "Oh-" 

And within a blink, Remus was rubbing his cheek and when he pulled his hand away, there was a bright red hand mark on his cheek. 

_Fuck_. 

"Remus Lupin, you've got a lot of explaining to do," 

*****

They were now sat around the kitchen table, each cradling a mug of tea. Mary was sat next to Sirius looking sheepish. 

"I - uh - I shouldn't have slapped you. Sorry about that," She said quietly, staring down at her mug. 

"It's fine. I deserved it. Sirius did the same thing," Remus shrugged. 

Mary frowned. "Even so I shouldn't have hit you, whether you deserve it or not," She shrugged, finally looking up and Remus. She reached out over the table and grabbed his hand. "I'm glad you're alive and that you're alright. It's been a hell of a couple months -" 

"In general or just with your mam?" Remus asked gently. 

"Both," Mary shrugged, laughing hollowly. She turned to Sirius. "Have you filled him in yet?" 

Sirius shook his head. 

"Well, we've all had a rough time of it. You went missing and then Dumbledore offered for me to change my name and leave -" Mary said, oh so casually but Sirius couldn't help but notice the shock on Remus' face. 

"He did - _You what_?" Remus spluttered. 

"He told Mary she could back out of the war, change her name and give up magic until it was all over. Fucking ridiculous if you ask me," Sirius huffed. "Oh, and he also put her up for prostitution," 

Remus gaped at that. 

"Originally, yeah, but at least, and thank Merlin, Coleridge wasn't into me like _that_ ," Mary shrugged. 

"Like that makes it any better," Sirius scoffed. 

"Shush you," Mary teased, smacking him on the arm. "Then it was the National Gallery Attack which was a -" Mary began. 

"Shitshow?" Sirius supplied. 

"Yeah, that's one word for it," She laughed. "James came off worse but I suffered a bad head injury," Mary said as she pushed back her fringe and sure enough she a raised scar on her forehead.

"Bugger," Remus huffed under his breath, closing his eyes and taking a breath. 

"Molly's pregnant," Sirius said after sometime. 

"Again?" Remus asked, his eyes flicking open. 

"Yeah, due in March, this one is," He replied, his smile widening at the grin on Remus' face. 

"That's brilliant," Remus smiled. 

"And then Craig Thomas was killed by Death Eaters the same night you came back," Mary said, wiping the smile off of Remus' face. 

"Oh, shit," 

"It was fucking awful," Sirius said blanching at just the thought of it. "Let's not go into it," 

"No, let's not," Mary agreed before leaning over to ask Sirius in a low voice. "Are you alright, do you need a moment?"

"I'm fine," But he wasn't fine. Nothing was fine. 

*****

True to his word, Sirius had had a go at Dumbledore that evening after the order meeting. 

"Mr Black, I understand your angry -" 

"For the last time, I am not a Black!" Sirius huffed amd he could feel James' hand on his shoulder, the action grounding him slightly. "And angry? I'm bloody furious! You sent my best mate out to Merlin knows where with a fucking serial killer," He hissed, pointing at Remus as he did so. 

"We were monitoring the situation," Dumbledore siad and Sirius hated how calm the older man looked. 

"But you would've willingly let him die?" He asked, his voice quiet. 

"This is a war, Mr Black," 

"He's not a Black," James, Peter and Remus said at the same time and Sirius was filled with a sense of belonging. 

"Don't you think I know we're at war?" Sirius asked. "I'm done here, Professor, but don't you think for one second you're in the clear. When Mary's finished talking to Moody, she'll lay into you too," Sirius said walking towards Remus and grabbing his hand and he dragged him till they were at the door of the kitchen before stopping. "Oh, and a final warning, don't take the people I love away from me like that again. I want to be able to spend as much time as possible with them before they actually have to go, is that alright with you?" 

Sirius paused then, his breathing heavy with anger before turning to James and Peter. "I'll see you two at Mum's yeah?" James and Peter nodded. "Come on, Moons, let's go home," 

*****

**Saturday, 3rd November, 1979**

"Aren't you coming to dinner?" Sirius asked Remus, who was curled up on his bed with the photo album he'd recieved on his birthday in his lap. Effie had decided to cook dinner in celebration of Sirius' twentieth birthday and they had invited all of Sirius' found family: The Tonks', Mary, Marlene and Dorcas and then all of the Marauders, including Remus. So why wasn't he getting ready to leave? 

Remus just shrugged in reply, not looking up from the album. 

"Mum did invite you, didn't she?" He asked moving over to Remus' bed amd sat down at the end of it.

"Yeah..." Remus nodded. "I don't want to impose," 

Sirius scoffed. "Why the fuck would you be imposing?" Remus looked up at him then, one eyebrow raised. 

"It's a family affair," Remus said as if that answered anything. 

"And you're not family?" Sirius asked and Remus flicked his eyes back down to the book. "Fucking hell, Remus, 'course you're family. You always have been and always will be, you pillock," Sirius said with a smile, bumping Remus on the shoulder lightly. 

"Yeah but -"

"There's no 'but' about it," Sirius said cutting in. "No matter how I feel about this whole situation, you're still my family. I still care about you," 

"Sirius..." Remus huffed and Sirius was bracing himself for another stellar argument. 

"Will you shut up?" He interrupted. "I'm not arguing with you over how important you are to me, Moons. Yeah, you broke my trust but it's not like I've never done the same to you," They both knew what he was getting at there. "You gave me a second chance, fuck, you've given me multiple second chances and it's only fair I do the same for you," 

He looked then to see Remus, eyes wide and glistening with a small smile on his face. Immediately, the other boy ducked his head and ran a hand over his buzzcut. "Thank you," He smiled, his eyes soft. 

"Don't worry about it," Sirius smiled back. "Come on you, get your shoes and jacket on. Effie can't wait to see you and neither can Andi," 

*****

**Monday, 5th November, 1979**

The full moon had been horrendous. Remus had had to get used to having the others around again and had lashed out at himself and Padfoot the most.

"He's okay," Marlene said walking out of Remus' room and into Sirius' kitchen. "He's rather emotional though and flitting in and out of consciousness. I've left some pepper up potion on his desk along with a sleeping draught but don't make him take it if he doesn't want to," She explained with a smile. "Do you need me to look at your neck?" 

"Nah, I'm fine," And it was. It was a bit sore, and looked incredibly bruised but it wasn't bad. He'd had worse from his parents.

"I can't believe he's back," 

"Neither can I," 

"Right," Marlene said picking up her bag off the kitchen counter. "I'd love to stay and chat but I've got to get to work. If he gets any worse, ring me, yeah?" 

"Will do," Sirius said giving her a mock salute and he watched her apparate away. 

Quietly, Sirius made his way into Remus' room to find him curled up in his bed, half awake. 

"Alright, Moons?" He asked quietly perching himself on the end of his bed. 

"Yeah," He mumbled. "Come up here, I'm cold," He mumbeled again, patting the empty space next to him. Silently, Sirius shifted so he was lying next to Remus who immediately curled up so his head was resting on his chest.

_Fuck._

"We're okay aren't we? Pads, will we be okay?" Remus mumbled, his eyes drifting closed.

"Yeah, we'll be okay, Moons. We always are,"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got a playlist that I listen to when I write anything for this fic. If your interested in it let me know and I'll post the link on the next chapted  
> Hope you're all well and safe xx


	10. 10. December, 1979

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If you ask me, I don't think that's selfish at all," 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a playlist for this fic. This is literally the music I listen to whenever I write anything for this fic and it will be continuously updated I think so if you're interested here's the link:
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1YjCdqfw2B7LpKW8wvlTGk?si=Fwt5sk0tRYOFuoEPZkdJcQ
> 
> (It's a mix between songs that relate to the characters/songs I think they would have listened to/songs that realate to scenes. It's a weird combo of 70s rock and whatever the frick I listen to on a daily basis. Haha)

** Saturday, 1st December, 1979 **

It was mid-morning and Sirius was stood in the kitchen nursing a steaming cup of tea; the sunlight was filtering in through the window and he had the record player on which was currently blaring out Billy Joel's _Piano Man_. Sirius thought it was the perfect song to sum up how he was feeling. Not that he was really sure how he felt, the last few weeks had been chaotic and, frankly, overwhelming.

Sirius had just started humming along to the chorus when a puff of green smoke emitted out of the fireplace and out stumbled a figure who was cursing as they lurched forward.

Instinctively, Sirius set his mug down and scrambled for his wand, luckily the situation was diffused before he had managed to grab it. 

"Woah, it's alright, Pads, it's just me," The figure said as they turned to face Sirius, their hands raised in an apologetic surrender.

_James._

Sirius released a breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding and shakily picked his mug of tea back up. "Thank Godric," He huffed, his shoulders slumping slightly in relief. "What the fuck are you doing here?" 

James grinned at that and Sirius took that to meaning he was there for a good reason. "I've got some news," He smiled, bouncing on the balls of his feet and anxiously wringing his hands. Whatever the news was, Sirius figured that it must have been a big deal to James. 

" _Okay_?" Sirius asked dubiously moving to stand with James in the living room and as he did so the door to Remus' room opened slightly. 

"Pads?" Remus asked sleepily as he poked his head round the door. "What's going on?" He yawned as he walked out into the living room still bundled up in plaid pyjama trousers and a worn beige knit jumper.

He looked so soft, Sirius thought, even with the buzzcut and scars.

"Prongs?" Remus frowned as soon as he saw a slightly disheveled James stood in the middle of them living room covered in soot. "What are you doing here? It's seven in the morning," 

"It's twelve minutes past nine actually," James supplied with a smirk causing Remus and Sirius to roll their eyes. That was possibly the only really annoying thing about James in Sirius' mind was that he'd always give you the exact time, seconds and everything. 

"Prongsie here, has some news apparently," Sirius said to Remus in way of explaining as to why James had turned up uninvited. "Out with it then," He grinned, clapping James on the back. 

James grinned back at him then, the flush just visible on his dark cheeks and Sirius could see the twinkle in his eye. "Me and Lils are engaged," 

Sirius stopped and was sure he looked like a right prick. He turned to Remus who was just stood still with a lopsided grin on his face. Sirius couldn't quite process the information. 

"You what?" 

"Me and Lily are engaged," 

Remus snapped Sirius out of his daze then by letting out a bark of laughter. "Fucking hell!" He exclaimed, the grin on his face still growing wider. "Since when?" 

"Earlier this morning," 

"You wanker!" Sirius exclaimed with a laugh. "You never told me you were planning on marrying her," 

"Well, I wasn't," James shrugged, looking slightly embarrassed. "I _had_ thought about it but - well, I didn't know whether Lily would want to get married just yet and then this morning I just looked at her and went ' _I want to spend the rest of my bloody life with you_ ' and it just escalated," 

Sirius grinned at James then. "God, you're such a sap," He said causing both Remus and James to laugh. 

"I take pride in that," James quipped back. 

"Marriage, Prongs. Marriage," Sirius said in disbelief. He couldn't quite believe it - they were still teenagers after all and here were James and Lily planning to settle down - but then again Sirius could believe it. Lily and James were a match made in heaven (even though you would never have believed it if you saw how they acted towards each other in first year). 

"You and Lils, oh my God-" He said again, overwhelmed by an immense feeling of happiness. He hadn't received good news in months. "Come here, you dolt," Sirius grinned and he pulled James into a hug, squeezing him tight. 

Out of the corner of his eye, Sirius could see Remus stood awkwardly by the sofa watching James and Sirius with some look he couldn't pinpoint. "Come on, Moons," He said gesturing for him to come over. 

Quietly, the taller boy made his way over and wrapped an arm around each of them and they stood there, like that, for quite some time. 

*****

"Y'know," Peter began as he gestured with the glass full of red wine he was holding. Sirius was waiting for him to spill it and stain James and Lily's carpet.

They were all gathered at the couple's flat and were holding a small celebratory party for just the five of them in honour of the good news.

"I always thought Remus would be the first of us to get married," He continued. 

Sirius flicked his eyes over to Remus who was sat opposite him on the floor and they shared a look before snorting with laughter. It was sometimes easy to forget that Remus hadn't actually ever come out to the others. Sirius knew for a fact that Remus had been planning to tell them. He'd just never got the chance. 

"Yeah, no," Remus scoffed, shaking his head. "That's not ever going to happen," 

"Why not?" Peter frowned. "If it's do to with you being a werewolf - well, I say bollocks to that - you'll find someone who'll accept you like we did," He exclaimed, leaning over to pat Remus' hand reassuringly. 

"It's not really to do with being a werewolf," Remus smiled back though Sirius knew that Remus' lycanthropy would always play a huge factor in his life. 

"Oh -" Peter said quietly, his frown deepening as he tried to figure out what Remus had meant by that. Sirius couldn't help but laugh when Peter's eyes went wide and his mouth fell open with realization. " _Oh! No? - Are you?"_ Remus just shook his head and laughed in response. "You never said!" 

"I thought it was sort of obvious," Remus shrugged. 

"I thought it was," James shrugged from where he was sat as he took a swig of cider. Sirius laughed when he saw the look Remus gave James. "Don't look at me like that - I saw the way you looked at that Patil bloke in fifth year," 

"Christ almighty," Remus laughed and Sirius watched as he turned bright red. "You're scarily perceptive sometimes, do you know that, Prongs? Jesus fuck," 

"Yep," James shrugged with a smirk. Lily cackled with laughter at that, leaning on Remus for support. "Oi, Pads? Come help me with the food?" He asked as he got up off the armchair and walked into the kitchen. 

"So, Remus -" James said in a low voice once they'd entered the kitchen. 

"What about him?"

"Well, you know, you could be in for a chance," He grinned as he opened the oven door. Sirius shot him a glare. "Nope, don't look at me like that, Pads. I know for a fact that you still feel _that_ way about him," 

Sirius went to protest but when James raised an eyebrow he huffed. "I'm not denying that last part but just because he's gay and I'm gay doesn't necessarily mean I have a chance or that we should get together, does it?" 

"That's not what I meant and you know it," James huffed. "Just I always thought Remus had feelings for you - no, I _know_ he does - and now, well I know for sure," 

"No, you don't," Sirius scoffed. "So you and Lils?" 

James frowned at the obvious change in subject but didn't say anything. "I know, right? I never thought she'd agree to date me let alone marry me," 

"I had every faith in you," 

"Yeah, right," James scoffed flinging a tea towel at him. 

*****

** Monday, 3rd December, 1979 **

"Hey, are you alright?" Sirius asked as he entered Remus' room. The other boy was curled up in his bed and bundled up in about eight blankets, luckily though there weren't any new injuries this full moon or at least any visible ones but Marlene would be there in a bit to double check that no serious damage had been done. 

"Mmm?" Remus hummed, lifting his head up slightly so his face was just peeking out from behind his mountain of blankets. 

_Merlin, he's bloody cute._

"You okay?" 

"Oh...yeah," Remus said, nodding his head jerkily. "Bloody cold in here though," 

"It's really not," Sirius laughed, perching himself down on the end of Remus' bed like he'd done last month and he secretly hoped that Remus would ask him to come and lie down beside him. "I've placed a dozen heating charms on this room, you shouldn't still be cold. How are you still cold?" 

"Dunno," Remus shrugged. "Lie with me?" He asked, patting the empty space next to him. 

"I can't decide if you're just using me to steal my body heat or if you just really want to cuddle me?" He joked as he shifted himself so he was beside Remus and propped up against the pillows. Sirius hoped that it was the latter. 

"Body heat," Remus grinned lazily. "James is a better hugger," 

"Would you like me to fetch him?" Sirius grinned. 

"Nah, you'll do," Remus laughed, shifting himself slightly so that his head was rested on Sirius' chest. 

"How are you feeling?" Sirius asked as he bought a hand up to card through Remus' curls. 

"Okay. A little sore. Hip's on fire," 

"That bad, huh?" 

"Not that bad. I've had worse," 

"Marlene'll be here in a little bit, we'll get her to check your hip out when she's arrived. Until then why don't you have a nap?" 

"M'kay," Remus nodded, his eyes flicking shut slightly and he let out a contented noise as Sirius continued to play with his hair. 

*****

** Friday, 14th December, 1979 **

"Pads, I'm back!" Sirius heard Remus call out from the front door. He'd popped out to get the shopping as they were running low on the basics like bread and tea. 

"Pads, guess what?" Remus said with a grin as he placed two plastic bags on the kitchen table. 

"What have you done?" 

" _I_ haven't done anything, you cheeky sod," Remus laughed, giving Sirius a playful slap on the arm. "I saw Alice while I was out," 

"Oh, yeah?" Sirius asked as he began taking the groceries out of the bag and putting them away. 

"Yeah, she's got some brilliant news: her and Frank are having a baby. She's due in July, I think," Remus grinned hanging his blue duster on the back of one of the kitchen chairs. 

"That's brilliant," Sirius smiled. He didn't know Frank and Alice all that well but he was happy for them, they deserved some good in their lives what with everything going on. 

"It is, isn't it?" Remus smiled. "First Lily and James and now this," And with that Sirius saw Remus' smile tighten and he noticed how his tone became sad. 

"Moons?" He asked gently. 

"Uh, sorry," Remus said shaking his head and plastering a smile back on his face. 

"Are you alright?" 

"Yeah, fine," 

Sirius huffed at that. He wished that Remus wouldn't pretend that he was fine all the time because Sirius knew that he wasn't okay, he was far from it. "You're not. Do you want to talk about it?" 

Remus ran a hand over his face and sighed. "There's not a lot to talk about. I just - I get a bit sad when I hear news like this," Remus shook his head then. "Merlin, that makes me seem selfish. I just meant that - oh, I don't know," He paused, took a breath and then spoke again. "I hate the fact that we'll never get the chance to get married and have kids because we'll end up marrying men. I hate that I'm not allowed to marry whoever I decide to spend the rest of my life with and I fucking hate that I could or the person I love could get fucking hurt just because we're both men,"

Sirius blinked, Remus had a short temper but Sirius had never seen him this annoyed, this pissed off and rightly so Sirius thought. 

"If you ask me, I don't think that's selfish at all," 

"I am happy for them, don't get me wrong, but I just-" 

"Can't help but feel like you're missing out?" Sirius cut in. "I get the feeling,"

Remus nodded then and snuck an arm around Sirius' waist. Sirius' breath hitched then and he hoped to God that Remus hadn't noticed. 

"When I was growing up, I was always told that I had to marry to make connections and political alliances between the noble house of Black and other rich bigoted families. ' _Never marry for love, boy, those who marry because they're in love are fools. And what do we do with fools, boy?'_ " Sirius realised then how scarily exact his impression off his father was. "And then when I finally decided that I wouldn't follow that, when I finally thought fuck it I'm going to marry whoever the fuck I love, I realised that it would most likely be a man and then the right to marry for love was snatched away from me again," 

Remus hummed then and placed a barely there kiss on his forehead.

_Oh, shit. Shit, shit, shit._

"They'll change it, Pads, they will. They have to. Maybe it won't change right now but it will. One day. You'll get to marry the man you love someday, Pads, I promise," 

Sirius wanted to scream, how can you promise that? But he didn't. He just let the thought roll around in his head.

_I'll never marry the man I love because I don't know if he'll ever love me back._

*****

** Tuesday, 18th December, 1979 **

Sirius was sat cross-legged on his bed with his sketchbook in his lap doodling little sketches of his friends like he always did (He only ever seemed to draw portraits of them) when the door opened and Remus popped his head in. 

"What are you doing for Christmas?" He asked and Sirius just shrugged in response. 

"Dunno. Why?" 

"Are you not going to Effie and Monty's?" Remus asked with a frown. Sirius thought that it must seem odd that he wasn't going to spend Christmas with them. 

"I thought it might be nice to let James and Lily have their soul attention this year, besides I don't fancy it," That last bit wasn't a lie, he wasn't in the mood to celebrate it this year or any year really. Christmas had always been a horrid affair back in the Black household and Sirius held negative memories towards it. When they were still at school, Sirius had often opted for spending Christmas at Hogwarts rather than with James mostly because it was a quiet affair and he didn't have to celebrate it at all if he didn't want to. 

"Mam wanted to know if you'd like to come round to ours," Remus shrugged. "Obviously, you don't have to if you don't want to. I'm just going for the morning and we're going to exchange presents and have some tea and cake but that's about it. We're not really up for celebrating it either because of..." Remus shrugged again. 

Sirius didn't need him to finish for him to know that they didn't want to celebrate it because it would be the first christmas without Lyall and Sirius understood that. 

"D'you want to come with?" 

"Is your mum alright with the idea?" 

Remus chuckled at that. "This is my mam we're talking about. She invited you so 'course she's alright with it besides she loves you. You can do no wrong in her eyes," Remus laughed. 

"I'll come,"

*****

**Thursday, 20th December, 1979**

They had just sat down at the fountain, Sirius carrying a bag that contained his gift for Hope.

They had decided to visit the Christmas Market because Sirius needed to buy Hope a gift and he had been in luck. However, he had noticed that Remus had been in an odd mood all morning; he'd been unusually quiet and kept zoning out every now and then. 

"Hey, are you okay?" Sirius asked gently, placing his hand on top of Remus' which was resting on the fountain. 

"Hmm?" Remus frowned, he clearly hadn't been listening. 

"You alright?" 

"Yeah," Remus smiled and for once Sirius genuinely believed him. "I just - I never thought I'd be back in time for Christmas," He shrugged. 

Sirius huffed, he hadn't thought about what the past couple of months must have been like for Remus while he was away. The not knowing of what everyone else thought must have worried him and being that close to Greyback along with knowing that he could have potentially died. Sirius blanched at the thought. 

"I didn't think you'd be back either. I'm glad you are though," 

"I am too," 

*****

** Tuesday, 25th December, 1979 **

"Here," Remus said, thrusting a haphazardly wrapped present into Sirius' lap. Sirius adjusted himself so he was leant against the arm of one of Hope's sofas and carefully unwrapped it. "I didn't know what to get you but James mentioned something about the photo album and I -" 

"A camera?" Sirius asked and he could already feel his cheeks aching from smiling too much. 

"Yeah," Remus smiled slightly. "I thought I should let you know that it's second hand but I wouldn't have given it to you if it wasn't in good condition -" 

"Stop," Sirius smiled placing a hand on Remus' thigh. "You're rambling," He explained when Remus frowned. "It's perfect," 

Remus broke out into a full on toothy grin and Sirius cataloged the memory away. It was rare to see that kind of smile on Remus.

"Here," Sirius said, picking up his gift for Remus from where he had carefully placed it on the floor. Gently, Remus unwrapped it. 

"Pads," He whispered. "There's like four records in here," 

"Yeah, well," Sirius began with a shrug, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. "You've been away a while and I assumed you weren't able to listen to any music while you were gone and well, there's lots of new music that I thought you'd enjoy so I thought I'd catch you up. I bought you a few of the records I thought you would like," 

It had always been their thing that when either of them bought a new record they would sit together and listen to both sides in full. With Remus gone, it had felt wrong whenever he had put on a new record so Sirius decide to make up for that now. 

"Pads?" Remus said placing the records gently on the floor by his feet in a neat little pile. 

"Yeah?" 

"Thank you," And before Sirius could register it, Remus was staring at his lips and was leaning in and - _Oh God, Oh God, Oh God._ Remus was biting his lip in the way that Sirius thought was so infuriatingly cute and he found himself leaning forward too, his eyes flicking nervously to Remus' lips and then up to his eyes. He nodded then and - 

"I've made tea!" Hope exclaimed from the kitchen and Sirius practically fell off the sofa while Remus stood up and quickly made his way into the kitchen, his face flushed. 

_For fucks sake._

*****

They had been back home for awhile now and at first things between them had been awkward until Remus had put on one of his new records. He had opted for _Unknown Pleasures_ by Joy Division. 

Remus had decided that after the Joy Division album he needed something a little bit happier and had put on a Van Morrison record and when _Into The Mystic_ came on, Remus grinned and stood up from where he had previously been sprawled out on the floor. "Care for a dance?" He asked, hand outstretched. 

"You what?" Remus automatically withdrew his hand. 

"I know, it's stupid but I just - Mam and Dad use to dance to this song whenever it came on," He shrugged. 

"Well then," Sirius announced with a smile as he stood up. "Let's keep the tradition going," He smirked and wrapped his arms around Remus' neck, his breath hitching when Remus put his hands on his hips. 

They stood there swaying in the middle of the living room, grins on both their faces and Sirius was sure they looked like fools but he didn't really care. 

_If only it was always like this_ , Sirius thought as Remus spun them around and began singing along with the song. 

_God I love him_ , Sirius thought as he joined in with the words. 

_I want to rock your gypsy soul_

_Just like way back in the days of old_

_Then magnificently we will float into the Mystic_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The records Sirius give Remus are:  
> In Through The Out Door by Led Zeppelin   
> Unknown Pleasures by Joy Division  
> London Calling by The Clash  
> The Wall by Pink Floyd
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed the chapter and sorry for the long time between chapters I just kinda lost motivation lol


	11. 11. January, 1980

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This has to be one of the best nights of my life, James and Lily having a bloody baby and now this, Sirius thought. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Sex references (mild), blood and gore (mild)
> 
> The Love Will Tear Us Apart Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1YjCdqfw2B7LpKW8wvlTGk?si=Fwt5sk0tRYOFuoEPZkdJcQ

** Tuesday, 1st January, 1980 **

The winter sun filtering through Sirius' bedroom curtains was the thing that woke Sirius up that morning. He did the usual spiel of getting up and getting dressed, opting for a pair of jeans and one of Remus' jumpers that had somehow ended up in Sirius' wardrobe (he wasn't complaining about it though). His head was groggy, probably due all the drinking they'd done last night before welcoming the New Year and Sirius hoped that him and Remus would spend the day doing absolutely nothing. 

He wandered into the kitchen to make some tea and set some water and paracetamol on Remus' bedside table for when he woke up. However, as soon as he had went to grab a glass from by the sink he spotted a small scrap of paper covered in Remus' messy scrawl. 

_Moody's ended up in St. Mungo's - bloody idiot almost got himself killed. I've gone to visit him and check he's alright. I'll be back soon._

_Love,_

_R_

  
Sirius didn't think, just grabbed his leather jacket off of the back of the kitchen chair and immediately apparated to St. Mungo's. 

*****

He landed in the foyer with a lurch and was surprised to find that he hadn't splinched himself in his haste. 

The lights were a bit too fluorescent for his liking and weren't doing any bit of good for his hangover, making Sirius wish that he'd taken some paracetamol before he had left. 

There was a small blonde lady sat behind the desk and when she caught his confused expression she waved him over. 

"Are you alright, do you need anything?" 

"Uh, yeah. I'm looking for an Alastor Moody?" 

"Are you any relation?" 

"Uh -" Sirius was sure he'd have to come up with some lie but he doubted he could come up with something believable with this throbbing headache. 

"Sirius?" A voice said from behind him and Sirius whipped round to find Andromeda stood in the waiting room; holding a handful of folders in her hand and wearing her Healer's Uniform. 

"What an earth are you doing here?" She asked with a frown before turning to the blonde receptionist and saying, "I'll take it from here, Imelda," 

"Andi, hi," Sirius breathed out, wrapping an arm awkwardly around his cousin in a sort of hug. 

"What's happened?" She asked concern, written all over her face. 

"Moody's ended up here and Remus told me he'd gone to visit him," 

"I see," Andi said with a nod, relaxing a little when she'd found out that it wasn't anyone immediately close to her or Sirius that had been injured. She rearranged herself so that she was holding the folders under her right arm and her wand was grasped tightly in her left hand. She muttered something under her breath and her wand flew out of her grip and pointed to the left. 

"Come on, I'll take you to see Moody," She said with a shrug and walked off after her wand, leaving Sirius to hurry after her. "How was your Christmas?" She asked with a smile once they had fallen in step. 

"Good, quiet. Sorry I didn't come and visit," He apologised and Sirius had meant to go and visit her, he really had. 

"Don't worry about it," And Sirius knew that she wasn't offended. "Besides," She said with a grin, "You've had to catch up with that lover boy of yours," 

"He's not -" Sirius begun to protest but Andi just cut him off with a glare.

"There's no fooling me," She grinned again. "I know you and I know that you're smitten with him," 

"I'm not denying that, I'm just denying the fact that he's my lover boy," Sirius huffed. 

"I'm sure he likes you too," Andi smiled and when she caught Sirius' frown, she asked, "What? What happened?" 

"Nothing. I - I don't want to say it's complicated because it isn't - not really. I - uh - I think he does - _y'know_ , feel the same way because we, and I swear, we almost kissed," 

"Fucking Salazar," Andi cursed with a laugh. 

"I know," Sirius laughed back, he felt good now that he'd finally told someone about that, cathartic even. "I want to say something but I don't want to push him into anything or make it awkward either," 

Andi hummed then, clearly deep in thought before sighing. "I'm afraid I don't know how to help you there but if you ever need anything just owl me. Oh, you'll have to pop round at some point and make sure you bring the others, especially Remus," She said with a smirk. 

"Will do," Sirius grinned with a salute as they followed Andi's wand down a few more corridors. 

When they stopped outside a set of pale green double doors, Sirius was sure that it was the same ward James had been admitted to after the National Gallery Attack. 

"Here you are. I'll try to pop back and see you in a bit but I can't promise anything. If I don't see you, write to me as soon as you get home, yeah?" She asked with a smile, placing her hand on Sirius' arm and squeezing gently. 

"Don't worry, I will. Cheers, Andi," He said with a smile before hugging her tight. Only when she had disappeared round the corner, did Sirius enter the ward. 

Sirius entered feeling slightly awkward and nauseous, he hated hospitals at the best of times but he felt as if he was somehow overstepping by visiting Moody. 

He spotted the older man sat grumpily in his bed, at the end of the room, and Sirius strode forwards, his footsteps echoing across the wooden floor and immediately Madeye's head turned. 

"Sirius?" He asked, almost in disbelief once he was standing at the end if his bed. 

"Alright, Moody?" He said with a small smile as he took in the extent of Moody's injuries. His nose was clean gone and the wound was weeping slightly. He supposed that the Healers wouldn't try to attach t just yet while the wound was this fresh. "Jesus fucking Christ," He huffed. 

"Very eloquent," Moody deadpanned but there was a look of amusement in his eyes. "I look like I've been to hell and back, don't I?" 

"That's one way of puttin it," Sirius grimaced, shoving his hands in the pocket of his jeans and hooking his thumbs around the belt loops. "What happened?"

"Got a last minute lead on Rosier and Wilkes' whereabouts. Managed to take Wilkes out no problem but Rosier attacked me from behind, blew my bose clean off, he did but I managed to get him too," Madeye shrugged as if it was all in a day's work but then again Sirius supposed it was for him but that didn't stop the unpleasant feeling from settling in his stomach. He didn't like how casual Madeye sounded when he spoke about death. 

"I suppose you're looking for Lupin?" He asked and Sirius was shocked by how well Madeye could read him. He wasn't aware that was a skill the man had, maybe he'd picked it up from all those hours working with Mary. "You don't have to deny it, I'm not offended and, don't worry, he's gone to get a drink," 

"Sort of," Sirius admitted, feeling rather ashamed as he did so. "When I found out, I wanted to make sure you were alright, but -" 

"Well, I'm fine," The older man grunted out. "It's that lad of yours you've got to worry about, he's -" 

But before, Madeye could finish his sentence, a healer made his way over with a small, apologetic smile and said, "I'm sorry, but we've got to do some tests on Mr. Moody now. Would you mind stepping out into the corridor for a bit? We'll call you bsck in when we're done," 

Sirius nodded at the Healer and turned to Madeye as he took a hand out of his pocket. Gently, he placed his hand on the older man's arm and squeezed."I'll be becak in a bit," and with that, Madeye gave him a rare smile and Sirius strode out of the ward. 

Once in the corridor, Sirius flung hinself down onto one of the plastic chairs by the wall and placed his head in his hands. His hangover wasn't getting any better and he was starving too. 

"Pads?" A voice said and suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder. Sirius moved his hands away from his face and tilted his head up to see Remus stood above him, a paper cup in his hands and he was biting his lip in worry. 

"Hey, you alright?" Sirius asked softly. Remus nodded, a frown on his face and still biting his lip. 

"M'fine. What are you doing here?" 

"I got your note, I wanted to make sure Moody was alright and that you were too," He shrugged watching Remus sit down next to him, looking tired and ill. "I wish you'd woken me up, when you found out that Moody was here instead of leaving me that note" 

Remus nodded and Sirius figured for whatever reason that Remus had decided to hide himself away from the rest of the world today. 

"Sorry, I thought about it but... you just looked so peaceful," He shrugged before handing his paper cup out to Sirius. "D'you want a bit?" 

"What is it?" He said eyeing the cup. 

"Just tea," 

Sirius nodded and took the cup, taking a cautious sip so he wouldn't burn his mouth. He grinaced as soon as he swallowed it and immediately handed it back to Remus. 

"Fucking vile that," He swore and it really was, it was luke warm and way too milky. Remus huffed a laugh in response. "Are you sure your alright?" 

Remus just shrugged. 

"That's not much of an answer," 

"Don't really have one," Remus offered. "I think I'm okay, just a lot going on up here at the moment," He smiled as he pointed to his head. 

"I'm the same," Sirius admitted, it felt good to say that. It wasn't everything he wanted to say to Remus but it felt good just admitting that to him. "If you ever want to talk -" 

"I know and thanks but I'm - I'm scared that if I do, I'll ruin it," Remus said and Sirius could feel his eyes boring into him. If he was talking about what Sirius thought he was talking about (about Remus telling Sirius how he felt, Sirius knew that he could never ruin their friendship). 

*****

** Saturday, 19th January, 1980 **

Remus laughed loudly as he stepped out of their fireplace, pleasantly tipsy. As he stumbled out after him, Sirius was sure that he was slightly further gone than Remus but that couldn't be helped - Remus could drink anyone under the table. Sirius wasn't sure if this was to do with the wolf or whether Remus was just naturally good at holding his drink. 

The pair had just come back from Dorcas' birthday gathering and Sirius was certain that everyone there had gotten completely pissed other than Lily who had stuck to water and Pumpkin juice which Sirius had thought rather strange but he couldn't be bothered to dwell on it, not right now. 

Not when Remus was looking devishily handsome, with his red shirt - Remus had rolled his sleeves up to reveal his forearms and his top few buttons were undone to reveal his collar bone and Sirius couldn't help but stare. Not when he was stood dangerously close with a grinning Remus who was now shucking off his dark woollen coat. 

"Shame they made us leave," Remus sighed. "I was having fun," 

"Yeah, well, Marlene was getting handsy," Sirius said, moving into the kitchen to grab a glass of water.

"Sirius!" Remus gasped, looking completely scandalised but Sirius knew that Remus had probably made a similar joke at some point. 

"What?" Sirius grinned. "I'm just saying," 

Remus laughed then and it was a proper laugh - his head was thrown back slightly, revealing the cjrve of his neck and it actually reached his eyes this time. Sirius hadn't seen Remus smile like that for awhile, not since before he'd left for his mission. 

"What?" Remus blinked from where he was still stood in the living room and that was when Sirius realised he'd been staring but he couldn't really find it in him to care. 

"Nothing," He shrugged. "It's - I'm glad you're smiling again - like truly smiling," 

Remus smiled at him then and it was another sincere smile, a private one meant just for Sirius. And that's when Sirius also realised that he wanted to tell Remus how much he wanted to kiss him, especially after Christmas when they almost had. 

"What's up?" Remus asked, the soft smile turning into an expression of worry as he studied Sirius' face. 

"Nothin'," Sirius shrugged. "Just tired," and with that, he flashed Remus a smile before retreating into his room feeling like a coward. 

*****

** Thursday, 31st January, 1980 **

As soon as Sirius thought things were going well between him and Remus, it went wrong again. It was very much two steps forward, one step back and Sirius was beginning to hate it. He hated this little dance they were doing around each other. 

He wanted to tell Remus how he felt and though he was sure the feelings were reciprocated, he didn't want Remus to feel pressured into anything. 

He had told Andi this when he had visited her that morning and she had just said to grow a pair and ask him before it was too late. He knew, deep down that she was right. 

By the time he had left Andi's, Sirius had made the decision to talk to Remus that evening but his plans were spoilt by James and Lily. They had owled saying they wanted to meet up and head to the The Leaky Cauldron. Sirius thought this was odd considering they had met up just the day before to celebrate Lily's birthday but he wasn't going to question it. 

"Moony?" Sirius called out from where he was sat in an armchair by the record player (he had put on David Bowie's "Heroes"). 

"What?" Remus snapped in reply as he stormed out of his room a scowl on his face causing Sirius yo to flinch slightly at the tone. Immediately, Remus softened. "Shit, sorry, Pads. I didn't meant to - I never wanted to scare you. I'm just in a bit of a mood," 

"It's fine," Sirius smiled tightly and it was fine to an extent - it was fine because he knew that Remus hadn't meant it but it wasn't fine because it meant that his childhood still had an effect over him. 

"Prongs invited us over for dinner. I can tell them you don't want to come, I think they'd understand what with the full being in a couple of weeks -" 

"No, I'll go. I can't keep using the moon as an excuse, can I?" Remus shrugged but Sirius didn't think it was an excuse. He knew for a fact that the Full Moons had some sort of effect over him weeks before the actual full moon and that they had gotten worse every year and that the pain was getting unbearable for him. No, Sirius didn't think Remus used the moon as an excuse. 

"I'll go," Remus said again. "I think I owe it to you lot to be there, don't you?" 

*****

The five of them were sat in a rather cramped booth at The Leaky Cauldron, all four boys cradling a firewhiskey whilst Lily had opted for a pumpkin juice. 

James and Lily looked nervous as if they had a terrible secret and were clasping each other's hands tightly. Sirius turned his head to his left and shot Remus a look who just shrugged back at him as if to say, _I've got no bloody clue_. 

And that's when Lily blurted it out.

"I'm pregnant," 

Sirius was sure time paused then as the news sunk in. James and Lily were going to have a baby. When the fuck had they all grown up so quick? 

"You what?" Peter blurted out. 

"Fuck off," Remus grinned as he sidled out of the booth and made his way over to Lily who stood up and in one swift motion, he picked her up and spun her round. "Oh my God, you're pregnant? Jesus fuckung christ!" He laughed. 

Sirius smiled turning his head away from the little scene to look at James who was grinning like a madman. Sirius gently swung his leg forward and kicked James who immediately turned his head. 

"Looks like you're going to have a little prongslet, huh?" Sirius grinned causing James' grin to grow wider. "How long have you two known?" He asked, the question directed to whoever wanted to answer. 

"Since the end of November," James replied casually as if they hadn't been sitting on this huge bit of life changing news for the past two months. 

"And you never said a word?" Peter piped up. 

"We wanted to," Lily smiled and Sirius knew that she was being honest. "But there wasn't ever a convenient time to do so. We didn't want to overwhelm anyone because Remus had just come back and then we didn't want to overwhelm you with it when we told you we were getting married," 

"You don't have to explain yourself," Remus grinned squeezing Lily's arm and pulling her closer to his side. 

"When's the little terror due?" Sirius grinned. 

"End of July, like Al and Frank's baby," 

"You two are going to be parents, I can't believe it," Peter murmured in a state if shock that Sirius could tell James thought was amusing. 

"Have you told Mum and Dad yet? What did they say?" Sirius asked, intrigued as to how their parents would react. No matter what they would have been supportive, Sirius knew that but neither James or Lily had turned twenty when they had gotten pregnant, and now even with one of them being an adult, they were still painfully young. 

"We told them as soon as we found out," James grinned. "Mum had a bit of a meltdown over it she was so excited, bless her," 

"And Monty had to talk James out of a right old panic," Lily grinned. Sirius could picture it, James would have flipped his lid when he found out that Lily was going to have a baby, because he had wanted to start a family with her ever since they had become serious about each other. 

"Good Godric, a baby," Peter said, a grin plastered on his face but his eyes were wide with shock. Sirius thought his expression summed up the news perfectly. 

_Good Godric, indeed_. 

*****

Sirius was filled with unrelenting happiness and by the looks of it so was Remus (his mood had picked up considerably since they'd been told the good news). Neither of them had stopped grinning sice they'd found out but now that Sirius was in the safety of his own flat, he allowed hinself to acknowledge the twinge of sadness sitting deep inside his soul. 

He envied James slightly for the fact that he had everything he had ever wanted: the person he loved and a chance to start a family with them. Sirius knew logically that the second was unattainable but he worried that he might never even get the first. 

"D'you want a tea?" Remus asked and Sirius wasn't sure when he'd moved to the kitchen. "Dunno if I'll be able to sleep tonight," 

"Too excited over the news?" 

"Definitely," Remus grinned and then his smile faltered and his expression became unreadable and Sirius realised that Remus was trying to decipher his expression. 

"What's wrong?" 

"Nothing," Sirius shrugged as he went and sat at the kitchen table. "I'm excited obviously, don't get me wrong and I'm so bloody happy for them but -" He paused then. "I can't help but feel like I'm missing out," 

Remus nodded then, a look of understanding across his face as he flicked on the kettle. 

A moment of realisation washed over Sirius then and he remembered the vow he had made to himself this morning: _tell Remus how you feel._

_Well, it was now or never._

"I want a relationship, like Lily and James have, like Dorcas and Marlene have, contrary to what everyone said back when we were still in school," Remus let out a laugh at that remark. 

"I want someone I can spend time with, and someone who'll put up with me even though I'm a handful and that I'm a lot to fucking deal wth. I want someone I can spend the rest of my life with," Sirius paused then collecting his thoughts before he barrelled on. 

"I think I've found that person, I believe I found that person years ago but we've both been too scared to say anything," Sirius looked up to see Remus, who had just pulled a mug out of the cupboard gripping it so tightly that his knuckles had turned white.

"I think I'm in love with you and I'm terrified," Sirius whispered, he hadn't wanted to use the word love but there wasn't anything else that described how he felt just as well. "And if I'm correct you are too. And I don't want to keep skirting around it, just because we're both terrified and -" Sirius cut himself off then, realising that he was beginning to ramble. 

Remus just sat and stared at him, a look of disbelief on his face and Sirius was sure there was a blush creeping up his neck. Sirius just stared back, heart beating painfully quick as he waited for a response. 

"Moons?" He whispered, he needed him to say something, anything. 

"Can you really picture it?" Remus whispered back. "Me and you together?" 

Sirius nodder, a small sincere smile creeping onto his face. "Been able to since fifth year," 

It was Remus' turn to smile then and Sirius was sure it matched his own. "Merlin," 

"I should have said something sooner but I sas too scared to say anything but I suppose, if the last few months have taught me anything it's that I need to stop being afraid," 

Remus nodded in agreement. "I get it, I wish I had your courage," 

"You've got more bloody courage than I do. You turn into a fucking werewolf once a month, -" Sirius grinned causing Remus to smile and shake his head. 

"Y'know what I meant," 

"I did, yeah, but you're wrong. I've always thought that you're the bravest person I've ever met," 

"Shut up," Remus smiled, a blush forming on his face. 

"I'm being perfectly -" Sirius began, glad that it wasn't awkward between him and Remus. 

"Shit up," Remus grinned and next thing Sirius knew, Remus' hands were cupped around his face and he had leant forwards slightly and was kissing him and _Merlin, was he a kisser_. 

It was a languid kiss and Remus was surprisingly dominant - Sirius thought then that if anyone else had tried to be that dominant, Sirius would've hated it but with Remus he felt comfortable giving over some of his control, to let Remus take the lead. He trusted him to do, to not abuse it. It was also a hesitant kiss and rather slow too as if Remus was worried that one wrong move would stop everything and make Sirius change his mind. 

Sirius wanted him to know that this was everything he had ever wanted and he'd never change his mind. 

Sirius couldn't focus on anything other than that feeling: kissing Remus, being kissed bt Remus (especially because he was doing this brilliant thing with his jaw: moving it up and down, setting the pace for Sirius). 

Slowly, Sirius snaked his hands up Remus' arms so they were gripping his shoulders and in one swift movement he pulled him down onto his lap and - 

_Oh fucking Merlin, he's hard._

That was the only though Sirius had then and it was probably the least romantic thought of them all. 

_Shit._

"You alright there?" Remus asked with a coy grin as he pulled away. 

"Mhmm, perfectly fine," Sirius said trying not to concentrate on Remus' little problem and he was sure he had the most manic grin on his face. 

"Looks like you're malfunctioning," Remus smirked. 

"After a kiss like that, how could I not?" Sirius grinned, making Remus blush. "Never knew you had it in you, Moony,"

 _This has to be one of the best nights of my life, James and Lily having a bloody baby and now this,_ Sirius thought. 

However, he must have said it out loud because Remus was blushing again and nodding in agreement and then his hands were cupling Sirius' face in his hands yet again and Remus was kissing him hard. 

This one was rough and full of desire and eight years worth of words and confessions left unsaid and Sirius felt, for once, at peace. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long time between chapters. This one was a bugger to write. And I lrocrastinated by writing another fic which I'm tempted to ost on here but I dunno (et me know if you'd be interested in another story from med) also hope you're all well and stayong safe and had a brilliant pride


	12. 12. February, 1980

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm sorry," 
> 
> "What for?" Sirius asked, reaching out for Remus' hand. 
> 
> "I dunno," He shrugged. "Everything? Leaving you all when I did, not telling you how I felt sooner. All of it," 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love Will Tear Us Apart Playlist:  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1YjCdqfw2B7LpKW8wvlTGk?si=Fwt5sk0tRYOFuoEPZkdJcQ

** Friday, 1st February, 1980 **

Next to him, the mattress dipped slightly and Sirius turned on his left side to see Remus slipping into bed next to him. 

"Morning," Sirius mumbled, a smile on his face. 

"Mornin' to you too," Remus grinned back his deep welsh voice made even gravelly (And in Sirius' opinion sexier) because of sleep.

They hadn't done much more than kissing last night due to the fact that when Sirius had gone to put a record on, Remus had fallen asleep on the sofa. 

He moved himself then, so that he was straddling Sirius slightly and he leant down, letting his face hover over Sirius' with his eyes trained on his lips. "Can I?" 

"Course," Sirius grinned as Remus straddled him properly and bent down. Sirius couldn't believe it to be honest, he didn't think he'd ever get used to being able to kiss Remus. 

"Christ, you're gorgeous," Remus mumbled against his lips. 

"So are you," Sirius retorted, watching Remus roll off of him so he was lying next to him on his back. 

"Are we doing anything today?" 

"Lils wants us over for wedding planning,"

"Joy," Remus grimaced but there wasn't any malice behind it and besides Sirius couldn't help but agree. As excited as he was for the wedding, the planning was tedious and downright stressful. Sirius supposed the only upside of him not being allowed to marry was automatically avoiding the stress of the planning. 

"Then we've got the Order Meeting," He continued, the dread making a home in the pit of his stomach. 

Remus groaned then, his face crumbling with actual dismay. He looked exactly like Sirius felt. 

"Can't we just give it a miss?" Remus huffed, throwing an arm over his face. Sirius could still see his lips slightly and from the angle it looked like he was smirking. "I'd rather stay here. In bed. With you," 

Sirius spluttered then and knew that he was turning bright red. It didn't help that Remus was lying there next to him, laughing his head off like an absolute loon. "As, uh, tempting as that may be and believe me it is, I, uh, think we should go," 

The majority of his brain was screaming stay here. Stay here with this beautiful man. But somewhere in the recess of his mind was a sensible little voice that told him he had to face the days responsibilities. When had he become so adult? 

Remus removed his arm from his face and rolled on his side so he was facing Sirius; his lips pouted ever so slightly. "You're no fun," He said before flashing him a grin and Sirius knew right then and there that if Remus kept acting like that and looking at him with that deliriously sinful expression, Sirius wouldn't survive the day. 

*****

They had apparated to Potter Manor together with Remus going side along. He still had hold of Sirius' hand and as much as he wanted him to keep hold of it, he didn't know whether Remus would be comfortable in participating in casual displays of affection in front of Lily and James. He also didn't know whether they wanted to let anyone know about whatever this was between them and whether they were ready to do so. 

"You okay?" Remus asked, brows furrowed and biting his lip. 

"Yeah," Sirius nodded. "I was just - are we?" He asked cutting himself off. He wasn't quite sure to word the question in a way that wouldn't make Remus uncomfortable so he just lifted their clasped hands up slightly. 

"Oh," Remus nodded once he'd caught on. "I - uh - I dunno," Sirius supposed that was a fair answer, he didn't even know what this was himself but he couldn't help the pit in his stomach stop growing. "We don't have to think about it just now, I suppose," 

"Alright, yeah," 

"But we will, I promise," Remus smiled and the weird feeling residing in Sirius' stomach slowly slipped away. 

"Okay," Sirius nodded with a smile as Remus squeezed his hand.

That was when James decided it was good idea to throw the front door wide open. Sirius half expected Remus to jump back and untwine their hands but he didn't, just held on to him tighter. James didn't seem to notice. 

"Pads! Moons!" He grinned lopsidedly, pushing his glasses back up his nose. "Glad you're here. Mum and Lils have been driving me bloody insane over this wedding. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited but still," He grinned, Sirius could tell he was excited he only ever rambled like that when he was. "Oh, shit, come in, come in. Me and Lils have got somethings to run past you two," He said, ushering the pair inside. It was Sirius who reluctantly let go of Remus' hand. 

"Where's Mum and Dad?" Sirius asked as they entered the unusually quiet entrance hall. 

"They popped out to the town, Mum needed a bit of a break, I think, so Dad's taken her to the cafe," James shrugged. He was noticeably worried about Effie and rightly so, she was getting on now both their parents were and well, Sirius didn't like thinking about it but it was only a matter of time before they kicked the bucket.

The trio remained quiet as James led them through into the living room where Lily was sat curled up on the sofa, her baby bump just showing. Sirius had never believed that women looked radiant when they were pregnant, but he was starting to now. 

"Alright, Lils?" Sirius grinned as he sat down watching Remus walk over to her and hug her slightly in greeting before sitting down next to Sirius on the other sofa situated in the room. 

"Glad you two could come, we asked Peter to come too but he couldn't find the time because of work," Lily smiled. That was all Peter ever seemed to do these days. Work, which was ironic because back in Hogwarts Sirius remembered that Peter very rarely worked and when he did it was with little or minimal effort. It struck him as odd that he had received a Ministry job at the time though he would never say it out loud. 

"Right, we've got something very special to ask you both," Lily grinned grabbing James hand. "D'you want to go first, love, or should I?" 

"You go first," 

"Remus," She smiled gently. "I know it's not traditional but with Dad gone I've got to be a little bit untraditional. I can't think of anyone better to step in for him. You were there for me when Dad died and through the whole thing with Petunia and, well, you're family, Remus and I'd really like for you to walk me down the aisle,"

Sirius watched Remus' face as the news sunk in. Finally, when he'd come to terms with it, Remus smiled widely. Sirius discreetly reached out and grabbed Remus' hand. Neither Lily or James seemed to have noticed. "Course I will, Lils," He grinned, his voice watery as if he was on the verge of tears. 

"Thank you," She said gently standing up and Remus stood up, letting go of Sirius' hand as he did so to hug her. "Right, James, I think it's your go," She said with smile once she was sat back down. 

James nodded and broke out into a grin before saying, "Pads, how would you feel if I made you my Best Man?" 

Sirius paused, he had assumed that James was going to make Monty his Best Man but he couldn't help but feel pleased that James had chosen him. 

"Seriously?" Sirius asked, mouth agape. James' grin widened and he nodded again. "I thought Dad was going to do it?" 

"I'd toyed with the idea but I think I always knew that I'd quite like my brother to be my Best Man," 

Sirius grinned and he knew that if James carried on like that he'd start bawling his eyes out. "Come here, you sap," He laughed standing up and pulling James into a hug. 

"You'll do it, yeah?" 

"Course I will. And I'll give the best speech ever," Sirius said with a knowing smirk. 

"Oh no," James replied with quietly, a look of despair on his face but even so Sirius could see the sparkle in his eyes. Behind them Remus let out at a hearty laugh. 

"You really should've thought about that, Prongs," He grinned mischievously. "He's going to make so many fucking deer jokes," 

"Shit," James swore but there was a huge grin on his face. "Eh," He said with a flippant wave of his hand. "I think that's something we'll have to live with. But just so you know, Pads, that I'd make as many dog puns as possible if you could get married," 

Sirius just laughed and punched James playfully on the arm. "What did you two need help with?" 

"Loads," Lily said with a grimace. "We've got so much to do and not enough time to do it in," It was true. The wedding was only a few weeks away and they had quite a bit left on their to do list but Sirius wasn't going to blame them for giving themselves such a short time span. Sirius understood why they'd chosen that date, it gave them enough time to plan but it also meant that it was less likely for something to happen to either of them or to Effie and Monty. They really wanted to see James married at least. 

"We've got three main things on the list today. Empty the ballroom out in preparation for when we start decorating. Do the seating arrangements and the girls are coming later to check their dresses and that," 

"Have you decided on the rest of the wedding party then?" 

"Yeah," Lily nodded. "We asked Marlene, Mary and Dorcas to be bridesmaids. Well, Dorcas is my Maid of Honour," 

Sirius supposed it made sense that she had made Dorcas her maid of honour. Though Lily had always been relatively close to the three girls, she'd always had a stronger bond with Dorcas that she didn't have with the other two. 

"We've asked Dora to be the flower girl and Charlie Weasley to be the page boy," 

"Dora'll love that and so will Charlie," Sirius smiled. 

"It's why we chose them," 

"Right," Lily said with a grin. "Remus, you're helping James get the ballroom ready. Sirius, you're with me. I need you to help me to the seating arrangements," 

Sirius nodded, knowing full well that Lily had wanted him to help with this particular task because of his cursive handwriting. She had made him write out the invitations at the end of December. He followed Lily into the dining room as Remus and James made their way over to the ballroom but not before Remus turned to look at Sirius and winked at him. 

"You alright, you're looking a bit flushed?" 

"Oh, I'm fine," 

"Liar," 

"Right, shall we do the seating plan then?" 

*****

The happiness that Sirius had felt that morning had been crushed now. It had gone as soon as Sirius had stepped through that month's meeting location. Some house that belonged to a member of the order and Sirius couldn't quite find it in him to care who's it was.

He was sat in one of the far corners, tucked in a fraying green armchair, one hand nursing a Fire Whiskey, the other discreetly holding Remus' hand in a death grip. 

Dumbledore was listing out the dead. 

He had a small piece of parchment and the old man was rattling names off of it in that dull, monotonous voice of his. He was acting as if that was all they were, just names. As if they weren't people who had mothers and fathers, siblings, children, a partner, a life. He was treating them as if they were soldiers that were disposable. 

It made Sirius feel sick to his core. 

"Benji Fenwick," Dumbledore rattled off. As if Benji hadn't been his former pupil, as if he hadn't been a friend of half of the Order members, as if he hadn't been a teenager when he died. 

Next to him, Sirius heard a gasp and the grip on his hand tightened. It all clicked into place. Remus had been friends with Benji, maybe not close friends but close enough that Remus would be devastated over his death. Merlin, Sirius had never spoken to the bloke but he was devastated. 

"Gideon and Fabian Prewett," 

_Well, shit_. 

It all clicked into place again. Sirius hadn't been able to find Molly or Arthur or The Prewett Twins when he'd first arrived. Now he knew why. 

_Fuck._

Sirius had been friends with Gideon and Fabian just like James, Peter and Remus had been. They'd even dubbed the pair honourary Marauders. The two older boys had taught them a trick or two about pranking while they were at school and they had all looked up to them too. (Sirius had also had a bit of a crush on Fabian back in fourth year) 

Silently, Dumbledore folded the bit of parchment up and shoved it in the pocket of his robe. The thing that took the piss, Sirius thought, was that he didn't even look sad that these people had just died. 

He opened his mouth to carry on when Mary cut him off and interjected with, "I think we should hold a minute's silence," 

It wasn't much. A minutes silence wouldn't do much to ease their loss but it was such a stand against Dumbledore and how he had dealt with their deaths and the war in general that Sirius couldn't help but feel not only proud of Mary for suggesting it but like those who'd died fighting had gotten the respect they deserved. 

The minute passed and Dumbledore pressed on as if nothing had happened.

_Tonight was going to be a long night._

*****

Remus had been extremely quiet when they'd returned home after the meeting and he looked pale and gaunt but Sirius supposed he had too. Both were so wrapped up in their grief over the deaths of their friends that Sirius couldn't find it in him to argue when Remus had skunk into his bedroom without a word. 

It was probably just after midnight when Sirius heard a movement outside his bedroom door. He hadn't been able to sleep and instead had opted for mulling over all of his life choices which was never a good idea. 

The door gently swung open before Sirius had begun to dig a whole of self pity and there was Remus, stood in a baggy, white t-shirt with the signature Bowie lightning bolt on it and a pair of dark boxers.

"You okay?" Sirius asked, propping himself up on his elbows to look at Remus properly. 

"Can't sleep," 

"Me neither. D'you want to-?" He said, patting the space in his bed that Remus had occupied that morning. 

"Yeah," Remus smiled as he made his way over. Only when Remus had tucked himself in under the covers and had maneuvered himself so that his arm was under Sirius' neck and Sirius' head was on Remus' chest, did he speak again. "Today was going so well, wasn't it? And then -" 

"And then it wasn't," 

"Then it wasn't," Remus echoed with a nod. "Can't believe they're all gone," He whispered into the dark. 

"Neither," 

"Are you alright?" Remus asked, his voice riddled with concern. Sirius tilted his head up slightly so he could see Remus' face and he was biting his lip again and furrowing his brow. "I know you and Fabian were close," 

"No closer than you were with him," Sirius shrugged before smiling sadly. "Thinking about it though, I had a bit of a crush on him back in Fourth Year but -" 

Remus let out a watery laugh then before saying, "You weren't the only one," Sirius sat up in disbelief, turning to look at Remus as if to say _No? Really?_ Remus just smiled and tugged at Sirius until he was lying back down. 

It was awhile before either spoke again and Sirius decided that he didn't mind the silence. It was comfortable in a weird, vulnerable sort of way. Whatever it was, Sirius didn't mind it. However, when Remus finally spoke it cut through the silence and all Sirius could focus on was his voice and the rough, croaky edge to it. He sounded as if he was about to cry. 

"I'm sorry," 

"What for?" Sirius asked, reaching out for Remus' hand. 

"I dunno," He shrugged. "Everything? Leaving you all when I did, not telling you how I felt sooner. All of it," 

"You've got nothing to apologise for, d'you hear me?" Sirius said his voice surprisingly firm considering his heart was breaking a little. 

He could feel Remus nodding beside him. 

"You're a Best Man," 

Sirius thought it best not to mention the fact that Remus was diverting by changing the topic. 

"And you're walking Lily down the aisle," 

"Weird, isn't it?" Remus huffed a laugh. "I could never imagine any of us getting married. It just felt like this distant thing," Sirius nodded. Marriage had always seemed very adult.

"I always thought that and now that James is getting married, I can't picture it any other way," 

"And they're having a baby," Sirius could practically hear the smile in Remus' voice. 

"That'll take some getting used to. I could never quite imagine him being a dad,"

"I dunno, I always thought he'd be a brilliant dad, for starters he's a bit of a mother hen," 

"He is, isn't he?" Sirius laughed. "Lils'll be a smashing mum," 

With that remark, they fell back into silence again until Remus turned on his side to face Sirius. 

"D'you ever want kids?" He asked gently

Sirius blinked. He was sure it was an innocent question but it felt loaded somehow. 

"Are you offering to carry my babies, Remus?" Sirius grinned earning himself a smack from the other boy. 

"Shut up, you oaf. I just meant that if you could - if you ever had the opportunity to would you want them?" 

"I dunno. I s'pose so. I'm nor sure. I think that if I did I'd be worried that I'd end up like -" Sirius trailed off then, he'd never meant to say that out loud and he really didn't want to finish the sentence but it seemed as of Remus knee what he was getting at. 

"Don't say it," He said firmly. "I reckon you'd be an amazing dad, Pads. You'd be nothing like Walburga and Orion. You're brilliant with kids. I've seen the way you act around Dora and around each individual Weasley child and they all adore you. Mcgonagall once told me that she had seriously considered making you a prefect because of how good you were with the younger students, the only reason she didn't was because she thought you might be a bit too reckless,"

Sirius blinked. He had never thought he'd ever hear someone say that he'd never be like Walburga and Orion in the parenting front and it was nice, relieving even and for it come from Remus made it even more sincere. 

"Sirius?" Remus whispered. "You alright?" 

"Yeah," His voice wobbled slightly and Sirius knee that he'd start crying at any moment. 

"You sure?" 

"Mhmm," But Sirius had started crying, it was the final straw, the last thing to send him over the edge. 

"Oh, Sirius, _fy nghariad,_ come here," Demus huffed wrapping his arms around Sirius and pulling him towards him so they were spooning. He gently pressed a kiss in the skin behind Sirius' ear. 

Sirius decided that he liked this: lying in bed, kissing and whispering confessions into the moonlight with Remus by his side.

*****

** Thursday, 14th February, 1980 **

"You!" A familiar voice shouted and was Lily stood in the middle of their living room. Remus and Sirius had been spending a rather nice morning together, they'd played through a few records, danced around a bit and ended up snogging on the sofa for a little while.

"Shitting hell, Evans," Sirius huffed from where he'd fallen off the sofa in shock. Remus, the bastard, had just laughed at him. "Everything all right?" 

"I need your help," She stated. Sirius was going to scream if sue asked him to write any more stuff down for her. 

"What for?"

"I - uh - I need you to teach me how to dance," Sirius frowned, he'd seen Lily dance plenty at times when they were back at Hogwarts and she was rather good at it so he wasn't quite why she needed his help. "Don't act like you don't know how -" 

"You can dance fine, Lils," 

Lily huffed and ran a hand over her face. "I meant proper ball room dancing," 

A wave of realisation set in. This was about the first dance. From behind him, Remus made a noise of understanding and in the most patronising voice he'd ever heard him use he said, "James told you that he was a master Waltzer, didn't he?" 

Lily didn't seem to pick up on his tone, probably too flustered to do so. "He dropped it into our conversation oh so causally," She grimaced. "He was like, 'Oh by the way, love, I've been able to ballroom dance since I could walk'," 

"I mean, you should've expected it. You know what Purebloods are like," Remus said with a cheeky grin. 

"You aren't being helpful, Lupin," She huffed, sending Remus a glare and Merlin, if looks could kill, Remus would've been dead within seconds.

Remus seemed to have figured that out though because he slowly got up from the sofa, hands raised up in surrender and sheepishly said,"I'm going to make some tea," 

"Probably the best idea or Lils here might kill you," Sirius smiled watching Remus as he moved into the kitchen. His comment did earn him a slap on the arm from Lily though. 

After a little more begging on Lily's part, Sirius reluctantly taught her how to dance the waltz. The dancing had always been the one thing he'd liked about his ridiculously upper-class upbringing. He had hated his instructor and the stuffy events he had had to attend and dance around at but the actual dancing itself hadn't been too bad. 

Sirius had to give it to Lily, she was an incredibly fast learner. Not only that she looked elegant and dainty dancing around Sirius' and Remus' flat and Sirius couldn't imagine how stunning she'd look during her actual first dance. 

He also couldn't help but notice that Remus was sat in the kitchen, nursing a cup of tea and his eyes seemed to be following Sirius around the room. More particularly his... _Merlin, was Remus staring at his arse?_

"I - uh - I think you've got it down to a T, Lils," He smiled once they'd finished. "You're a natural," 

"Thank you, Sirius, really. I owe you one," She said, pressi g a kiss to Sirius' cheek before turning to Remus and asking is she could have a cuppa.. 

Remus, however, wasn't paying any attention to Lily instead he just seemed to be staring at Sirius.

"Oh my fucking God!" She laughed, her eyes flicking back and forth between Remus and Sirius, a look of understanding on her face. "Oi, Lupin, stop ogling Sirius' arse, it's vile," She grinned. Remus just blushed and sheepishly moved from his seat to make some more tea. 

Sirius couldn't help but laugh at the scene playing out before him as he followed Lily into the kitchen. "You're just as bad," She said with a grin. "And don't act like I haven't seen the way you two have been eyeing each other," 

Her smile faded slightly then and her expression became more serious. "Don't worry, I won't say anything to James or anyone else. It's your business who you tell and when you tell them," 

"We will tell James but its still relatively new to us," sirius said sheepishly. 

"You don't need to explain yourselves to me," She smiled as Remus handed her a mug. "I'm happy for you both, but, God help me, if either of you hurts the other one I'll kill you," 

Remus chuckled lightly at that as he handed a mug to Sirius. Once Remus had sat down, to Sirius' suprise he had grabbed his hand which was resting on the table and beamed at him. 

"I'm truly happy for you both. You deserve this especially after all you've been through,"

*****

** Saturday, 23rd February, 1980 **

If Sirius remembered correctly, this was the twelth wedding Sirius had ever been to. He'd attended many whilst growing up at Grimmauld Place but Sirius had to admit, right off the bat,, that this was the happiest and loveliest one by far. 

Mary, Marlene and Dorcas looked lovely in the dusk pink dresses and Lily was a vision in her high-necked white lace dress. James had cried when he saw her walking up the aisle with Remus by her side. Sirius had almost cried too.

The meal and the speeches were over now and Sirius had to admit he was very proud of his speech, it had made both James and Lily cry at different points and he'd snuck in about ten deer puns (He had to thank Remus for three of them). The newlyweds had also just done their first dance. That had actually made Sirius cry. Now however, Sirius was making his way over to where Remus was standing after grabbing a glass of champagne from a side table. He had to admit, Remus looked divine in his suit. It was all black and tailored but he'd shucked off the jacket at some point and just had his waistcoat on over his shirt which he'd rolled his sleeves up to reveal his forearms. 

"Hello," Sirius grinned as he came and stood next to him. 

"Hiya," 

"You are killing me," Sirius smirked but he made sure to keep his voice low incase the wrong kind of people heard. He doubted that there would be anyone like that attending but it was better to be careful. 

" _Am I_?" Remus asked coyly, one eyebrow raised. 

"Yes," Sirius huffed. "I never knew I needed to see you in a suit but _Godric_ ," Remus laughed at him. "You should wear them more often," 

"You're looking pretty good yourself, Pads," Remus grinned. 

*****

As soon as they had arrived back at the flat, Sirius had crowded Remus up against one of the walls and was kissing him deeply. "Merlin, Sirius," Remus huffed, his voice barely there and lips swollen. Christ, Sirius was in deep.

"You've been driving me bloody wild, you have," Sirius grinned again before kissing him, slower this time. "And that bloody suit of yours," He laughed reaching up to kiss him once more and slotting a leg between Remus'. 

"Calm down, you randy dog," Remus laughed but even so he cupped Sirius' face in his hands and pulled him in for a searing kiss. Sirius decided then and there he had to get out of. His layers and pulled off his suit jacket. 

"Speak for yourself, you randy wolf," Sirius grinned against his lips and next thing he knew, Remus was leading Sirius into his' bedroom with a slight grin and well, who was Sirius to object? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had it in my head that the song Lily and James use as their first dance song was songbird by Fleetwood Mac
> 
> Also I've written anither story if anybody interested, it's a lil bit different because it alternates between Remus and Sirius, it's called Ever Fallen In Love (With Someone You Shouldn't've)?


	13. March, 1980

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hey, come back to bed," He said gently into the darkness before moving so he was standing next to his boyfriend. When he was close enough, he could see that Remus had been crying. "What's wrong?" 
> 
> "Nothing," Remus shrugged. 
> 
> "I don't believe you," 
> 
> "Didn't think you would," Remus laughed slightly but it sounded hollow. "I'm fine, Sirius. Honestly. Go back to bed," 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight TWs: panic attacks, mild blood and gore, mentions of trauma (its about remus being in the pack)  
> Be kind to yourselves xxxxx
> 
> The Love Will Tear Us Apart Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1YjCdqfw2B7LpKW8wvlTGk?si=Fwt5sk0tRYOFuoEPZkdJcQ

** Sunday, 1st March, 1980 **

The full moon had been awful. Sirius thought that the only word to describe it perfectly was shit show. Peter hadn't turned up for some reason which Sirius thought was odd and the wolf had lashed out at itself, pretty much ignoring Padfoot and Prongs. Now, however, Remus was lying on he floor deep in the forest of the Lake District (this was where they'd decided to have this month's transformation) covered in deep gashes and by the way Remus was cradling his wrist, Sirius was sure it was dislocated.

"Moons, you alright?" Sirius asked as soon as he made his way over to Remus where he was lying on the floor. James followed him, concern written all over his face. 

"M'fine," He said groggily. He rolled over slightly and as he did so he groaned in pain. 

"You're clearly _not_ fine," 

"That isn't helping, Prongs," 

"M'fine. S'just too cold out here. Can we go home?" Remus asked. 

"Not yet, we've got to get you healed before we can go. If we don't you'll splinch yourself," James said gently, still stood behind Sirius. 

"Come here. Give me your wrist," Sirius said and gently he took Remus wrist in his hand. Behind him, he could hear James shifting. 

"I'll call Marls, yeah? Just to make sure everything's okay," James said quietly and Sirius could hear him walk away slightly to contact Marlene (and to avoid seeing any more blood and broken bones then he had to). 

"This is going to hurt slightly," Sirius said and he watched as Remus gritted his teeth. " _Episkey_ ," Sirius said with a wave of his wand causing Remus to grunt in pain slightly. 

"I didn't hurt any of you, did I?" Remus asked once he'd recovered. 

"No, no you didn't. Lashed at yourself more than anything," 

Remus hummed before moving to stand up and as he went to put weight on his right hip, he collapsed. 

"Shit," he heard Remus swear. 

"You alright?" 

"Hip," He said through gritted teeth. "Think it's completely popped out this time," 

"I'm afraid we'll have to wait for Marls, I don't trust myself not to hurt you more," Sirius said and he placed a barely there kiss on Remus' forehead. 

That was when James and Marlene came barreling out of the bushes and immediately she made her way over to Remus, pushing Sirius back slightly. 

"Oh, Re, you poor sod," She said gently placing a hand on his shoulder before turning to look at Sirius and James. "I thought the moons were getting better," 

"So did we,"

*****

** Tuesday, 4th March, 1980 **

"Molly, he's gorgeous," Sirius cooed as he cradled the little baby in his arms. He was only a few days old and yet he had a shock of bright red hair like all the Weasleys. He was a small little thing and was incredibly pale and his tiny fingers were wrapped round Sirius' pinky. 

Molly grinned proudly from where she was sat at her kitchen table across from Sirius, looking absolutely knackered but glowing all the same. 

"He really is, Molly," Remus agreed from where he was sat beside Sirius. He was smiling brightly but there was a look in his eyes that Sirius couldn't quite place. "What's his name?" 

"Ron," Sirius smiled though secretly he thought Ron was a rather awful name. It wasn't like he could say anything though when he'd been given a name like Sirius. 

"Hiya, Ron. I'm Sirius and this here's Remus," He smiled at the little boy and moved him closer to Remus at that point. "You're possibly the cutest little baby I've ever met," He smiled at the child earning a laugh from both Remus and Molly. 

"You're free to babysit anytime, Sirius," Molly grinned, taking a sip of her tea before continuing, "You'd be a brilliant father and, dare I say, any lady'll be lucky to have you," 

Sirius blinked then before tilting his head upwards to look at Molly. He knew that most people automatically thought straight was the default and maybe it was. Most people he knew were. However, he'd always thought that it was obvious that he wasn't interested in women. 

_Maybe not_. 

Beside him, Remus was smirking and trying to suppress a laugh. Sirius shot him a glare but even so he was grinning. He glanced at Molly who was looking rather confused and he turned back to see that Remus was still smiling at him, however this time he winked. 

Sirius could feel himself heat up and he turned his attention back to Ron who was sleeping now. 

"Oh," Molly said quietly, her eyes flicking between Remus and Sirius. "I see," Sirius could hear the grimace in her voice and she had a slight look of concern on her face. 

Sirius froze, he hadn't thought Molly to be the type who would care but he'd been wrong about people before. He was snapped out of his thoughts by the feeling of something on his knee, he glanced down to find Remus' hand on his knee and when he glanced up Remus was smiling sheepishly at him. He could understand why Remus was nervous, it wasn't like they had planned to tell Molly they were dating. They hadn't even properly told James or Peter yet but Sirius thought they probably knew. 

"I had no idea," Molly smiled tightly. "It makes sense though, now that I think about it," She paused then, a wistful look taking over her face. "Gideon was _one of you lot,"_

Sirius almost laughed at that. _Gideon Prewett had been a queer too? Merlin._

Remus' grip on Sirius' knee had tightened and Sirius could feel his anger bubbling up to the surface, he was getting angrier these days, Sirius thought but he couldn't really blame him. Sirius knew why he was angry, the one of you lot comment had left a sour taste in his mouth too. 

Sirius had always thought Molly was perfect, kind and accepting to all no matter what, but maybe not. Maybe no one was one hundred percent accepting or perfect. 

*****

** Saturday, 8th March, 1980 **

Sirius rolled over, stretching an arm out to grab Remus and pull him back in for a hug except he was met with nothing but air and bed sheets. He blinked himself awake to find Remus wasn't there. The alarm clock read five thirty am, usually Remus didn't get up until nine. 

_Shit._

"Remus?" Sirius called out as he scrambled out of bed. There was no reply.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck._

Sirius scrambled around in his bedside draw for a pair of boxers so he was semi decent and then padded into the living room. 

"Remus?" 

No reply. Sirius huffed and pressed the palm of his hands against his eyes allowing the familiar unsettling feeling to make a home in the pit of his stomach. 

There was a noise. A clatter, as if something had been dropped on the floor and a loud, "fuck!" followed by a string of swears and rude phrases in both English and Welsh coming from the bathroom. Remus. 

Sirius rushed to the bathroom to find Remus sat legs apart and bent forward on the closed toilet seat pulling violently at his hair. Half of the contents of the cupboard on the wall was on the floor now and Sirius wasn't quite sure what had happened. 

"Shit, Moons," He said gently, making his way over and crouching in front of Remus making sure not to touch him. "You alright?" 

Remus didn't look up, just shook his head and whispered. "Can you - uh - I - where did we put the electric razor?" 

"You what?"

Remus huffed and pulled harder at his hair. Too hard in fact. Sirius reached up and grabbed Remus' hands so he couldn't pull it out. 

"The razor. My hair, it needs to go," 

Sirius looked then. There wasn't a lot of it to be honest, his curls had grown back rather quickly and were just falling over his forehead. 

"Okay, okay," Sirius nodded, opening the cupboard under the sink to grab the razor. Sirius wasn't one hundred percent confident in using it as it was a muggle contraption but he'd used it a few times before and had watched Remus use it plenty of times before he'd moved in with Sirius. "D'you want me to do it for you?" 

"Please," Remus nodded.

Sirius plugged it in and waled out of the bathroom to come back moments later with a kitchen chair that he placed in front of the mirror. Remus came and sat down but kept his gaze to the floor. 

Sirius turned the razor on and gently began getting rid of Remus' hair being careful not to nick any of Remus scars that were by his hairline. 

When Sirius was almost done, Remus finally spoke, his voice sounding watery. "When I was in the pack, I didn't have a choice but to grow my hair long. It's some werewolf thing, apparently, they do it to help differentiate themselves from wizarding society or what not. I hated it. Not only was it uncomfortable but it wasn't me. I didn't look like me with it. And it smelt and half the time there was no access to clean water so it was greasy and awful and Grey - He used to grab me by my hair and use magic on me when I stepped out of line," Remus had said that all in one breath and Sirius supposed that if he had stopped he wouldn't be able to carry on. 

"I shaved my hair off as soon as I got to the safe house. Madeye helped me do it," Remus sighed then, as Sirius clicked the Razor off. "I know it's stupid but I - it was the quickest way of separating myself from them," 

Sirius placed the razor down on the sink and went and crouched in front of Remus, grabbing his hands as he did so. 

"It's not. Why d'you think I grow my hair out long?" Sirius smiled and Remus just shrugged. "For the same reason you want to keep yours short. I have it long to seperate myself from my family. They hated it and for me it was my first proper fuck you to them and there's no shame in it," 

Remus smiled and looked up. "You look good with long hair. You look like an Adonis," 

Sirius laughed but even so he could feel heat creeping up his neck and he was sure he'd turned a bright red. "You flatter me," He grinned, pressing a light kiss to Remus' lips. "Now, have I ever told you how sexy you look with the buzz cut?" 

*****

** Monday, 10th March, 1980 **

"Remus!" Hope exclaimed as she flung open the door before engulfing her son in what Sirius thought looked like a bone crushing hug. "Penblwydd hapus, cariad," 

"Ta, Mam," Remus smiled pulling away and then walking inside the cottage. 

"Hiya, Sirius," Hope smiled engulfing him in a hug too. 

"Hi, Hope," He smiled back, pulling away and following Remus inside to find him sat on the sofa in the living room. Sirius sat beside him. 

"Where are the others?" She asked as she sat down opposite in an arm chair. 

"Lily had a doctor's appointment today and James is with her. We'll be seeing them later," Remus explained 

"Send them my love will you?" 

Remus nodded before looking up at Sirius and smiling gently as if to say it'll be okay. Sirius wondered whether it was really that obvious that he was nervous. This was the first time since him and Remus had gotten together where it had just been the two of them with Hope. 

"Mam," Remus started. "We've got something to tell you," 

"Okay?" Hope asked the smile fading from her face. Sirius understood when anyone said they had news he almost always assumed it was bad. 

"Uh, me and Sirius are -" And words had apparently failed Remus because he opted for clasping Sirius' hand tightly and lifting it up in answer. 

"Oh!" Hope exclaimed, grinning brightly. "I'm so happy for you two," She smiled standing up and placing a kiss on each of their cheeks. "I told you to tell him didn't I? I told you he felt the same way,"

"Yes, yes, you were right, I was wrong," He smiled, laughing and Sirius knew that Remus was relieved. To be honest, Sirius was too. 

"Sirius, cariad, welcome to the family," Hope smiled, hugging Sirius tightly. 

" _Mam_!" Remus exclaimed turning a bright red and Sirius just laughed at him. 

"Glad to be apart of it," 

*****

** Thursday, 20th March, 1980 **

It was two in the morning and Remus wasn't in bed. Sirius figured that he'd probably just gone to the loo and so he got up to get himself a glass of water. However, when he stepped into the living room, there was Remus stood by the window which was slung open and smoking a cigarette. 

It was cold in the flat but Remus didn't seem to care all he was wearing was a pair of plaid pajama bottoms. 

"Hey, come back to bed," He said gently into the darkness before moving so he was standing next to his boyfriend. When he was close enough, he could see that Remus had been crying. "What's wrong?" 

"Nothing," Remus shrugged. 

"I don't believe you," 

"Didn't think you would," Remus laughed slightly but it sounded hollow. "I'm fine, Sirius. Honestly. Go back to bed," 

"I'm not leaving you here on your own," 

"Sirius," Remus said in what Sirius and James had secretly dubbed as his teacher voice. 

"Don't 'Sirius' me," He retorted before softening. "You don't have to come back to bed, you don't even have to talk about what's bothering you, just let me stay out here, yeah?" 

"Fine," 

"Thank you," Sirius said, moving so he was on his tiptoes to plant a kiss on Remus' cheek. Remus moved an arm around Sirius' hip and they stood there staring out the window. 

When Remus finally moved back into the kitchen to throw his cigarette away, Sirius glanced down at the floor to find a wad of paper that looked like it had been crumpled up and thrown. He knelt down and opened it to find it was the calendar that was usually hung up on the kitchen. He flattened it out and looked, each day that had passed had been crossed out in black ink and then it dawned on Sirius. 

Today was when Remus had left for the mission. 

*****

** Tuesday, 25th March, 1980 **

Remus wasn't here. 

Sirius had woken up yet again to find Remus' side of the bed empty. Leaning against the kitchen counter now, Sirius squeezed his eyes shut tight and tried to breath in an out best he could. He tried to remember that thing Remus had taught him last time he had a panic attack in front of him.

_What do you see, Pads? Name five of them._

It was easier said than done though and it was a whole lot easier when Remus was here with calming voice of his, gently guiding Sirius out of it. However, this time, it felt like Sirius would just keep falling into this pit of panic for eternity. 

"Pads?" A voice said and suddenly someone was next to him, kneeling. Sirius wasn't sure when he'd moved to sit on the floor but there he was, curled up in the corner of the kitchen breathing shallowly with tears running down his face. 

"Pads. Sirius, listen to me. In and out yeah? Breathe, in and out. Hey, look, copy me, yeah?" 

Once Sirius had calmed down enough, his brain let him register who was knelt before him.

_Remus._

_Thank, Merlin._

Sirius lunged forward, wrapping his arms tightly around Remus and burying his head in his neck. Luckily, Remus had quite a bit of hidden strength and managed to stop them from falling backwards. "It's okay, Pads," He whispered, stroking Sirius' back and then softly kissing his hair. 

"M'sorry," 

"You've got nothing to apologise for," 

*****

They were still sat on the kitchen floor and though Sirius felt a lot better, he had the beginnings of a headache and the panicky feeling wasn't quite gone. 

"I'm sorry for earlier," Sirius shrugged and it was true. He felt rather embarrassed by it, he thought it was ridiculous that he'd had a panic attack over Remus being missing when all he'd done was pop to Tesco's. 

"Don't be,"Remus smiled, placing a hand on Sirius' knee. "I know you might not want to talk about it but -" 

"I just -" Sirius huffed. He didn't want to tell Remus because it was ridiculous what he was panicking over and not only that made him seem like a controlling boyfriend. "When I tell you what I was panicking over, please don't hate me," 

"Why would I?" 

Sirius just shrugged. "When I woke up this morning you weren't there and I thought, oh maybe he's in the bathroom having a shower or in the kitchen making tea or something and then I went to look and you weren't there and -" Sirius stopped and pressed the palm of his hand to his eyes. 

"I don't know why but I just immediately jump to the worse conclusion whenever I don't know where anybody is. You went out this morning and I freaked because I thought you left again,"

"This isn't a one off though is it?" Remus asked gently to which Sirius shook his head. 

"When you were with the pack," He saw Remus grimace at that. "Mary came over once and she was late slightly, by half an hour or so and though I knew it was to do with her Mum or Connie, I couldn't help but think that she'd been kidnapped or hurt and -" 

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't of left, if I hadn't this wouldn't have happened," 

"You didn't have a choice. If you didn't go then Dumbledore would've outed you as a werewolf. I understand why you went," Sirius smiled grabbing Remus' hand. Remus smiled back and stood up, pressing a kiss to Sirius' forehead. 

"Shall we go back to bed? I'm not in the mood to do much more than lie down and listen to some music," He said. 

"I like the sound of that," 

"Thought you would,"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking forever to post but it's finally here. Huzzah!


	14. April, 1980

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They stood like that for awhile and though Sirius knew this was a happy moment, it had been tainted by the idea of war. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: mild blood and gore, nightmares  
> Be kind to yourselves xx

** Tuesday, 1st April, 1980 **

"Mornin', Prongs," Remus grinned as he opened the door to let James into the flat. 

"Alright, Moony?" James grinned and Sirius couldn't help but watch the interaction with glee. They were slowly getting back to normal. "You're looking rather chipper this morning," 

"I have my handsome boyfriend to blame for that," Remus said his grin growing bigger. Sirius just gaped at him from where he was sat in the living room. For one, he wasn't entirely sure what he'd done to earn himself a comment like that (except fr the fact he had been snogging Remus senseless for the last fifteen minutes) and for another thing, they'd never explicitly told James they were dating and here was Remus acting as if James had knowm forever. Then again, Sirius supposed he probably had always known. 

"Glad to hear it, Moons," He said, not even taking a moment to register the information as he hung up his coat like nothing had happened. 'I'm happy for you two, y'know. Glad you finally saw sense and grew a pair to ask each other out,"

Remus snorted at that and Sirius couldn't help but smile at how carefree Remus looked as he stood up from the sofa.

"Sorry, we didn't tell you earlier, we just -" 

"Don't worry about it, Pads," James smiled, waving his flippantly. "You didn't have to tell me, I could tell. I knew something happened the day I asked you to be my best man. Mostly because I saw you two holding hands on the porch," He smiled warmly then before making his way over to Sirius to hug him tightly as if to say it's really alright. They didn't hug like this often but when they did Sirius was reminded on how much he could rely on James. 

"Besides," James began with a shit-eating grin as he pulled away. "You two aren't nearly as subtle as you think you are," Sirius watched as Remus gave him a playful smack all the while turning a very bright red. 

"Well, subtlety has never really been Padfoot's forte," Remus sniped, sending a devilish smirk at Sirius who just flipped him off but even so he was grinning. 

"No, I suppose it hasn't," James shrugged with a smile, bumoong his shoulder against Sirius' before sitting doen in the armchair by the fireplace, looking at home. Sirius followed hus lead and sat opposite him on the sofa, placing a leg over his knee. Remus immediately came and sat beside him, snuggling up to his side. It felt good to be this open about their affection towards one another in front of James. 

"The reason I came here today is because I have something to discuss with you, Pads," James said, his smile completely gone now and replaced by a much more intense one. Sirius didn't like the implications of that sentence one bit and Remus had obviously sensed that as his hand was now on his knee grounding him. 

"I hope you know that when the baby turns up you'll be their uncle, Pads. There's no doubt in my mind about it. You're my brother, it just makes sense," James smiled and turned his head towards Remus then.

"And Moony, we want to raise the baby thinking of you as their uncle too because, well, you're Sirius' partner and -" He cut himself off and shrugged then.

"I don't want to hide your relationship from my child because what's the point? I want them to know that they'll be accepted no matter who they are and, well, -" James nodded and stared down at his lap, a sad smile on his face. 

"Thank you," Remus whispered, his voice sounding watery. Sirius grabbed the hand on his knee and bought it up to his mouth to give his knuckles a quick kiss. 

"Saying that though, me and Lils have had to think about what might happen to our child if something happens to us -" 

" _James_ ," Sirius cut in. He wouldn't have this chat. Not now. Not ever. Nothing would ever happen to James and Lily ever, especially not on his watch and he doubted Remus woukd let anything happen either. 

"No, Sirius. We have to, _you know_ we have to think about the worse case scenario. We're in the middle of a bloody war, Pads, I have to prepare for the worst. I have a child on the way, I have to, alright?" James asked, tears had began to stream down his face and Sirius watched as Remus got up and hugged James tightly meanwhile Sirius couldn't do anything but sit and watch his brother break, feeling completely numb. 

"Thank you," James nodded curtly as Remus pulled away and sat back down beside Sirius. "We've had to think about where we want our child to go if anything does happen to us and, well, I want them here with you two. I can't think of anyone else better. I know you both want kids of you're own someday and it may never happen so I want to at least be able to give you a shot. And, well, if we do go who better else to keep our memories alive than our best friends, our family?"

" _Oh, James,_ " Remus sighed but James just ignored him. 

"We want you to be the godfather, Pads," 

"Really?" Sirius' head shot up and he looked at James in disbelief. He couldn't believe it, to be honest if you'd told sixteen year old him that James would be having a baby four year from then he wouldn't have believed it, let alone the fact that he'd be ask to be the a possible caregiver. 

"Yes, really," James smiled. "If you're the godfather, the sprog'll come to you if something bad happens to us. Is that alright?" 

"I'll do it, of course I will," Sirius smiled weakly at James. 

"Cheers, mate. I think me and Lils can rest easy tonight knowing that we got a plan in place. Knowing that our child'll ve safe and spoilt by two wonderful sods who'll cherish them if something happens," 

"Oh, come here you great sap," Sirius said standing up and engulfing James in a hug. He already knew that he was getting James' shirt wet aith his tears but he couldn't find it in him to care. Sirius stuck his arm out behind and blindly grabbled for Remus. Eventually, he caught his sleeve in his hand and pulled him in for the hug. 

They stood like that for awhile and though Sirius knew this was a happy moment, it had been tainted by the idea of war. 

*****

** Friday, 4th April, 1980 **

It hadn't gone unnoticed to Sirius that Remus had been acting strangely ever since James had asked him to be a godfather. He was closed off, cold, constantly thinking about something but Sirius didn't know what and now, Remus was stood in a corner of that months he talking to Madeye in hushed tones looking extremely concerned. 

He knew it was awful of him but he'd taken a few steps closer to them just to hear something, anything. Merlin knows, Remus wouldn't ever tell him. 

He struggled to hear anything over the mumble of chatter filling the room and it didn't help they were being extremely quiet but he could make out snippets of this conversation from where he was. 

"Alastor, _please_..." He heard Remus say as he raked a hand over his buzzcut and worried his lip between his teeth. 

"I can't... no... I get where you're coming from, Lupin but..." 

"You don't bloody get it... if we lose them, I lose him... _please_ , Moody..." Remus was on the verge of biting Madeye's head off, Sirius knew it. 

"How many times, Lupin? No," The older man snapped. 

"Fuck's sake... everyone's got to make sacrifices... I will do anything... stay alive, they have to stay alive... Alastor, _please_ , they're family... _please_ ," 

Sirius couldn't listen to anymore without wanting to run over and demand to know what they were talking about. He wanted to scream and shout because for the past few days, he had felt so lut of the loop with Remus. It was one step forward, eight steps back now. It was then that Sirius realised something, him and Remus were slowly drifting away no matter how hard Sirius tried to reach him. 

*****

** Monday, 28th April, 1980 **

_He was falling down, down, down, further and further into a dark abyss until he hit the bottom with a dull thud. He was stood in the dark until a blast of light split through and there was Remus. Except it wasn't him at all, he was all off: he was pale and sickly looking with amber eyes and blood everywhere. His own blood. Sirius was sure it was his blood. When Sirius realised this, Remus had keeled over revealing a tear in the darkness which Sirius stepped through. He was in a house now. A familiar house but it was all off too. Everything was the wrong colour and the wrong size. There was a faint smell of burnt bread. As he walked into the kitchen he saw there was a baby, crying its little heart out and he could only assume it was James and Lily's baby but they were nowhere to be seen. He picked the child up and then... The child wasn't there anymore. It was just blood. Lots of blood on his hands. Guilt. Guilt was all Sirius could feel and then he was falling again, faster and faster this time. The guilt was so unbearable that he couldn't wait to hit the botton and..._

*****

Sirius woke up with a start. His breathing was shallow and he felt as if he couldn't get a grasp on reality. "Moony? Moony?" He called out breathlessly bht there was no reply. "Moony?" 

Shakily, Sirius stood up and made his way into the kitchen. Still no Remus. There was an empty mug on the counter and his coat was gone and Sirius could just make out a note posted on the fridge. 

_Emergency._

_Madeye needed backup._

_Stay here._

_Love you,_

_R x_

*****

James and Lily had popped round after Sirius had frantically rang them up explaining in detail his recurring nightmare to Lily because he had to tell someone, anyone and she was just there. She'd been understanding, absolutely frightened and he couldn't blame her. Sirius was scared of what was going on in his head too. 

It had been a good four hours since Sirius had found the note and they still hadn't heard any news from anybody. 

"I've tried ringing Mary on the telly-thing-a-ma-jig but nobody's picking up," James said entering the living room. Sirius thought it was a bit redundant, James telling them this as they could hear and see the whole thing unfold from where they were sta in the living room. "I'll give it another a go in a bit," 

After that, they had ended up sitting in silence. Sirius was to angry to talk, too afraid he'd snap and say something unnecessary and cruel to either Lily and James. He could also tell that Lily was too afraid to talk, too scared to ask if Sirius was okay incase he snapped or didn't like the answer she recieved. James, well, James just didn't know what to say, Sirius thought. 

Luckily, none of them had to say anything though as Remus and Mary materialised into the flat both in various states if disarray and distress. 

Remus was bloody and bruised, his eyes amber and he looked tired. Mary was just the same if not worse, she looked skinnier since Sirius had last seen her, like she hadn't eaten in months and she two was bruised badly and by the way she winced everytime she breathed it looked like she had a few broken ribs. 

_Jesus fucking Christ_.

Sirius couldn't cope with this. 

*****

Lily and James had escorted Mary to St. Mungos while Sirius stayed with Remus in the flat. His injuries were smaller and Sirius could fix them easily with a flick of his wand. 

He'd been hostile towards Remus since he'd arrived. He wasn't sure how he felt about the whole thing. He'd woken up that morning, distressed and anxious wanting the person he loved most to hold hin tight and close and tell him it was all okay just to find that he was gone. 

_At least he left a note this tine._

_That's beside the point,_ his brain supplied again. 

And it was. Remus knew how bad it got when Sirius didn't know where someone was. He had some form of separation anxiety and Remus knew how much it affected him, how much it took out of him and he still went and did this. 

_Fucking arsehole._

"Pads, don't be angry," Remus huffed as he slowly and painfully got up from the bed. Sirius heard all of his joints click as he did so. 

"Lie back down. You shouldn't be getting up," He snapped from where he was stood as far away as possible from Remus. 

Remus nodded and gently sat back down on the bed before patting the empty slace next to him. The space where Sirius slept most evenings. He supposed he'd sleep on the sofa tonight. "Hey, come and sit down, you look shattered," Sirius rolled his eyes in response, he couldn't believe that Remus was trying to act like nothing had happened, like his actions had never affected Sirius in any way.

"And why is that, Remus?" Sirius huffed, he didn't like how oblivious Remus was being right now. "Why on earth do I look like I haven't slept in weeks, huh?" before Remus could say anything though, Sirius trundled on getting by the second. 

"You left without a word again, Remus. Again. Even after you saw how much it affected me the first tine you left. Why did you do it? Have you got some hero complex I don't know about? Do you really think you can save the world just you and maybe Mary if you ever need her?" Sirius snapped and he chanced a glance at Remus who looked so small and timid. That wasn't his attention but he needed Remus to know the consequences of his actions. 

"You have other people to think about now, Remus. I could understand you doing all this shit if you had absolutely no one in your life but you do. Lily and James are having a child and they need you there for support when it's born and for a long tine to come and that's when you - "

There was some mumbling from Remus but Sirius chose to ignore it and plowed on. "They need you for support especially now and for a long time to come. I don't want to have to look after this child alone if something happens to them and I don't want to have to tell them about their Uncle Moony, I want them to actually meet you -" 

"That's why I did it!" Remus roared out if nowhere and Sirius realised his eyes were stil speckled with amber. The wolf was taking the wheel. That never happened when the full moon wasn't occurring. "When James said him and Lils were preparing for the worst, I freaked. They deserve as long as they can get with their child and so I decided that I'd do anything to make sure they get that time -" 

It dawned on Sirius then. 

"You asked to take on more missions, didn't you?" 

"The more dangerous ones, yes," Rmeus said curtly.

"You could've told me, you -" Sirius began before Remus cut him off. 

"No, no I couldn't because you would have wanted in and you deserve just as much time with your neohew as possible," 

"And what, that means I get to spend even less time with you?" Sirius huffed, laughing hollowly. Remus mumbled inaduibly. "What was that?" 

"You'll leave me at some point. You'll realise that I'm not worth it, Pads. I want to grant you time with your nephew to make up for the time you're wasting with me," Remus said meekly. Sirius hoped that the other man realised how stupid it sounded as soon as it came out his mouth. 

"You're a fucking idiot," Sirius laughes hollowly. "Do you really believe that? If I didn't care, Remus, if I was going to up and leave, I wouldn't fuckibg be here having this argument with you. I wouldn't be freaking out every time you go and do something utterly fucking stupid. I wouldn't stay with you after every full moon, would I? I love you, you fucking are but you're too wrapped up on self pity and your own insecurities to see that," It felt good whilst Sirius had been saying it but now he realised that the last sentences were probably a low blow. 

Remus just nodded before curling up on his side as if to say he was ignoring Sirius. 

Sirius sighed and gently made his way over to the bed and picked up a pillow and one of the many blankets Remus had thrown over the bed. He supposed he'd sleep on the sofa tonight just to make sure he didn't say anything else awful and to let both of the cool down. That wouldn't work though and Sirius knew it, he was still so mad at Remus. 

He walked into the living room and placed the lillow and blanket down before stripping down to his boxers. He'd forgotten to get pyjamas and Sirius supposed he would do without, he wasn't going back in there. 

*****

He dreamt of falling, of Remus keeled over and bleeding, of burnt bread, of babies and of blood on his hands again that night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long break between chaoters I kind of lost motivation and I haven't been able to see very well for the past week or so whilst I was waiting for my new glasses. However, I finally got motivation and wrote this chapter in four hours. So you know...  
> Thanks for sticking with me


	15. May, 1980

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When they were growing up, when they were still at Hogwarts, it was Sirius who did everything without consulting others first, he was the one who jumped head first into everything and Remus had been the one to think things through properly and talk it all out but it was as if the tables had turned as if they'd switched personalities and Sirius wasn't sure he liked it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: mild blood and gore, nightmares, minor character death
> 
> Be kind to yourselves xx

** Tuesday, 6th May, 1980 **

They hadn't spoken in well over a week and Sirius was slowly going insane over it. He wanted nothing more than to reach out and talk to Remus but the other man just shut down everytime he tried and Sirius would be lying if he said that he'd completely forgiven Remus for what he did. 

He understood why he did it, of course he did. He'd had the same sort of idea himself but he wasn't going to do it without Remus knowing. That was the difference between them. When they were growing up, when they were still at Hogwarts, it was Sirius who did everything without consulting others first, he was the one who jumped head first into everything and Remus had been the one to think things through properly and talk it all out but it was as if the tables had turned as if they'd switched personalities and Sirius wasn't sure he liked it.

Now however, Sirius was sat on the sofa drinking tea and listening to the Eric Clapton record Remus had put on as he was doing the dishes. They still weren't talking and it was very rare to find them in the same room together at the same time and as _cocaine_ came to a close, Remus, to Sirius' suprise came and sat next to him on the sofa.

"Hey," Remus said gently, a small smile on his face. It was the first word that had been said between them in over a week.

"Hey," Sirius smiled back as he put his cup down. They stayed like that just staring and smiling at each other as the opening notes of _Wonderful Tonight_ came on.

Silently, Remus stood up and Sirius hoped, prayed even that he wouldn't leave the room, that this wouldn't be the end of their conversation, that this wouldn't be the last conversation they ever had. However, Sirius didn't have to panic as Renus extended his hand and said, "Come on, let's have a dance,"

Sirius didn't have to be told twice. 

"I'm sorry," Remus shrugged, putting his hands on Sirius' waist. "I just - I thought I could fix everything on my own," He shrugged again. "I care too much about you lot to let any of you get hurt and I just I thought I could protect you all but it's just ended up pushing you further away,"

Sirius huffed. He understood where Remus was coning from, he really did, he just wished that Remus had said something sooner rather than bottling it up like he always did.

"Pads?"

"Sorry, love. Was just thinking," Siriys smiled, moving his arms so they were looped round Remus' neck. "I wished you told me, y'know. About everything, that is. About you deciding to jump headfirst into missions and, well, about what you said that night," He paused then not sure whether to actually go on or not in fear of starting another argument.

"What did I say?"

"Oh, I can't remember exactly," Sirius shrugged but it was a lie. The words were practically ingrained in his mind. _You'll leave me at some point. You'll realise that I'm not worth it, Pads. I want to grant you time with your nephew to make up for the time you're wasting with me._ "Something about how I'd leave you eventually, about how you didn't deserve me which, let me tell you, is utter bullshit,"

Remus laughed then and placed his head into the crook of Sirius' neck.

Merlin, he had missed this.

"I want you to know that I won't leave, Remus. It's always been you. Ever since I first met you, I knew that you were different, that you'd be someone I'd want around forever and always and -" Sirius stopped then, a lump forming in his throat. "I hate that you don't see that. I hate that you can't comprehend how much you mean to me," He gently lifted Remus' head and kissed him lightly.

"You're my everything, Moons, always have been and always will be. And I'm not wasting time being with you, don't ever think that," Sirius said, Remus was staring at him with tears in his eyes but there was a smile on his face.

Remus leant in so he was hugging Sirius tightly and they stayed like that, swaying in the living room and then when the song was about to end he heard Remus whisper, " _My darling, you were wonderful tonight. Oh my darling, you were wonderful tonight,_ "

*****

** Wednesday, 14th May, 1980 **

_He was falling again, down, down, down like he did every night. He kept falling further and further into a dark abyss until he hit the bottom with a thud. There was no blinding white light this time, no Remus to break the darkness. There was, however, a green light emitting from somewhere and as Sirius walked closer to it._

_Regulus._

_Regulus was stood in the centre of this green light looking hollow and gaunt. He kept shouting for Sirius, begging for help and then the green light pulsed, it was so bright that Sirius had to shield his eyes and when the light had faded. He looked to see his brother slumped on the floor, covered in blood._

_There was a shadowy figure stood opposite him, their face and features shrouded by a cloak, covered in Regulus' blood and had a wand in their hand. Sirius knew immediately they'd been the reason behind his brother's death. Slowly, they pulled their hood back to reveal their face. Sirius was expecting a stranger, maybe even his mother or father, maybe even Voldemort but it was someone he hadn't expected to see._

_Himself._

_"You did this. You killed him,"_

__*****

Sirius woke up drenched in sweat and struggling to catch his breath. His hand was gripping Remus' t-shirt so tightly that he thought he might rip it. Water. He needed water. Sirius tried to move in a way that wouldn't disturb Remus but it was no use, Remus was wide awake. 

"You alright, babe?" Remus whispered into the dark, Sirius could feel him shuffling around. Light spilled out into the room and Sirius realised Remus must have moved to turn the lamp on. 

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," Sirius shrugged, moving away from Remus so he was sat on the very edge of the bed. He wasn't sure who he was trying to convince, him or Remus. 

"Are you sure?" 

Sirius sighed then before shaking his head ever so slightly. He couldn't moan at Remus for shutting him out and not talking to him and then do it himself. It wasn't fair. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Remus asked, placing a hand gently on the small of Sirius' back. 

"Not really. S'only a nightmare," Sirius shrugged. He could see Remus frown out of the corner of his eye.

"I thought they'd stopped," 

"They had. Just before you left for that mission," He caught Rsmus grimace at the mention of it. They hadn't spoken about what had actually happened, why Mary and Remus had turned up at the flat battered and bruised. "they started up again. Didn't feature my parents though, I don't think. Then tonight it was entirely different again. Started off the same, I think, but Regulus was there and he's never been in my nightmares," 

"Maybe it's because of the time of year," Sirius shrugged. Maybe it was, maybe the fact that Regulus had been on his mind the past few days leading up to his anniversary was the reason behind his appearance in his nightmares. "I dunno, it's stupid anyway," 

"It's not stupid. You're having nightmares, love. It's serious and well, you recently lost your -" 

Sirius cut him off. "He's been gone a year," He was shocked by how cold and distant his voice sounded. Remus, however, was unfazed by it. 

"A year's not very long, Pads," Remus said gently, movung so he was sat flush next to Sirius and he wrapped his arms around him, pulling him into his chest. Sirius supposed he was right, a year wasn't a long time in terms of loss. There was no way he coyld get over Regulus' death within a year and he doubted he'd ever really be over it. Sirius let out a choked sob.

"I've got you, cariad, I've got you," Remus whispered, pressing a light kiss to his forehead. 

*****

** Sunday, 25th May, 1980 **

"I'm glad you and Remus are alright now," James said bumping his shoulder against Sirius'.

Effie had invited them all for dinner saying that it was a much needed break for them all and Sirius couldn't have agreed more. He needed to be surrounded by the people closest to him, the people he loved right now and he thought that Remus did too. The only thing though, was that Peter hadn't turned up to dinner even though he'd been invited. He never seemed to be around these days. He didn't even turn up for the full moon sometimes which usually ended up in a screaming match between Sirius and the smaller man when they next saw each other. That wouldn't have happened back in January, Peter would've apologised or better yet have been there for his friend but now, he was screaming back at Sirius in a way he had never seen him do before. 

"I'm glad we are too. I hate arguing with him," Sirius shrugged. 

"I'm the same with, Lils," James smiled back and Sirius followed his line of gaze to see Remus and Lily sat in a corner of the living room talking about the baby names James and her liked best. (James had suggested calling it Elton if it was a boy after Elton John but Lily had shut that down quickly. Thank, Merlin.) 

"I need to ask you something," Sirius began and as soon as the words left his mouth, he had begun to regret saying anything. He thought it would probably sound absolutely ridiculous to James but he thought it had to be done. James turned and raised an eyebrow at him." I - Merlin, this is difficult - I think you've gathered by now that I'd very much like to marry Remus if I could," 

Sirius glanced at James to see him grinning like a madman. He thought James would say something about it being too soon. "What?" James asked and Sirius realised he'd been staring at his brother for a while. 

"I dunno. I thought that you might -" 

James gaped at him. "You didn't! Did you seriously think I would disagree with that statement? You and him have been making heart eyes at each other ever since first year," James laughed then before carrying on. "I'm not surprised you'd want to marry him after only dating for a few months," 

"Okay, good," Sirius said with a smiled feeling rather relieved. "Well, if I could, you know that I would propose to him and I've come up with a solution," He paused then. "I want to buy him a promise ring or -" He paused then. "Do you reckon Dad might have a spare ring or something that I could give him?" 

"Possibly that's something to talk to Dad about I s'pose but -" Sirius huffed. Why was there always a but? "But is now the right time? You had right proper go at him just the other week. You were both in a really bad place," Sirius supposed that was a fair concern. 

"I wasn't going to do it now anyway. I was going to wait until I was sure everything was okay. I don't want to overwhelm him with the fact that I think I want to stay with him forever. I mean, I have said it but I don't think he believes me just yet," Sirius shrugged. 

"I think its best you wait a little bit but other than that, I think it's a sweet gesture," James smirked at him then. "Always knew you were a sap," 

"You're not much better, you wanker," Sirius smiled brightly feeling the happiest he had ever felt in a long time, surrounded by people he loved. 

__

__

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh, I didn't know I had it in me to get a chapter out rather quickly after I just posted a chapter. Rather proud of myself tbh.
> 
> I stupidly deleted the playlist for this fic by accident so I'll make another one and then put the link in when it's done.
> 
> X
> 
> Fic playlist -  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4mYuvcvu49zR1GWI7mBQaV?si=f0EFH7eSSdOv_wmo69c_Ig


End file.
